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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to wish the preschool would approach smelly parent

70 replies

FloatyFlo · 12/03/2018 13:50

Prepared to be flamed.
Aware there are likely other issues going on with this parent. Aware that I sound like a superior bitch.

But there is a parent at my DS's preschool who absolutely stinks to high heaven. I don't mean a bit of bad breath or a waft if you're right next to her.. I mean overwhelping stench that fills the place and lingers after she's gone. Everybody knows it, everybody can smell it but how on earth can you approach something like this. I know the preschool and none of the parents would say anything to her but my God I wish they would. It would probably be very upsetting for her and I do feel sorry for her and but its massively unpleasant for everybody else.

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/03/2018 14:26

I don't agree with putting bloody notes in pockets, good God. It's not for mothers at the preschool who may never have spoken to this women to tell her something so sensitive. You have to build up a relationship with people first.

Iminthecclubnow · 12/03/2018 14:28

If it were me, I would want to know. Could you not approach her yourself and say kindly - "Your clothes have a funny smell to them", rather than say that "she" is smelly?

Honestly, this place sometimes! 😂

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 14:29

If the child is clean and the woman looks passably clean and tidy (ie not wearing clothes that are ripped and filthy, with hair like a rooks' nest) then the likelihood is that she has one of those medical conditions that make people stink. And she knows. There will be nothing she can do about it, for the present, and having some clammy-handed meddling twat pluck at her sleeve to 'have a word', all fake-concern and condescension, will just make her feel like shit to no purpose.

But if she is grubby to look at and her appearance strongly suggests that the pong is due to insufficient soap and water, it's still absolutely none of your business.

Iminthecclubnow · 12/03/2018 14:29

There is a mum at my kids school who smells terrible, like really bad BO. I wouldn't dream of saying anything, why would I say anything?!

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 12/03/2018 14:32

Leave a kindly wired, annonoymous note for her in the kids bag.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2018 14:34

Is the child clean and generally well presented? Is the woman also generally well presented despite the smell?

If so then it could be a medical condition. But as we are not privy to her medical notes then no-one can really say.

If you feel so strongly about it then I suggest you bring it up with her. I personally wouldn't as it's not my business but if you feel so strongly then you tell her. I hope, for your sake, it is well received.

LockedOutOfMN · 12/03/2018 14:37

If the child seems clean, fed, and happy, it's not anyone's business.

Snowysky20009 · 12/03/2018 14:37

May be a silly question, please dont flame me for this. But what type of smell is it? Urine? Body odour? Damp washing? That 'smell' that is very unpleasant but you can't say what it is?

easypeasylife · 12/03/2018 14:38

If everyone knows she smells and it is so bad that it lingers then it is highly probable that the mother knows. How is her general appearance? If she appears clean then it is likely that she has a medical condition. If the child is clean and well cared for then it really isn't an issue for anyone at the school.

sevenstars · 12/03/2018 14:38

The important thing is the child - is he /she clean enough and healthy OP?

Do they have a home with a shower, etc? If there is a class list with addresses on it, you could do a drive-by to assess the state of the premises? Could she be a hoarder, for instance, who has blocked the bathroom with bric-a-brac? Something is not right here, that's for sure.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/03/2018 14:40

Leave a note in a kids bag.
1 You shouldn't be opening people's bags. Kids or not. Imagine the women going home opening her child's bag with a note saying you stink. You don't know how a person may react to that. It could tip her over the edge.
2 The poor women could have a medical condition that causes her to smell. She might know she smells and may not be able to do anything about it. Like in said. You can't go around telling people you don't know that they stink. I'd struggle to tell that to my best friend.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/03/2018 14:40

a drive-by to assess the state of the premises

MN never fails to make me laugh Grin WTF.

dingdongdigeridoo · 12/03/2018 14:41

If it was a work colleague who I spent all day, every day with, then yes I'd speak out about the BO. But it's a few minutes twice a day. As long as the child is fed and clothed, there's no reason for anyone to intervene.

There are lots of reasons why she might have BO. Lack of awareness about hygiene and cleaning clothes, medical condition, depression. She might have chosen not to shower. I've certainly known people who don't like to shower often because of skin conditions or environmental reasons.

trippingoverrainbows · 12/03/2018 14:41

Nobody smells as bad as you make out and doesn't already know how badly they smell. It's most likely a medical condition, especially if the child is healthy and clean. It has nothing to do with the preschool either. Best advice would be to mind your own business as it isn't actually causing you any harm and I'll say a prayer for you that you don't develop an unfortunate medical condition in the future that means you receive unwanted hurtful attention from strangers.

RhodaBorrocks · 12/03/2018 14:43

What kind of smell are we talking about though?

Is it BO? That general unwashed body smell (have had managers that smell like that)? Musty clothes that have been in a wardrobe too long without a wash? Musty clothes that haven't been dried properly (had a colleague who stunk of that)? Foot odour? Works on a farm and has cone straight from the pigpen (friend's dad)? Has just cone from mucking out their horses (another friend's mum)? Has cone straight from the gym?

Honestly OP, I've encountered all of the above. You can't say a thing. As PPs have said, if the child themselves is clean and well presented there is no cause for concern and it's no one's business.

DalekDalekDalek · 12/03/2018 14:43

Sevenstars WTF? A drive-by to check for hoarding? Like a preschool would be giving out the addresses of the children they care for any way!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 12/03/2018 14:45

Where would she get to access to this women's address.

Not from the preschool I damn well hope.
Also finding out someones address to go and basically spy on them. Is there not word for that. Weirdo/ stalker take your pick.
Honestly I wonder if I live on another planet sometimes

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 12/03/2018 14:46

Jesus Christ! Notes in her pocket? Stalking her to her home and lurking outside to assess the probable utility of her bathroom?

I choose to think you are being humorous.

sevenstars · 12/03/2018 14:48

Dalek - I say this because there is a mum in my DS' class who is quite well- known in political circles, yet she is a hoarder. It's obvious when you approach the house because there are mattresses and pillows up agsinst all the front windows.

BastardGoDarkly · 12/03/2018 14:50

I think that's hopeful Tawdry

MrsJayy · 12/03/2018 14:55

I can't decide if the sneaky drive by to her house or kindly note in her pocket is the most ridiculous suggestion ever. You know some people smell be it lack of care or they don't care, you can't be telling random strangers they smell the only time the preschool would be involved if the child was dirty and smelly too.

frasier · 12/03/2018 14:57

When I was st school we had to do some sort of community service in our final year. I went to a “learning centre” on the high street and helped with the IT stuff. One of the students smelled. No one would use the computer next to her. I was called into the office one morning and was told that I was to have a word 😩. (Looking back the staff were atrocious, picking a 6th former who was temporary and supposed to be teaching IT to do it).

I had no idea how to go about it and was sick with worry. Eventually I simply said matter of factly to her that she might want to wash her clothes as it was hot in the computer room and they smelled a bit. I thought saying it was clothes was slightly more tactful than saying it was her.

I have no idea whether my “word” worked because I was only there for a short time and she didn’t have another class before I left.

It was one of the most stressful things though, it’s hard to tell someone something so personal. I don’t even know if I had a right to do it but didn’t think of that at the time as I was 17.

Has this person always been this way OP? They may be ill or depressed.

Aprilmightmemynewname · 12/03/2018 14:58

Sarah - is pretending you want to be her friend just so you can tell her that she fucking smells any better than a note???
Pretend to be an Avon lady and give her some freebies??

mommy2ash · 12/03/2018 14:58

The preschool staff are employed to care for the children and their needs. They would only discuss hygiene with a parent if the child was coming to school unclean. I don't know what you expect them to do about this.

RedRedDogsBeg · 12/03/2018 15:00

op you are right....she needs someone to have a conversation with her

a few years down the line she's possibly going to be faced with a mortified dc when other kids pick up on it too

speak to her.......i've had to do it with a colleague before. its not nice but its necessary.

those saying leave it alone and ignore as its just "ten minutes of your day"......the poor woman may well appreciate being told, i doubt she will just carry on regardless!!