I've had a lot of support on here from the wise MNers about my EA and controlling dh. He's gaslighting and manipulative and sees no wrong in what he does. We have two DC aged 5 and 18 months. He has up to now been very much a dip in and dip out Dad. Usually he can be found on one of his many devices not really partaking in family life but when he does it is for a few minutes and then back to (some) work, hobby websites, eBay etc. He is either tired or unwell and therefore on sofa or out doing his hobby. I am a SAHM (out of choice and it is what we discussed when we met as I felt I would rather not have children at all if I couldn't be with them growing up). When I have pulled him up on his lack of interest he has blamed me, telling me I am so painful to be around, so negative, excluding etc etc that he just stays away. Of course I know this is bollocks but for many years I was driven to despair and desperation feeling that everything was all my fault. I tried to take my life twice, have driven my car into a lamppost on purpose etc all because I have felt so unbelievably wretched. All that is behind me and I'm strong and gaining in confidence. He has stopped groping me and invading my personal space - thanks to the lovely mumsnet people I have a better view of body autonomy.
Three weeks ago we had a bust up. He basically told me I was abusive, negative, rude, aggressive, disrespectful, lazy and only interested in money. I clothe me and the children second off ebay or charity shops or hand me downs, I get my hair cut twice a year if that, I shop frugally. I am in no way profligate with money. He is a high earner and is currently spending like water. I posted a while ago about finding bank.statements and being shocked at his spending (rough estimate in excess of £30k in 6 months ... one transaction of £3.5k on hobby equipment plus lots of other amounts on his hobby and a £21k family car he has "bought me" but not put in my name). I had no idea that this money was sitting around especially when on the one hand it's family money he says and on the other when I asked about some extra work on the garden and a chap who came to the door quoted 180 he said "can YOU afford it?" I couldn't, so I had to send the man away and I felt so humiliated. He did it again when we had an unfortunate fine of £80 even though i appealed and did my best to sort it, he was quite unkind and said we shouldn't be just spending money for no reason. Needless to say that's another nail in the coffin.
I'm preparing to end the marriage but since the big Blue where I said we were separated he has gone to extra lengths to be a great Dad and husband. Of course, the children are lapping it up...they've not had it before and they want him a lot now. He has a 17 year old DD from his first marriage and he significantly reduced contact time basically to keep me interested after I ended it several years ago because his situation with ex W and DD was so toxic and traumatic for everyone. I can't really forgive myself for my naivety and for allowing that to happen. In my defence he was unbelievably convincing and persuasive despite my reservations and discomfort. I basically got myself so far embroiled and now I am completely and utterly financially dependent on him. He had me in an awful state....punishment and forgiveness cycles, all of which I now recognise, again thanks to advice and wisdom from here.
My huge worry is that now he's making all this effort he will try to completely break me when it all ends, especially when it comes to custody and money. I think he knows it is in the offing as he seems to be getting a lot in shirty little emails, laying a lot at my door but sugar coating it all to keep me sweet.
I am.still bf baby and the children have never had a night away from me. He goes away for work sometimes up to three weeks at a time.
Help! How do I play it? How do I beat him at his own game? Have copied some statements so that if he comes out with any shit about money I can just slap them down in front of him and tell him to fuck off but a friend tells me I must be less emotional about it. I haven't responded to the emails as I know he's only trying to document his efforts and his great Dadness but he's five years too fucking late!