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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes wish DH would have an affair?

47 replies

SokutoToTheNeck · 13/03/2018 11:33

To give me an excuse to get out of the marriage?

In the early days of our relationship he showed signs of being unfaithful, signing up to dating agencies and trying to arrange dates with other women. This happened 3 times and I forgave him each time but it's left me with a huge feeling of mistrust. He often does a couple of hours overtime on a night but this is only 4-6pm and my senses tell me he couldn't get upto much in this time so I assume he's telling the truth about working but today he sent me a message saying he "has to" go out to dinner and drinks with his boss and a client tonight at 7pm. I actually felt slightly excited at the possibility of "ooo maybe this is it!".

I know how ridiculous this is and I should just end it but I'm never 100% that that is what I want so I don't have the balls to do it without a proper excuse. Him doing the dirty would give me no option and I'd be able to get out without being the bad guy. I miss being single, I miss making my own decisions, dating, coming and going as I please ... I always question whether he truely loves me as he never seems to want to have sex or do anything with me - it's exhausting. I often daydream about him having an affair and me moving into another house on my own ... anyone else had this in an unhappy marriage?

OP posts:

Ebeneser · 13/03/2018 12:15

If you are bored, do something on your own. I have plenty of hobbies I do myself or with friends. My partner is very boring. Most of his days consist of going to work, coming home and basically then just snoring in his chair in front of the telly.
I do my own thing. I have even spent 3 weeks cycling around Central America. I didn’t know anyone when I arrived (it was an organised group tour). He lets me do it, probably as if he tried telling me what to do I’d show him the door. Likewise if he wanted to do stuff on his own I’d let him (he does some football committe stuff, but that’s as exciting as it gets). It would be nice if he would do more active things with me, but he won’t.
If it’s more than just a bit of boredom, then maybe you should consider leaving him.

PremierNaps · 13/03/2018 12:17

Just leave him. Your excuses as you call them is that you don't love him. If there's no trust or love then you both should get out.

elisenbrunnen · 13/03/2018 12:21

OP - I felt exactly the same. I wanted a black-and-white result. I wanted it taken out of my hands.

I left him.

And my life is exactly how I want it.

MrsElvis · 13/03/2018 12:21

You know you can leave but won't. If you really want to leave and blame him then hire one of those honey trap girls

JudgeyJudy · 13/03/2018 12:23

I know how you feel OP. I was unhappily married, but never felt I was unhappy enough to turn someone else's life upside down. But things became more and more unhappy, and now I wish I'd been brave enough to leave years before. The thing is, if you ask yourself if you deserve more, you probably do.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/03/2018 12:24

Well OP, you can't have your cake, and eat it, neither can you sit dreaming of freedom.
You need to sit down and tell him how you feel. Do you genuinely think he may be cheating this evening ?
You are a long time dead, please don't waste any more of your precious life.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 13/03/2018 12:27

Don't glamourise the idea of dating Sokuto - read some of the dating threads on here and maybe they will prompt you to try and sort out your marriage instead of leaping out of the frying pan into the fire.

JaniceBattersby · 13/03/2018 12:32

OP all the reasons you have given are enough to end it. You get one precious life and you should make every day count. Don’t waste your life, and more importantly don’t waste his. Let him go and find someone who loves him, and the same for you.

You could both have a very happy, exciting future with different people. This is not the man for you.

DistanceCall · 13/03/2018 12:34

Um, not wanting to be in a relationship with someone is a perfectly good reason to end it. I used to have a boyfriend who was (and is) a lovely person. We weren't suited to each other, though, and I ended it amicably (and he later agreed that it was the best option).

You don't need an excuse to get out of a relationship, FFS.

pudding21 · 13/03/2018 12:37

I hear what you are saying, my ex was EA and a few months before I left I found a big box of chocolates (it was a few days before xmas) hidden. I assumed they were for me, but they never materialised, when I asked him about them, he said he was just greedy and ate them. I still don't believe him, but anyway I was hoping they were for another woman, but sadly got no proof. I wanted to be able to leave with no question about my integrity. As it was of course many people asked if there was someone else form my point of view (there wasn't just I was miserable with the way he treated me). It felt like it would have been so much easier if there was someone else in his life. In the end the best thing happened as the kids know why I left as do most people who know me.

I did though use that as a kick up the ass to leave him (one of many), because I came to realise I didn't need him to do anything the emotional abuse was enough. And that i had the strength on my own to leave.

if you are really thinking like this, your relationship is dead and won't recover.

starlightmeteorite · 13/03/2018 12:38

You might think you wish that, but I can assure you the reality is a whole level of damage that you can't even begin to imagine unless it happens. Just be careful what you wish for....

On the other hand, why don't you take control, make all the decisions yourself and leave now? One of the hardest thing about a partner having an affair is that suddenly, someone else and their actions is dictating everything about your life. You have no control. It can be quite frightening.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 13/03/2018 12:41

SokutoToTheNeck I have literally been where you are. I wished I could catch him so I would be forced to end the marriage and be guilt free. Then, I caught him and didn’t leave. It took another year for me to find the convictions, strength and need to leave. At the time I honestly believes that catching him would be like a golden ticket. But now I see that for anyone to leave an unhappy marriage the decision has to come from inside you. It’s very hard and it’s often easier to stay. You need to say loudly to yourself that you don’t need permission from anyone to leave. And believe me you do not need permission from anyone If you’re unhappy and you want to leave, then you should. You only have so much time in your life and nothing is a given. Spend it wisely. Take time, be kind to yourself and good luck.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 13/03/2018 12:42

Also, what JaniceBattersby said is good advice.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/03/2018 12:43

Why do some women 'make do'? You are only here once, make the most of it.

turnipfarmers · 13/03/2018 12:52

Be careful what you wish for

greenhighlighter · 13/03/2018 12:57

Not all breakups have to be awful. People grow apart and change with time and mature and end up wanting different things in life.

Just have an honest and frank discussion with him & put the wheels in motion. Good luck.

UnsuspectedItem · 13/03/2018 13:01

Do both of you a favour and leave.

Ginandpanic · 13/03/2018 13:04

The op sounds like she has a miserable marriage. Lack of intamicy, and the affects this can have on you, is enough reason to end a marriage . Just because she has not been cheated on does not mean her unhappiness is any less valid.

UpstartCrow · 13/03/2018 13:13

You don't need him to give you an excuse. End the marriage and get your life back.

MorganKitten · 13/03/2018 13:31

To give me an excuse to get out of the marriage?
I don't know what it is, he hasn't done anything wrong. I'm just bored.

You need to talk to him or leave, you are being a bit selfish to want him to cheat so you have an excuse. Be a grown up and say you aren't happy. Then leave.

Oblomov18 · 13/03/2018 13:47

Good god woman, why don't you just leave him. Your relationship is over anyway - you have no trust.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2018 13:50

I'd suggest you start by creating your own life without him instead of being miserable whilst waiting for him to join the one you have.

Start going out, take up a hobby or sport, do things. I think you'll find it much easier to get out of an unhappy marriage once you realize that you don't need him.

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