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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Big age gaps between children?

34 replies

Cockmagic · 12/03/2018 17:36

Hi there, DD is 10 this year, and will probably/hopefully be blessed with a sibling at some point in the next 5 years. Obviously I am slightly worried about the gap.

Does anyone have a large gap between their children? DD is also autistic.

OP posts:

Mulberry72 · 12/03/2018 17:49

There are 9 years between me & my siblings (I’m the oldest). I struggled massively when they came along (multiple birth, unplanned pregnancy), and had great difficulty bonding with them as (in my 9 year old head) they were taking my Mum away from me as they had her undivided attention all the time.

By the time they were in the top infants class, I’d left school and started work and was living pretty much my own life.

Now as we’ve got older and we’ve married and had children, our relationships have improved slightly but we’re not close at all, we can go weeks & weeks without speaking and have practically nothing in common (not even genes as I’m adopted). They are very close, as you would expect with a multiple birth but it would stifle me.

Welliejellie · 12/03/2018 17:55

13 years between mine, it's great they love each other so much never had any problems.

falsepriest · 12/03/2018 17:59

11 years between us. Getting on like a house on fire.

manicinsomniac · 12/03/2018 18:00

I do.

For the children, it's fine. For me, it's a pain and not something I would have chosen.

I have a 15 year old, a 10 year old and a 4 year old. Particularly with the third pregnancy, I was devastated. I'd just started to feel that most of the aspects of adult life I'd lost (never really had actually as DD1 was born while I was at university) were available again and that my children could go to and do most things then suddenly I was having to start again.

I wouldn't change my children now, obviously - but I certainly wouldn't say having a very young child for 15 years on the trot is a positive thing!

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 18:01

There is a 10 year gap between my DH and my SIL. He just found her annoying as a teen (as she was a toddler/young child) they don't have much in common because she's grown up with iPads and the like where as he grew up playing on his bike and climbing trees.

She's lovely though and She has hugely benefited from having an older big bro to look out for her though / give her lifts and somewhere to stay when she's had an argument with her parents!

statetrooperstacey · 12/03/2018 18:02

26, 24, 16, 11, 6 here
Has been hard finding days out. Activities etc to fit all kids but that's about it really.
I quite like an age gap, obviously
My sister has a 16 year old with autism and now a 3 yr old. They get on very well.

Birdsgottafly · 12/03/2018 18:05

There is a 10 and 12 year age gap between mine.

My eldest wasn't interested when they were born, but enjoyed them as toddlers and liked the responsibility of babysitting.

She loved being the one to take them abroad to their first proper Gig, in Paris and Amsterdam. Likewise doing the festivals etc. She is really close to them and her DNs.

I've known big families with usual age gaps, were the Siblings don't bother with each other. I wouldn't worry about it.

It depends on the extent of your DDs issues but it might do wonders for her confidence.

bert3400 · 12/03/2018 18:07

My eldest was 16 when I had my last baby
. They all get on great and I wouldn't change a thing apart from doing the school run for 25 years ...same school, same shit . It's nearing the end now as my youngest is nearly 10 and boy I can not wait 😁

RhubarbYoghurt · 12/03/2018 18:08

18 year age gap between my children. They love each other. But I'm permanently exhausted. She doesn't live near now so they chat via phone. And FaceTime a lot.

negomi90 · 12/03/2018 18:08

My dad had my brother when I was 11, mum had twins when I was 13. I get along with all 3 and my mum is impressed by how much bickering my sisters and I can do.
Carve out time to chat to your oldest when feeding the newborn and when after bedtime. My mum and I would share many a tub of Ben and Jerry's with a movie after the twins were in bed and they are some of my favorite memories.

MyDcAreMarvel · 12/03/2018 18:09

My eldest had exactly six years between them , it was too big a gap to play together etc. Then in had five children in four years with gaps of 19 months , 18 months, 6 minutes and 11 months between each one. Smaller age gaps are much better.
However in contrast to pp I have loved having a little one for 19 years - youngest is two.

Kinsorino · 12/03/2018 18:13

6.5 years between my two. Although I didn't plan that gap, its worked out really well. My eldest has autism, and it turns out my youngest does too. I don't think I would've coped with a smaller gap given their additional needs.

Bobbybobbins · 12/03/2018 18:16

Both my DS are autistic and a 22 month gap between them (not planned!) I would say a bigger gap is better!

franktheskank · 12/03/2018 18:21

It all depends on the family and how close you are. Dh has 16 years between him and his triplet brothers and they are teenagers and he sis mid thirties now and they are all so close. There's 4 years between me and my brother and we are NC.

Teabagtits · 12/03/2018 18:23

There’s 23 years between me and my youngest brother. We get on brilliantly and always have done. The brother only 3 years younger than me I have no contact with at all as he’s far too important and busy 🙄

PeonyTruffle · 12/03/2018 18:28

12 Years between my youngest sister and I - my mum roped me in as a babysitter A LOT

Glumglowworm · 12/03/2018 18:32

Both my parents are the eldest in big families, so there’s a big gap between them and the youngest (although different because there’s other siblings in between).

Neither of them are especially close to any of their siblings as adults tbh, but they’ve both talked before about how they barely knew the youngest growing up because they were at such different stages in life. Weirdly, my dad and his youngest brother are very similar and even have lots of the same mannerisms, despite growing up almost entirely separately as my dad was at boarding school (forces family) and then at uni.

But me and my sister are 2 years apart and were never close growing up and have been NC most of our adult lives, so age gaps are never a guarantee of anything.

Accountant222 · 12/03/2018 18:46

There's 11 years between me and my brother, we couldn't be closer

Popsicle434544 · 12/03/2018 18:50

16 years between my 2 dd's, they have an amazing relationship

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2018 19:02

There's a 10 year age gap between my eldest and youngest sibling. We all really get along. Granted we don't speak every single day and some are closer to others than others but that's just life.

You could have an 9-month age gap and end up with two warring children. It's all circumstantial. The only reason an age gap should come into it is if you feel able to go through the baby/toddler/primary ages again. Not about their relationship because that is something you won't be able to control.

Pinkvoid · 12/03/2018 19:04

There’s only six years between my DB and I but that was enough to drive a wedge between us. I left home when he was still a child and we’ve just never been close. He was watching power rangers while I was in the throes of puberty, I just never found common ground with him.

Having said that, a friend of mine has a twenty year age gap with her brother and they get along supremely well.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 12/03/2018 19:07

There's 10 years between me and my younger sister, we have always been very close.

My DH has been married before and had two sons, they are 12 and 18 years older than DS respectively and he is close to the one closest in age to him, but neither DS nor DSS2 are in contact with DSS1.

Zoflorabore · 12/03/2018 19:09

Waves to sil further up the thread! ( I think )

I have an autistic ds who's now 15. Dd is 7.

The hardest part for me is finding things to do that they both enjoy.

They are getting on better now that dd is older.

girlwithadragontattoo · 12/03/2018 19:19

There's 9.5 and 13 years between me and my younger brothers and i love it! i loved it even more when i got older and started working and could take them out places like the cinema or even just to have some lunch somewhere

MycatsaPirate · 12/03/2018 19:25

There's a 7 year gap between my two girls. Honestly, it's been really good. DD1 got all my attention for 7 years and by the time DD2 came along she was starting to want to play with friends and do more things out of the house - activities/clubs etc. Which meant DD2 also got loads of attention when she was small.

They are now nearly 20 and nearly 13. Oldest is away at university but she phones home to speak to us all and when she comes home she takes DD2 out to the cinema or out shopping or whatever to just have some time on their own.

I think it's worked out really well for us. There has been no squabbling over toys or friends or anything like that - just the normal sister bickering but that's pretty normal.

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