AIBU to want to know what H actually blood wants??

[PerfectlyDone]

I am so frustrated, so venting here. And I am up for a fight if any of you dare to tell my AIBU

I found out that STBXH of 20 years had a purely sexual affair on and off for 4 year some 3 years ago. Only because I found out we had relationship counselling for almost 1 year and I thought we had regrouped and were back on track. 6 months ago he told me had another OW and it 'meant more' and he was on a 'quest for happiness' (I still cannot say that phrase without breaking in to slightly hysterical giggles ). He moved out, he sees the kids regularly, he tells me nothing, our financial/house/cars/pensions affairs are still entirely intertwined.

I'd've thought that if I was riding off in to the sunset with my New Found Love, I'd want to rid of the Old Hag Inside asap.
But no.
He is totally dragging his heels.
He is hard done by and I am to blame (not enough sex, you see, prior to him starting first affair - DS4 was 1yo).

Do what DOES HE BLOODY WANT??!

He is off sick, with stress, you see.
Whereas my life has of course been a bed of bloody roses in the last few months. Not.

FFS.

Somebody explain this to me.

bed of roses, natch.
Sorry

Doesn't really matter what he wants now, does it? (In the nicest possible way!)

What do you want?

Yes, rationally I know that, and I recognise it and I agree with that statement.

But, but, but: I've known him for 25 years, we've had 4 DCs together, we've overcome all sorts of hardships and stresses in life and now this?!

Really??

Cake. And. Eat. It.

Why not drag his heels in case it doesn’t work out with”questerbabe” then he hasn’t lost... the...lit

Explain what? That he's keeping his options open?

Proper bastard. My ex was furious that I was pursuing divorce as he was entirely fine with things (being an abusive cheat). Of course he was. Happy having his household jobs done, food cooked, children raised, an emotional punchbag and of course someone to screw that meant very little (but still more than the wife). Of course he was unhappy he had to get a flat, cook, clean, spend time with his children himselfand couldb't bitch to me anymore.
Oh he hated it.

Sounds like he wants to keep his options open tbh.

If the grass isn’t greener then he’ll come running back.

Yep, he’s definitely a dick.

Try a different tactic - tell him you understanding he is struggling to move on, you understand how hard he finds it coping with life alone. You suggest he sees a counsellor to get help with his feelings about moving on.

He may sign the forms to prove he can manage without you.

He's keeping you dangling.

Cut that string!

Oh, he is not alone, he has OW. Cannot do school run for out kids as he is doing it for OW's children tomorrow.

His life is stressful beyond all reasoning and I want to know what he thought he had to gain: we will both be financially worse off, we will both see our own children less, we will both have more pressures on us.

Do you want a real laugh? OW has 4 DCs also

He has taken leave of his senses.

And all my fault, because I did not massage his ego and his dick enough, you see. My fault.

Ah, well.

He wants to not have to sell his house and split the money 50/50 and live somewhere shittier.

The end.

Oh no, he want to sell the house, he thinks I am going to owe him Lots Of Money, when in fact he ears 3x what I make, his pension is huge and he will be liable for DSs x4 for many years to come.

He has not thought this through.

I know it is no longer my role, but I actually feel sorry for him. My life is going to be so much better when the dust has settled, his? Not so much.

And I never wanted this. For either one of us. Nor for the DSs, or our wider families who are all still reeling from the shock

He doesn’t know what he wants but he won’t be happy until he gets it.

Sod what he wants, to what do you want op?

Who cares what he wants? Time for you to focus on what YOU want!

If you want to get divorced and for him to stop dicking around, then tell him to get on with it or see a solicitor. He’s taking the piss.

X post!

In my ex's case it was because ow was putting wedding pressure on and he didn't want to remarry. Told her it was ME dragging the divorce out even though I filed.

May well also be despite what he says he knows he's going to lose out financially.

You already know he's a liar why are you believing anything he says even if it's him saying what he claims to think/believe?

Oh, I know what I want: I want our finances to be disentailed asap.
I want to be free from him asap.
I want some kind of predictability for the DCs.
I want to not have to listen how It Is All My Fault (because I had a gun to his head, forcing him to shag other people, clearly).

I am very lucky to have a supportive family, good friends and a good job that can support us all if that is what it might take.

I just still feel a bit like Victor Meldrew in that I cannot believe it: that this is what he has actively chosen to do with his life. And all our lives.

Disentangled, finances to be disentangled.

Sorry

Why does he thinks you'll owe him money?

Please get copies of everything you can find. Bank statements , passwords account numbers. When he finds out its not going to be pretty he may try and hide stuff.

He does have form for lying/cheating...

So what DO you want? You're spending far too much time thinking/talking about what he wants and not nearly enough time talking about what YOU want.

He thinks there's loads of equity in the house.

There might be some, but not a lot (and certainly less than the differences in our respective pensions) because he has always prioritised buying new shiny things over aggressively paying the mortgage off.

Sorry, cross post! What steps are you taking to achieve this?