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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this childcare plan

68 replies

Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 22:04

Fully prepared to be told that I am BU, but here goes..

DC1 is due in September. I have a well paid job which I am pretty good at and have worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get to where I now am. I’m self-employed and it’s the kind of work where you can be forgotten about pretty quickly if you are not around for a lengthy period of time.

DH is employed and paid well, but I am the main bread winner by a long way.

After DC1 arrives, I plan to take around 12 weeks off and go back to work full time in the new year. The plan is then for DH to take a further 6 months of shared parental leave before DC1 starts nursery at 9 months.

I have since been congratulating myself for making such an excellent plan so far in advance. However, I mentioned it to a colleague today who was completely horrified. His view was that care provided by DH wouldn’t be equal to care provided by me, and that I ought to stay home for longer.

Whilst we could probably afford for me to take more time off, we do have a pretty hefty mortgage and I will have a massive tax bill to pay in January, so I would be worrying about money the whole time.

I also find the suggestion that DH could not provide the same level of care for his child as me a bit odd.

However, the whole conversation has got me questioning myself, and having never had a child before, I obviously do not know what to expect. It may be that my plan was over ambitious.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Chickoletta · 12/03/2018 22:59

I would have found this very hard. I wouldn't have proffered that opinion unless you'd asked for it though. Tell your colleague to mind their own business, but also be prepared to be flexible in your plan if your feelings change or your baby doesn't take a bottle well.

Good luck with your baby.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/03/2018 23:02

I don’t think it’s bonkers, but do keep an open mind. I was totally sure I wanted to be a sahm but after a couple of months at home with DC1 I was brushing up my CV! I loved him to bits but was bored and lonely at home and also wanted to be able to provide for him.

I find working good for my mental health (and my bank balance) and by keeping going (albeit part time) while they were young, I have been able to carve out a niche where I can earn a fairly decent salary working only when they are at school /in bed.

But don’t be too rigid about this plan. It might not suit your DH to be SAHD (or he might love it)

It’s also worth bearing in mind (given the number of times i have seen shocked mums come to terms with it) that if you are working the most and DH doing the majority of the care then in the event you split he is likely to end up the “main” parent (not guaranteed, but it is worth making your peace with that possible scenario now)

elliejjtiny · 12/03/2018 23:03

Your baby will be just as happy with you or their dad looking after them. I wouldn't have been able to go back to work at 12 weeks with any of mine though. I hadn't physically recovered from the birth with two of them, one didn't sleep and I had pnd with all 5.

HagueBlue2018 · 12/03/2018 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rewn7 · 12/03/2018 23:04

The one thing I’ve learned for certain since DD was born (11 years ago!) is that everybodies experience of having a baby is vastly individual and often differs wildly.

You could be like me (biggest shock of my life and walked round like a stunned sobbing zombie for months) or it could be an absolute breeze.

So I’d echo what PP’s have said above. Plan by all means, but be super flexible and get your DH on board with that. Your first child can change you in ways you’d never even guessed so if your plan changes you need to not feel guilty or as if you’ve failed. Hormones can do that to us.

So no I don’t think your plan is U. If it works out it sounds ideal for you and doable with good support between you and your DH. Just be easy on yourself if it doesn’t as adaptation is something to be proud of too.

Original poster

Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 23:07

Thanks all - this is brilliant advice and just what I needed

OP posts:

FairyFantastic · 12/03/2018 23:08

Currently with DC1 so can't comment from a parental perspective BUT....

I find it pretty rude what your colleague said! My mum planned to have my brother put to nursery pretty quick after birth, but when he was born he was born with complications, she had a c-section and to be honest she just bonded with him straight away.

My dad was a stay-at-home dad for a few years, he was my brothers carer, whilst my mum went to work. It never did us any harm! Do what you feel is best. I think you said at the start the general consensus was prepare to be flexible, and that's really all I can think of. Good luck :)

PandaPieForTea · 12/03/2018 23:10

As long as you have some backup plan then it seems perfectly reasonable. I wouldn’t have been well enough at 12 weeks after having DD1, but it would have been fine after having DD2. But in principle it’s fine if you are both happy with it. It might not suit every family dynamic - my DH wouldn’t have been interested in shared leave, unless I had been off too. But I’m not stupid enough to think that applies beyond my own family.

puglife15 · 12/03/2018 23:10

Your colleague should butt out BUT I would have really, really struggled to go back at 12 weeks with one of my DC. He would scream in anyone else's arms, would only sleep on me and never took a bottle (and couldn't have formula anyway it turns out), was a dreadful sleeper, boob was his only comfort and I was a zombie until he was 1.

With my other DC I could have gone back at 5 months easily, maybe 3 at a push.

Bear in mind also that it can be pretty hard for SAHDs/ Dads taking parental leave to integrate, they are often ostracised or feel alone depending on where you are based. It can be lonely enough as a mum. It's not just your feelings you need to take into account.

Lifechallenges · 12/03/2018 23:22

In the US its normal or was to go back at 6 weeks. I would have been fine as I bounced out of both births but the sleepless nights killed me for the first 6-8 weeks both times. Have a plan. Have a plan B. Don’t be hard on yourself if you end up on plan E.

donquixotedelamancha · 12/03/2018 23:25

However, I mentioned it to a colleague today who was completely horrified. His view was that care provided by DH wouldn’t be equal to care provided by me, and that I ought to stay home for longer.

It's probably just a cultural difference. Does your colleague commute from the 1950s?

Or perhaps he's speaking with the wisdom of experience. Is he a shit Dad himself? If you gently explain that your husband is not a useless buffoon, he'll be reassured.

I wish we'd been able to afford for me to take paternal leave. I think in a decade's time it will be the norm.

Carouselfish · 12/03/2018 23:40

I suppose this means I'm a 'throwback' (all the way to the apes) but I do find it strange denying biology and saying men and women are no different in every respect, but in this instance in the 'level of care' they'd provide for a newborn. Sure, they can physically do the same things except breastfeed, but they won't have the same hormones, they won't for example, be so tuned in to the new-born's cry they can't sleep through it. They'll love it, but, since love is a chemical reaction, presumably that's affected by hormones too. There is presumably a difference in attachment that allows more fathers to walk away from their new babies than mothers? I'd have assumed that was evolutionarily sound thinking. What's socially common and acceptable is flexible, but it's really just superficial; painted over what drives us on a physical level.
OP, whatever works for you, I just don't think we should pretend that a mother and father of a newborn experience the same things and react in the same way.

blackteasplease · 12/03/2018 23:49

Are you a barrister? Is your colleague hoping to nick your work by any chance?

I do also think you've had some good advice about the need to recover before going back to work though.

PandaPieForTea · 13/03/2018 00:37

they won't for example, be so tuned in to the new-born's cry they can't sleep through it

Is that definitely hormonal or an element of choice?

We had a deal that I was on maternity leave and could sleep during the day if necessary, so I did nights (my babies were good sleepers, I wasn’t hard done by). Had we agreed an alternative, I think DH may have woken when our baby cried.

Rewn7 · 13/03/2018 08:06

they won't for example, be so tuned in to the new-born's cry they can't sleep through it

I could tbh believe this as when DD cried as a baby it caused a physical reaction in me. Almost painful. I literally could not ignore it. Her cries didn’t affect DH in the same way despite him being great and wanting to soothe her.

I firmly believe men are just as capable if they step up but I would love to know if anyone’s ever studied that link in Mother’s as by goodness I remember that feeling to this day. It was animalistic and instinctual.

minipie · 13/03/2018 08:19

Carouselfish I agree there may be differences between the way a mother and father feel towards their newborn, especially hormonally.

What is "throwback" thinking is the conclusion that therefore the mother should stay at home.

Camomila · 13/03/2018 08:23

Carouselfish I don't have the reference to hand but I remember for my MA reading a study by some psychologists where some stay at home dads hormones/brain scans?? changed to become more nurturing the more time they spent with their babies.

I think there is an element of choice to hearing new borns cry...I was so out of it after a difficult birth that my DM (from the other room!) had to shake me awake to feed DS. Whenever she stayed round in the first months I wouldn't wake up (clearly in my head I thought a proper grown-up is here I can relax)

Beetlejizz · 13/03/2018 08:24

Twelve weeks is somewhat reliant on your recovery being straightforward, and if you want to breastfeed on that being established well and on baby not still feeding every hour or two. But both of those things are realistic possibilities. I'd probably build in contingency for you to go back around 16 weeks though, in case you need it.

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