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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this childcare plan

68 replies

Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 22:04

Fully prepared to be told that I am BU, but here goes..

DC1 is due in September. I have a well paid job which I am pretty good at and have worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get to where I now am. I’m self-employed and it’s the kind of work where you can be forgotten about pretty quickly if you are not around for a lengthy period of time.

DH is employed and paid well, but I am the main bread winner by a long way.

After DC1 arrives, I plan to take around 12 weeks off and go back to work full time in the new year. The plan is then for DH to take a further 6 months of shared parental leave before DC1 starts nursery at 9 months.

I have since been congratulating myself for making such an excellent plan so far in advance. However, I mentioned it to a colleague today who was completely horrified. His view was that care provided by DH wouldn’t be equal to care provided by me, and that I ought to stay home for longer.

Whilst we could probably afford for me to take more time off, we do have a pretty hefty mortgage and I will have a massive tax bill to pay in January, so I would be worrying about money the whole time.

I also find the suggestion that DH could not provide the same level of care for his child as me a bit odd.

However, the whole conversation has got me questioning myself, and having never had a child before, I obviously do not know what to expect. It may be that my plan was over ambitious.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 12/03/2018 22:34

Can you do this if you're self-employed?

Original poster
Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 22:34

@shouldwestay - ha, yes, that could well be a possibility!

@minipie - another great tip. He may well be able to reduce his hours, he would certainly be very keen to

OP posts:
pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 22:36

It's fine as a plan, as long as you build in contingency for the very real possibility that you won't be able, or won't want to go back to work after 12 weeks.

welshweasel · 12/03/2018 22:38

Sounds amazing! I went back to work after 16 weeks and DS had to go to Nursery full time. DH would have been delighted to have been able to stay home with him for a few months but it wasn’t possible for financial reasons. What I’ve learned though is that whatever you do, people will pass comment. You either go back too soon, have too long off, you honestly can’t win. Smile and nod.

LexiGray · 12/03/2018 22:38

ENWI I’m not sure it’s legal to return to work before 6 weeks, you may have to rethink that.
I think 12 weeks is a good time to return in your position OP. I advise one bottle a day from day one even if you want to breastfeed feed as you don’t want be battling to get baby to take bottles before you go back to work.
You may also want to think about earplugs if hubby will be doing most night duties, and make sure your space to work at home is away from noise and distractions.

Mummyontherun86 · 12/03/2018 22:39

I had a hard birth and took 6-9months to recover so wouldn’t have been able to do this but from friends I think this is exceptional and most are in a good physical state by 12weeks.
Emotionally I think how women feel is about as varied as women themselves.
I think it’s brilliant that your baby will have a parent to care lovingly for them. I must admit to thinking babies suffer when they go to childcare very young, so I think SPL is perfect in this situation to avoid early childcare.

Good luck. I hope you enjoy your maternity leave and your return to work. I would imagine leaving your baby with your DH will bring you huge reassurance that your baby is loved and well cared for and make returning to work far easier.

Original poster
Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 22:40

@arnold - I believe so, I’ve run everything through the calculater on gov.uk and DH is entitled to SPL

OP posts:
Original poster
Stellarbella · 12/03/2018 22:40

*calculator - duh

OP posts:
shouldwestayorshouldwego · 12/03/2018 22:41

It is still important for your dh to return to work though just in case you die/divorce so he can support himself. Also if he is a SAHP then he would become the primary carer. Not something you want to dwell on at a positive time, but worth considering in all the work/life balancing. Just read the relationship boards for a few days and you will get the gist of mainly women left high and dry after a relationship split.

LittleBearPad · 12/03/2018 22:41

You have to take 2 weeks matleave, not 6.

throwcushions · 12/03/2018 22:42

Same experience as DrWhy. We had never had an issue with the bottle from 2 weeks...got cocky! Took a break over Christmas. She hasn't taken a bottle since she was 11 weeks. Only now is she beginning to take a cup at 25 weeks.

Enwi · 12/03/2018 22:42

DrWhy- unfortunately due to the nature of my job we are left with no choice. My income is far higher than DP’s, and we just couldn’t live off the maternity allowance + his wage. Not to mention that I’ll lose clients if I’m off longer than two weeks. Thankfully my DP can help with the business as well as the baby, so I won’t be doing it all on my own.

Garmadonsmum · 12/03/2018 22:42

I think it's the not wanting to go back that would have been the real problem for me!
That and ebfing for 6 months was very important to me. Oh and there's the question of sleep - but if your dh fully takes the nights on hopefully you can sleep yourself.

Enwi · 12/03/2018 22:43

Lexi- i’m self employed so can return whenever I wish, but the shared parental leave policy requires I take at least two weeks.

AHobbyaweek · 12/03/2018 22:45

Ok you sounds exactly like me as we did this almost exactly.
I am the main bread winner and went back after 12 weeks. We used annual leave each to have 4 weeks together over Christmas so that we could almost do a handover so that when my DH started his 6 months leave he was confident in it. He then decided to be a SAHP so plans may change.

I was no angry with people telling me that "you will change your mind, you have no idea what you are doing"
"You can't leave your baby with your DH"
"Why are you back so early"

But we love it and it works so well for us! If we have another (DD is 2.5) then we will do the same ie. I will go back after 12 weeks.

xxxbdjaix · 12/03/2018 22:46

I would say wait until you have had DC before making a definite decision. I was all planning to go back after nine months as 'I could not afford to be completely unpaid.' Well here I am eating my words at 11 months into my maternity leave and dreading going back. Confused
Having said that everyone is different, a friend of mine who is self employed has gone back after just six weeks.

supersop60 · 12/03/2018 22:49

starbella - there's nothing wrong with having a plan. Be prepared for things to change, and tell other people where to stick their opinions!
Good luck with the baby Flowers

MySockIsWetAgain · 12/03/2018 22:50

The only thing DH can't do and you hopefully can is breastfeed. Everything else, he'll be just as competent and exhausted as you would be.

I think if you are BFing, the advice for bottles is to start them at cca 1mo. Then DC will be used to the nipple and not confused, and young enough to take them. Expressing is a faff but so are so many other things in life. Get a good pump.

stuckinagut · 12/03/2018 22:51

Lots of good replies for you above already - whatever works for you, be prepared to be flexible, of course DH can do as good a job etc.

Just don't be surprised if you find your beloved job suddenly taking a BIG back seat after your baby is born ;)

ManicGirl · 12/03/2018 22:53

It doesn't sound like a mad plan at all. One thing to consider though is how much your dh wants to get involved with the baby groups and stuff. They were a lifesaver for me, gave me a bit of routine and I made lots of new friends.
My dh took over and felt really excluded and a bit isolated from all the mum cliques. He took dd to the park on his own a lot (not that he didn't like It, but it's something to think about).

user1471426142 · 12/03/2018 22:53

Shared parental leave makes financial sense in your situation (assuming ok being self-employed) but If you could stretch to an extra month or two you might find it easier. I still had lochia at 8 weeks and was maybe just returning to exercise/feeling a bit more normal by 12 weeks. By 16 I was getting more sleep and feeling quite a lot better. It’s amazing how much difference a few weeks can make re sleep. If you’re planning to breastfeed during the night and work during the day it may well be tough if you have a bad sleeper.

We ended up formula feeding and in practical terms there probably wouldn’t have been much difference between the care provided between me or my husband but I think there were some differences. I was much more attuned to my baby’s crying for example and would wake a lot quicker than he did. If I was working, I’d have needed to have slept in a different room as I wouldn’t have been able to have a restful sleep otherwise.

The other thing is that you might miss out on the social side. I made a lot of friends from classes and until shared parental leave becomes a lot more common, most of the other people there would be mums. I’m seeing more stay at home dads around now for the toddler years but there didnt seem to be any around in the early baby days.

None of those are insurmountable of course but an extra month or two might help you balance the juggling of a small baby and work and make life a bit more enjoyable. Obviously if finances preclude that you’ll have to find a way of making it work and lots of other women have managed ok.

newmumwithquestions · 12/03/2018 22:54

It’s a good plan.

Personally I couldn’t have left DD with OH at 12 weeks but that’s because I was doing everything for her - every feed, every waking, etc. OH was not willingly hands on at all. So because I was doing it all I was the only one (in my mind) who could. But it sounds like your OH is keen to get stuck into being a parent.

Rejoiner · 12/03/2018 22:56

DC1 was bottle fed from day 1 for a variety of reasons, this meant that DH was an equal parent from the start, or actually the primary parent for the first week whilst I got myself together.

As this was ages ago there was no shared leave so he just took a couple of weeks off then went to work for a couple then it was Christmas so he could take another 2, all the time he was an equal parent.

Then in January we both went back to work, I’d had 12 weeks off by then which was my maternity leave. If DH had been able to take shared leave I would have had no issues with him having sole care of DC.

I was fit and well so had no issues with resumming my role from day 1

DrWhy · 12/03/2018 22:58

If you are planning to breastfeed I’d definitely look at US based sites and forums, maternity leave is minimal there, many women go back much sooner so full time expressing is much more common, you’d probably get a lot of tips.
Enwi that’s a tough situation, could you reduce your workload for the next few weeks - continue to see clients but less per day/week for example for the month when you returned? It’s hard when you don’t have the 90% pay for 6 weeks you get when you are employed - doesn’t seem very fair. I’m sure you’ll make it work with help from your DH.

Thelampshadelady · 12/03/2018 22:58

Op take no notice of this wally.
I too, am self employed and heading back to work around the 12 week mark. I’m not the bread winner but I’ve spent almost a decade building a successful business that is important to me and for my family’s future.
I’ve had negative comments but I just say ‘oh we be will fine’ or ‘we’ll manage’ I don’t enter into their negativity and it makes me all the more determined to prove them wrong. Not everyone has the luxury of 12 months off with amazing pay.
Good luck and congratulations.