Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes wish DH would have an affair?

47 replies

SokutoToTheNeck · 13/03/2018 11:33

To give me an excuse to get out of the marriage?

In the early days of our relationship he showed signs of being unfaithful, signing up to dating agencies and trying to arrange dates with other women. This happened 3 times and I forgave him each time but it's left me with a huge feeling of mistrust. He often does a couple of hours overtime on a night but this is only 4-6pm and my senses tell me he couldn't get upto much in this time so I assume he's telling the truth about working but today he sent me a message saying he "has to" go out to dinner and drinks with his boss and a client tonight at 7pm. I actually felt slightly excited at the possibility of "ooo maybe this is it!".

I know how ridiculous this is and I should just end it but I'm never 100% that that is what I want so I don't have the balls to do it without a proper excuse. Him doing the dirty would give me no option and I'd be able to get out without being the bad guy. I miss being single, I miss making my own decisions, dating, coming and going as I please ... I always question whether he truely loves me as he never seems to want to have sex or do anything with me - it's exhausting. I often daydream about him having an affair and me moving into another house on my own ... anyone else had this in an unhappy marriage?

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 11:34

If the trust is gone then the relationship is gone imo. Take control of your life and do what you need to do, wishing for him to do something to give you an excuse is silly. Own your decision

Kitsharrington · 13/03/2018 11:36

Grow a spine and LTB. Don't make stupid statements when you have no idea of the life-altering hurt some people are put through by their OHs who do actually have affairs.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 13/03/2018 11:37

Do you have children together?

whiskyowl · 13/03/2018 11:37

Jesus, you don't need him to have an affair to be able to leave. You have a right to pursue your own happiness. Just tell him it's over and move on.

WashingMatilda · 13/03/2018 11:38

I think you sound quite intensive tbh.

You don't trust him. If that's not enough to bow out I don't know what is.

FranticallyPeaceful · 13/03/2018 11:38

Disgusting comment. If you want out then get out.

Original poster
SokutoToTheNeck · 13/03/2018 11:39

Kitsharrington, how do you know I've never been through that?

OP posts:
cheeriosandcornflakes · 13/03/2018 11:39

Quite offensive to those whose partner has had an affair. YABU.

MissDuke · 13/03/2018 11:40

This is so sad. It seems like you want to be single but don't to be the bad guy? Just do it, or at least have a serious chat, you may well find that he feels the same way anyway.

usercantsleep · 13/03/2018 11:41

A really insensitive title op?! You may have been cheated on before and got through it but others are right at the start of it now and feel they'll never get over it

Ridiculous ......

SleepFreeZone · 13/03/2018 11:42

You don’t need an excuse OP. Besides it sounds like you marriage isn’t particularly happy so really you already have a reason, doesn’t make you the bad guy just because you said it first.

LeighaJ · 13/03/2018 11:44

This isn't the olden days where adultery or domestic violence were the only way to get a divorce legally. Or even the less olden days where those were the only ways to get a divorce without having to feel ashamed. Nor would be cheated on guarantee a better settlement.

LeighaJ · 13/03/2018 11:45

*being cheated

Mimsy123 · 13/03/2018 11:48

I think your unhappiness probably stems from the fact that he has signed up to dating agencies in the past. Your relationship clearly didn’t get off to a good start, so that’s reason enough for you to want to leave him. It’s totally understandable and if he doesn’t get that, then there’s obviously something very wrong. You probably need to do whatever makes you happy.

StormTreader · 13/03/2018 11:49

He might NEVER give you that excuse - do you really want to live all the rest of your life feeling like this, waiting for an excuse that never comes?

If youre really that unhappy, just go.

MinorRSole · 13/03/2018 11:54

I think people are being a bit harsh here. Surely this is exactly the type of place to express the feelings we normally keep to ourselves. Attempting to police those thoughts doesn't help the op who is clearly deeply unhappy in her relationship.

Op - you don't need a 'good' reason to end your relationship. Being unhappy, not wanting to be with him - that's a perfectly valid reason.

I once read a thread on here about how people knew their relationship was over - one of the top reasons was finding themselves wishing their partner would cheat.

whampiece · 13/03/2018 11:54

Yes YABU

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 13/03/2018 11:56

There doesn't have to be a major situation or betrayl. It doesn't work, you are unhappy. Honestly, that's fine. You don't need permission or approval or sympathy to move on with your life.

DiegoMadonna · 13/03/2018 11:58

You're clearly unhappy.

I'm never 100% that that is what I want

People in good relationships do not write threads like this. Just leave.

MIngerDynasty · 13/03/2018 12:02

Don't make stupid statements when you have no idea of the life-altering hurt some people are put through by their OHs who do actually have affairs.

Um the OP has said he was putting himself on dating sites Hmm

that is cheating.Not every person is devastated by an affair, people are devastated because a good marriage is ruined. Some people are not happy when the affair happens..because they've been shit on for years at that point.

Feel sorry for that person.

Original poster
SokutoToTheNeck · 13/03/2018 12:03

I don't know what it is, he hasn't done anything wrong. I'm just bored. I'm bored of never doing anything on a weekend, bored of sat watching tv every evening. We don't have kids together, mine live with us but are adults and independent so we could go out whenever we wanted to, he just never wants to because he's always tired.

We have sex once a week, on a weekend - robotic and planned because if I didn't instigate then, it would never happen. I miss passion, excitement, dates, autonomous living ...

OP posts:
MIngerDynasty · 13/03/2018 12:03

OP YABU though, if yo're not prepared to leave now, I'm not sure you will leave when he cheats. He's already cheated really. Do you want to be in a relationship again one day? WOuld it be easier now or in ten years time? Men seem to be getting worse on the whole... I think get in there now before they've gone off completely Grin

MrsPepperpot79 · 13/03/2018 12:09

You don't need a reason other than your own unhappiness and lack of satisfaction in the marriage. YANBU though - you still feel hesitant and unsure and needing something else to validate your feelings. Re-read your post - your feelings are enough.

And for those who talk about affairs devastating people - yes, some. For me - it was almost a relief that my XH walked out to be with someone I knew nothing about as the marriage was so shit by that point that I was glad he left. Like you OP I was looking for a reason, and had just concluded that being unhappy WAS a reason, when he flitted. I guess he also realised time was up.

HelpTheTigers · 13/03/2018 12:13

OP, I was in your situation. I was a wimp and DH was my first relationship. I just couldn't make the break and escape from the toxic situation that I was in. When eventually he started seeing someone else (and denying it too, even though I had concrete evidence and caught him in the act), I was in shreds and would have done anything to keep our crap relationship going. I knew that it was wrong, but was so shattered by it all that I would have done anything to get him back.

Now, I'm really grateful to the OW for getting me out of the situation. I laughed my head off and it made my week, when I heard that they were getting divorced a few years later.
What would have lessened my grief and anger, would have been if I had been the one to walk away. I would have had some sort of 'upper hand' (apologies if anyone here finds this offensive, I really don't mean to be) and not have felt that I was the one who had been dumped, humiliated and had my nose rubbing in the shit while the happy couple had a good time.
Please do yourself a big favour by making your own decision and if you choose to, escape from this situation. Apparently, the OW planned her escape from my ex-H meticulously, even buying and furnishing a house behind his back prior to walking out. Wow!
Good luck OP.

Seafoodeatit · 13/03/2018 12:14

It sounds like you've both checked out of the relationship, what does it matter who puts the final nail in? Try to think of it as your relationship being over and this just being the last step to moving on with your lives.