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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact an ex-bf from ancient history to help my daughter?

86 replies

cheekyfecker15 · 13/03/2018 16:43

My first bf was, I thought, the love of my life but we split up over 30 years ago and I met my dh not long after and have been married for 27 years soon. Ex-BF was a photographer and now has a studio. DD is 17 and hates school. She is desperate to be a photographer. Is it unreasonable to ask ex-bf whether he has any positions for an apprentice? He is in another city, but I could sort out accommodation for dd and I really have no desire to see him at all. Would just say I knew him a long time ago and know he benefited from working with a photog as an apprentice. What do you reckon? Is it potentially too messy? A bit cringey? Or just a bizarre form of networking! (Have name-changed to protect the identify of all involved!).

OP posts:
TheJoyOfSox · 13/03/2018 17:31

It does seem weird to even consider contacting an ex from 30 years ago for a favour. So I wouldn’t, no matter how good your break up was, it’s just wrong to contact him to ask for something in return.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 13/03/2018 17:34

Such a shame, though. I will look for similar studios, see if we can find anything and approach them cold

Let your DD do it, not you.

I'm in a different field (academic) and I do interviews for admissions to my programme. Mummy ringing up on behalf of junior never goes down well.

titchy · 13/03/2018 17:34

Gosh boundaries OP.

He's no more than a random stranger given that you haven't seen him for 30 years.

Why doesn't she do a photography degree like most other kids and get some actual experience and a portfolio.

beingsunny · 13/03/2018 17:36

I think she needs to think about studying photography first, there are some very technical skills required, it's not just about having a good eye.

TatianaLarina · 13/03/2018 17:38

^^ exactly.

She can do a photography degree and build up her own portfolio.

What would be less odd would be if, once started on her degree, she wrote to various photographers local to home to see if she can pick up work experience in the holidays, and she mentions in the letter to him that you once knew him.

Then it’s more formal and less personal.

Avasarala · 13/03/2018 17:39

Has she looked into studying photography? You say she will just have to ride out school and then be buggered... that she'll need to just use social media and take her camera whenever she goes out.

But now where do you mention actually studying photography. They often teach business skills along with courses. Don't you think you should be encouraging her to do that? Your whole attitude here just seems bizarre.

OldHag1 · 13/03/2018 17:45

Why doesn’t your daughter contact him as she would any other photography studio? Send a copy of her portfolio or whatever.

Failing that bump into him!

ladypippa · 13/03/2018 17:48

OP, you must know a photographer, or someone who does.

I don't know one single photographer personally. Or someone who does know one.

And even if I did, I would not be so cheeky and rude as to bother them.

DH does I.T. and we have lost count of the amount of Cheeky Fuckers who have asked for - and expected - free I.T. support and repairs to their laptops and computers. We got to the point where we had to have a blanket ban on doing it for ANYone.

He was spending 10 hours a week (some weeks) sorting peoples I.T. issues. Occasionally, we would go to someone's house for a drink or meal, and the first thing they would do, was ask him if he could look at the computer. Cue him spending 2 hours in their fucking spare room , tinkering with their computer, whilst everyone else was noshing food and slugging back wine! Hmm

Lashalicious · 13/03/2018 17:49

Don’t do it.

There are professional photographers all over now. Your ex is not the only one. My whole career was in that area, mostly videography, when studio and field cameras were huge, heavy, and hellishly expensive, not to mention a decent tripod with a nice fluid head and the lenses. There is no shortage of photog studios ever since affordable high end cams and local editing/photogr/online programs saturated the consumer market. It is hard to believe that your ex is your dd’s only hope for her career. No way. And these days a mentor or apprenticeship is not even required with all the resources available, most for free online regarding techniques, latest equip, business end, etc. And she can build clients the old fashioned way, she’d have to do that anyway.

Has your marriage gone stale? Be honest with yourself.

stellarfox · 13/03/2018 17:49

I don't think you should contact him after such a long time as you haven't stayed in contact. If you had kept in contact I'd have said why not. Your daughter should be researching all the photography studios herself or if you have to do it for her why don't you come up with a list of all the studios nearest you and if his studio is on the list then she could contact him formally, but just treat it as if she would for anyone else and without any involvement from you.

MatildaTheCat · 13/03/2018 17:52

The reality now is that many young people need help to get into the career of their choice. That frequently involves parents asking for favours.

I have done so on a good few occasions and on several it has resulted in the young person getting into an industry that’s hard to break into. However, I have only ever asked for the person if they would consider having a coffee, taking a look at the cv or offering some advice, never anything more onerous.

I would personally send a friendly email apologising for your forward ness but asking if they would consider offering your dd any advice or even meeting her to have a chat. Include her email and ask him to contact her directly. Wish him well and finish with thanks and best wishes from myself and dh.

Cuppaoftea · 13/03/2018 18:05

Has your marriage gone stale? Be honest with yourself.

This.

SpringHen · 13/03/2018 19:00

I don't know one single photographer personally. Or someone who does know one
How would you know whether the people you know know one or not unless you ask? Really none of your aquaintances know or use photographers ever?

I fail to believe that this is the only photographer that the OP could possibly ask about apprentiship advice from.

missiondecision · 13/03/2018 19:08

How do you know he is still a photographer?
Stalking maybe? That is weird. I’m not sure your dh/p would be impressed with that career opening.
Let her do what other budding photographers do.

missiondecision · 13/03/2018 19:09

Contact local studios or established companies and ask.

ladypippa · 13/03/2018 19:16

@SpringHen

How would you know whether the people you know know one or not unless you ask? Really none of your acquaintances know or use photographers ever?

What an odd post!

Yes I do know actually, that my friends and people I know don't know any photographers PERSONALLY. And no, they don't use photographers for anything. Why would they? Confused

Everyone has perfectly good camera phones, and digital cameras. Who the fuck actually uses photographers these days? Apart from maybe for their wedding. You do know this is 2018, not 1983 right?

And even if someone uses a wedding photographer, no-one knows them personally.

Or do you think you know me and my friendship group better than I do? Hmm

What's more, as I said, I would never be so cheeky as to bug them. It's very rude to pester people for professional advice.

Battleax · 13/03/2018 19:16

Everyone knows or knows someone who knows a photographer, a nurse, a teacher etc

Why do people pretend to believe that everybody’s lives are the same?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/03/2018 19:20

On a practical note, it would be easier if your dd could find something nearer she could travel to. It would be quite tough for her to go straight from school to living on her own in this photographer's city and expensive for you to fund her accommodation (?)

I also think that if you decide to contact your ex you need to be prepared for rejection. My brother works in a similar field and he's inundated with requests for apprenticeships. An apprentice with no training straight from school needs a hell of a lot of supervision and guidance. It's a lot to take on for someone running their own small business.

ladypippa · 13/03/2018 19:20

Exactly @Battleax ... It's obnoxious and ignorant and presumptuous. Hmm

And when you say you DON'T know such people, you are called a liar.

Fucks me right off.

whampiece · 13/03/2018 19:22

Bloody hell yes you are BU

Not just bc you are thinking about contacting an very old ex; but because YOU are thinking about doing it.

She needs to do things herself, find her own way, do college or whatever. Wrote to photographers and offer to volunteer as a runner to get experience.

She absolutely does not need you to micro manage her future using an ex from a long time back!

SpringHen · 13/03/2018 19:43

Who the fuck actually uses photographers these days?

Oh yes photographers are rare as hens teeth these days Hmm

SpringHen · 13/03/2018 19:45

Why do people pretend to believe that everybody’s lives are the same because theyre common professions. Every community has them.

Battleax · 13/03/2018 20:11

Every community has them.

That’s not the same as “everybody knows one”.

You’re just goading for a giggle now, aren’t you?

LemonysSnicket · 13/03/2018 20:52

Don’t ask ... don’t get.

May as well try!

JosephWearsNoPants · 13/03/2018 20:54

eww cringe! NOO DONT DO IT!
let her sort out her own apprenticeship or get on a proper course.