AIBU to want to know what H actually blood wants??

[PerfectlyDone]

I am so frustrated, so venting here. And I am up for a fight if any of you dare to tell my AIBU

I found out that STBXH of 20 years had a purely sexual affair on and off for 4 year some 3 years ago. Only because I found out we had relationship counselling for almost 1 year and I thought we had regrouped and were back on track. 6 months ago he told me had another OW and it 'meant more' and he was on a 'quest for happiness' (I still cannot say that phrase without breaking in to slightly hysterical giggles ). He moved out, he sees the kids regularly, he tells me nothing, our financial/house/cars/pensions affairs are still entirely intertwined.

I'd've thought that if I was riding off in to the sunset with my New Found Love, I'd want to rid of the Old Hag Inside asap.
But no.
He is totally dragging his heels.
He is hard done by and I am to blame (not enough sex, you see, prior to him starting first affair - DS4 was 1yo).

Do what DOES HE BLOODY WANT??!

He is off sick, with stress, you see.
Whereas my life has of course been a bed of bloody roses in the last few months. Not.

FFS.

Somebody explain this to me.

I have changed my will and PoA, I have a lawyer who I like the cut of his jib.

We are both waiting for the Cash Equivalent Transfer Value of our pensions (public service) and getting the house valued in on my list of things to do.

My priority is to keep the house for the DCs: they can all walk to their respective schools, all their activities and friends are centred around here and I don't think that their lives ought to be impacted more than absolutely necessary by his leaving me.

Sounds a bit like my mates OH. He left last Xmas because he felt he couldn’t “grow” anymore in the relationship. He too wanted to find happiness. Turned up a few weeks later in a Buddhist monastery. Let him work it out himself OP. He obviously has issues and feels you can’t help with them. Truth is, he’s an idiot and only adding to his problems but it’s not your call.
Jut make sure you have what’s due to you and get your own life straight.

"I know it is no longer my role, but I actually feel sorry for him. My life is going to be so much better when the dust has settled, his? Not so much."

Sorry to be so blunt, but fuck him!

Do you think he's ever felt sorry for you when he's been shagging his other bits on the side. No. He's arrogant enough to blame YOU for those affairs.

This prick is still trying to keep his options open.

Apart from this undeserved sympathy towards him you sound like a tough cookie with your head screwed on. Ditch the emotional ties and see a solicitor. This is now about you moving on, and security for your DCs. He got what he wanted (although it's clear he's still not entirely sure about that), now it's time for you to get what you want.

Sorry just read you have a lawyer. Can he help you to keep the house? Can you afford to buy out your ExH?

He partly wants to keep his options open, because he probably thinks that you, being a mere woman, can't possibly move on and be happy without his Magic Dick, and therefore if OW gets disobedient he can start playing the two of you off against one another. Or, if OW gets sick of him and throws him out, a bit of boohooing and an offer to go to more counselling will let him get his feet back under your table.

You sound much too smart to fall for it, though. Good luck with getting the divorce and finances sorted out quickly.

And all my fault, because I did not massage his ego and his dick enough, you see. My fault.

That's it in a nutshell. People will disagree, fine, no skin off my nose. Men are very simple creatures, they aren't getting enough sex or too much nagging they will look elsewhere. You might not like it, doesn't matter to me.

I have changed my will and PoA, I have a lawyer who I like the cut of his jib

Just be aware you'll need to make another will once you are actually divorced

Thing is Perfectly you're never going to get an explanation from him, or an admission that he's fucked himself over though you totally get the quiet satisfaction of knowing he has. Don't waste any more mental energy on the "wtf was he thinking" aspect of it and get focused on what you want and how to make that happen. I certainly wouldn't hang about waiting for him to get his arse in gear as it seems he's quite happy to leave you all in limbo while he's on his quest for happiness . I can totally see why that cracks you up btw, I don't think I could keep a straight face!

OP, the problem is that he's not capable of being happy because the problem is within him and he can't accept that. He thought the problem was you, then he got the OW and he was still unhappy. He could be married to Miss World, he'll still be unhappy. The problem is within but he will insist that it's everything but.

He wants to keep his two lives constant so that he can flit between them as he pleases. When you 'make' him unhappy he can go to OW, when she 'makes' him unhappy he can come back to you. Whenever he's unhappy, it will be the woman he's with, not he himself. And naturally you should both accept this, because you're not people with your own wills and desires, you're accessories to him. Satellites in his shitty orbit. Have fun post divorce, the light is bright and you're going to fly.

Tl;dr: who cares what he wants, fuck him.

Men are very simple creatures, they aren't getting enough sex or too much nagging they will look elsewhere.

No argument from me there.

OP, the problem is that he's not capable of being happy because the problem is within him and he can't accept that.

That's it in a nutshell.

Still sad though, I still think we had a good thing together, shame he could not see that.

Oh, and he can SO not come back to me btw.

I can never trust him again, I know that, and he knows that.
He will forever be our DCs' father but as a couple we are Done with a capital D.

Yeah he's under the magic dick delusion for sure. You are a weak woman and will never manage without him you see 😂 they get such a fucking shock when they see us having the temerity to manage much better without them thanks very much (if they're dicks don't mean all men obvs)

What an absolute moron. He knows it, you know it, everyone else knows it and the only way he can possibly live with the fuck up he has created for himself is to try to blame you for it.

The reason he failed to appreciate how lucky he was is because he is an adulterous, self serving clown. One day you won't waste another precious moment wondering anything about him at all.