Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact an ex-bf from ancient history to help my daughter?

86 replies

cheekyfecker15 · 13/03/2018 16:43

My first bf was, I thought, the love of my life but we split up over 30 years ago and I met my dh not long after and have been married for 27 years soon. Ex-BF was a photographer and now has a studio. DD is 17 and hates school. She is desperate to be a photographer. Is it unreasonable to ask ex-bf whether he has any positions for an apprentice? He is in another city, but I could sort out accommodation for dd and I really have no desire to see him at all. Would just say I knew him a long time ago and know he benefited from working with a photog as an apprentice. What do you reckon? Is it potentially too messy? A bit cringey? Or just a bizarre form of networking! (Have name-changed to protect the identify of all involved!).

OP posts:
FlyingMonkeys · 13/03/2018 17:04

I'd also be braced for him freaking out or not responding at all. In which case it may shatter all your fond memories of this bloke. Plus be of zero help to dd.

PumpkinPiloter · 13/03/2018 17:06

It sounds to me like she should do a course of some kind in commercial photography. Contrary to popular belief there is a lot to learn with photography and it far from a purely practical subject. Your ex besides it all being a bit of an awkward situation may not even be a good photographer with many skills to teach. There are plenty of bad photographers in the world.

tiffanysfanny · 13/03/2018 17:08

I am with the people who said drop him an email. What's to lose?

Battleax · 13/03/2018 17:08

We have said dd will just have to get herself out in the community, on social media, entering competitions, etc. But will have to stay at school.

You need to stop nodding your DD about. AND you need to leave your boyfriends from three decades ago well alone.

tiffanysfanny · 13/03/2018 17:08

*loose

Battleax · 13/03/2018 17:08

Bossing not Nodding 😏

Battleax · 13/03/2018 17:09

What's to lose?

Lose is correct.

FoofFighter · 13/03/2018 17:09

What's stopping DD contacting him herself, leave yourself out of the equation - she should be doing this herself anyway.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/03/2018 17:11

What is there to lose?

Your fond memories of your first love shattered on the floor? He might be an arsehole now.
Your marriage? He was the love of your life, what if he pursues you and declares his love?
Your pride? He might not remember you at all Grin

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/03/2018 17:11

Has she thought of doing a blog where she features women who look great that she sees locally - I've seen them where they ask where they've bought their clothes, bags, shoes, etc, so that feeds in to advertising.

NurseryFightClub · 13/03/2018 17:14

If someone contacted me from years ago, I'd like to think I'd at least offer advice, imo you have nothing to lose, he can say no if he wants.

KittenBeast · 13/03/2018 17:16

No. It would be weird and sort of wrong, and if your husband knew the full story he might be a bit 'wtf', and rightly so!

AlpacaLypse · 13/03/2018 17:17

I think I would suggest your dd email him yourself and ask his advice, as an old friend of one of her parents. I have a long ago ex who is now quite senior in a very specialised profession and one of my daughters is interested in the same thing. I've handed her his last known email address and told her that it's worth contacting him and mentioning my name. We split on perfectly civilised terms and I have already taken one old friend's child on for work experience (not an ex BF but a friend who I hadn't really seen for many many years though).

SpringHen · 13/03/2018 17:18

I thought this was going to be about a much more specialised field/smaller profession

I think its odd simply because why him? You must know other photographers in the present tense, and if you dont you'll have a friend who does.

Youll have dozen of local photographers and I imagine the advice would all be the same anyway: Get her to show some initiative by contacting them herself rather than her mum doing it!

DalekDalekDalek · 13/03/2018 17:19

Very cheeky to contact him after all this time just to ask for a favour.

Battleax · 13/03/2018 17:21

You must know other photographers in the present tense, and if you dont you'll have a friend who does.

Why “must” she? Confused

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 13/03/2018 17:22

Very odd and creepy to ask him a favour.

FinallyHere · 13/03/2018 17:23

Is it unreasonable to ask ex-bf whether he has any positions for an apprentice?

Yes, that would BU.

However, it would not be unreasonable to ask him whether he knows of any openings for apprentices. Noone wants to be put on the spot, asked for a job. Asked about any openings, thats a great feeling.

This is how networking works. If you get the hang of it, and do not expect anything, all sorts of things might happen. All the best,

SheSparkles · 13/03/2018 17:23

I’m going against the majority and saying drop him an email. I know if an ex of mine from a long time ago got in touch for something like this, I’d be happy to help. From what you say he’s a decent person, so what’s to lose

ladypippa · 13/03/2018 17:23

I think getting in touch with him would be SUPER weird.

TeenTimesTwo · 13/03/2018 17:24

Why don't you get your DD to contact him and other photographers directly asking re apprenticeships? Presumably also including a small portfolio.
and you decide whether portfolio includes a picture of you

SpringHen · 13/03/2018 17:25

Why “must” she? confused
Because its a really common profession so not one that generally requires nepotism like calling up ancient history contacts.

Everyone knows or knows someone who knows a photographer, a nurse, a teacher etc

Its not like hes a research scientist in a small specialised field or a MP etc which was the kinda thing I thought this thread would be about: a hard to break into profession where you gotta pull whatever contacts you can to break in!

winterinmadeira · 13/03/2018 17:25

No this CF-ville. I worked in an environment where I could access tickets for high profile events. The number of people who got in touch 10/15/20 years later asking for favours was unreal. It really smacks of being used. Sorry to sound Harsh but that was my experience and your ex ,why feel the same

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/03/2018 17:26

Hmm yeah it might be a bit creepy when he realises you've been stalking him online researched where he lives now and know all about his photography studio and so on.

It's also putting him in a difficult position to refuse perhaps if he has some guilt or whatever about your break up?

Pfftkids · 13/03/2018 17:31

I don't see anything wrong with asking him and I doubt in the line of work he's in he would see anything wrong with it either.
Photographers use assistants and if she's willing to try it as unpaid work it's a good chance for her to see if she would like it.

I've been a photographer's assistant then moving on to work for myself and it's who you know in that business when getting started. Go for it, the worst he can say is no