To wonder if having it all in a relationship is ever possible?

[everythingistransient]

I've been married to DH for a few years, no DC yet. Prior to meeting him I'd been in a few serious relationships which were really intense and passionate, but with people who were emotionally unavailable and a bit flaky. When I met DH it was like a breath of fresh air: he was open about his feelings from the get-go and always made me feel safe and secure. We've built a great life together, have a lot of fun and get along really well with conflicts few and far between. The majority of the time our life ticks over with work and family and friends and I'm content with where we're at.

However, very occasionally I get a little niggle telling me that something is missing, a kind of 'is this it?' feeling. I feel terrible as I really cannot fault DH in any way - he's affectionate, thoughtful and we have great conversations. I know he will make a terrific father too and my family and friends love him. No relationship is perfect though, and if I had to find fault with ours, it would be that I think we lack a bit of passion. There is a lot of love and trust and respect, but even at the beginning of our relationship I was attracted to him but never felt the urge to rip his clothes off or anything like that. I still am attracted to him and we're physically very affectionate with each other, but I don't necessarily feel a strong level of passion or intensity in our interactions.

So I guess my question is, is it really possible to 'have it all' in a relationship or is that unreasonable? I've had partners previously who I couldn't keep my hands off and who I felt really strongly connected to but who weren't anywhere near as kind and caring as my DH and who ultimately made me miserable. When I look at other people's relationships, I often wonder whether they feel they have it all and have started to conclude that it's very rare - a few of my friends have admitted they married 'the nice guy' and have a great life for the most part, but occasionally feel something is missing. Do you think it's perfectly possible to meet someone who you work really well with on all levels? Is it unreasonable to expect passion and intense desire to sit alongside a very stable, happy and caring relationship or is that a pipe dream for most people?

I very much doubt it: life's one big compromise

@stevie69 That's what I tend to think too. I'm sure there are people who feel they have it all, but perhaps that's more sheer luck than anything else and I'm sure there are many more people who feel they don't

I think you do have it all to be honest, you have way more than a lot of people. You pretty much describe my relationship with DH now (passion isn't as much since kids to be fair) and I'd say we are very happy.

No need for you to stay if you think you would be happier elsewhere, but you would be giving up a heck of a lot.

No it's not possible to 'have it all' in any area of life. There is always compromising to be done. Absolutely nobody has it perfect.

That said, I do think that feeling wistful, wondering 'is this it?', and whether the grass might be greener on the other side, is entirely normal. There's nothing wrong with questioning your situation from time to time, and giving some thought as to whether it is still working for you. To me, your relationship sounds strong and healthy, but only you can answer the questions about whether it is 'good enough 'for you'

@MirriVan, I'm very grateful for the marriage I have for that exact reason. I have never considered leaving my DH and I can't see myself ever doing so - the grass isn't always greener. But I'm interested to know if some people have stumbled on the Holy Grail or if many are in the same boat as me, happy but occasionally aware that they don't have it all as such.

IME the precise reason you feel more "strongly" about those tempestuous and intense relationships is because they never shake down into a proper stable relationship.

The "one that got away" for me, to be trite, was someone I was with when I was 19. I was utterly nuts about him. I still think about him often and wonder what he's doing. But in reality I would have had a fucking miserable existence with him because he was so hot and cold. If I'd married and had DC with him eventually I'd probably have ended up hating him. You can't live that way forever.

My DH sounds very similar to yours although at the beginning I definitely had all the butterflies and can't-keep-my-hands-off-him. We have a young son now which I think has taken away a lot of the spontaneity and lust but I'm hopeful we'll get some of it back as he gets a little older.

It's an interesting proposition. I don't think anyone can 'have it all' in any area of life, therefore that includes relationships. There is a trade off. Your DH sounds wonderful and I don't blame women who in the end 'settled'.
But I think a lot of these sorts of feelings also stem from the thoughts we have about the roads we didn't take and/or the choices we made along the way.

I think I have the holy grail. I still think my DH is about the most handsome man I've ever seen, I still fancy him like mad and want him all the time, and he is the most astonishingly kind, decent, funny, clever, thoughtful person I know.

(Sorry, I know I am a massive smug bitch but I just really know and appreciate how lucky I am)

I agree that a lot of it can be attributed to a sense of wonder at what other paths our life could've taken and what life may have been like. But of course you can't know that and it's easy to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses, when in reality those people would probably have driven us bonkers!
But at the same time, some people do reach a point in their life where they feel they'd 'settled' and it scares me to think of that - my former manager told me that if she could do things over again, she wouldn't have chosen her DH because as much as she loves him and the life they've built, she does feel she denied herself the passionate connection she was seeking.
Though by the sounds of it no one is putting up their hand to say they 'have it all', so that makes me feel a lot better!

@Fugitivefrombrusstice that's amazing, do you think it was just sheer luck? I adore my DH and think he's a wonderful person but I don't think I could describe it quite in those terms.

I think part of the reason marriages used to last a lot longer is because these things weren’t really an issue. People didn’t even consider what else was out there or feel they were missing out on anything. They had found the person for them, gotten married and that was that. Also probably the fact people didn’t often travel outside of their home towns so they didn’t have much of a variety to choose from .

I also think films have a lot to answer for. They’re forever depicting ‘perfect’ unrealistic relationships that many seem to aspire to find. There’s always this pressure to find ‘the one’ and your ‘soulmate’ as a result. I just think if we all stopped second guessing ourselves and let life happen, we wouldn’t have these sort of niggling doubts.

@Pinkvoid there's definitely something to be said for this, however I wonder if people in the past also accepted subpar relationships because they feared the stigma attached to leaving? I have one friend who is living what I consider to be a bit of a sad life in that she admits to not really liking her husband at all (he barely helps with the kids and is emotionally unavailable) but doesn't believe it can get any better elsewhere as she's seen pretty poor relationships around her. However on the other end of the spectrum are people who are never satisfied with what they have, and I worry I'm prone to this. But where does the benchmark really sit? That's what I'm trying to guage.

This is why don't generally believe in monogamy. I don't mean cheating - but polyamory is becoming more popular. Obviously it's not for everyone, and it all has to be discussed and agreed, but I can see why people choose it. I'd be polyamourous but my partner said no so I don't do it.

I felt really strongly connected to but who weren't anywhere near as kind and caring as my DH and who ultimately made me miserable

hhhmm what do you mean by "connected to" here though? I mean how can you feel more connected to someone who isn't kind and caring towards you and makes you miserable?

as for my own experiences I don't think I could find someone who makes me more happy than my DH. Obviously our relationship goes through stages, some better than others but I wouldn't trade him for all the world

I suppose the benchmark is based on your own personal experiences and life history.

I'm speaking hypothetically here so call me out on it if you think its bullshit but if someone grew up in a very insecure tumultuous home then the person they might choose as their 'life partner' would be quite solid, predictable, in other words regarded boring, by some. On the flip side they could pursue those sorts of relationships which are hot and cold; on an off and generally all over the place seeking that intense deep passion.

I think we are shaped by our experiences. I don't want to derail the thread but did you watch married at first sight? One of the women started out as strong, confident and funny, her H withheld affection and treated her as a housemate of sorts - she subsequently became teary, needy and unstable. They decided to stay married but it goes to show that experiences shape us. Even in that short period of time, she became a different person.

@Trinity66 I meant a more instant and recognisable spark/chemistry, whatever you want to call it. It doesn't mean the person is good for you or makes you happy though, which is where it's different with DH - he is very good for me and makes me happy, but I didn't feel that same level of chemistry with him when we first met and I still don't, as much as I love and respect him.

I'm going through similar thoughts myself right now. I have a kind and supportive dp. He has faults as do I but I have always felt safe and secure with him. He is my family and I would never question his love or his loyalty. We have a child together and I think we are a great parenting team. But there is no passion in our relationship. No romance. We haven't had a physical relationship for some time. I know life isn't like it is on TV but I feel like there is something missing. I'd love to feel that spark.

I feel the same way as everythingistransient- my other half is my best friend and the greatest, most generous and wonderful person I know, and I find him physically irresistible. I never believed in the 'movie romance' until I met him. I had boyfriends before and felt something was missing- within a month of us getting together I suddenly felt like I understood what all the songs and movies were about. I just had a 'THIS is what it was meant to be like' realization. Sometimes when we are together I get the most overwhelming surge of joy inside me. I also don't want to sound smug, I know how lucky I am and I really, really appreciate it. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world every day.

To answer your response to her- yes, it was totally luck. I have never met anyone before or since who has that perfect balance of everything I have ever needed. If I hadn't met him I would still be wondering if it was possible to find it all. I am grateful every single day that I found him and I wish it on everyone I meet!

aaah I meant I feel the same way as @Fugitivefrombrusstice sorry mistyped!

I'm speaking hypothetically here so call me out on it if you think its bullshit but if someone grew up in a very insecure tumultuous home then the person they might choose as their 'life partner' would be quite solid, predictable, in other words regarded boring, by some.

This wasn't addressed to me but that is what I did I think. I had an unstable childhood and ended up with someone I feel so secure and safe with. I was quite young when we first got together. Looking back I think it was stability that drew me to him, it wasn't a conscious decision but I think that's what it was, because there never was that chemistry that I've heard about.

I think I have the holy grail. I still think my DH is about the most handsome man I've ever seen, I still fancy him like mad and want him all the time, and he is the most astonishingly kind, decent, funny, clever, thoughtful person I know.

I've found this; too. I'm very grateful that I didn't settle for anything less - but I also don't know if I believe that there's one perfect person for everyone. I think DP is perfect for me in every way that I need him to be, if not every way.

@Hahanotfunnymylifeisamess that's sad to hear :( has it always been that way? I wouldn't say I have no passion in my relationship and we do have a physical relationship but it worries me to think things could head potentially get to that stage, though that's also true of relationships which start out really passionately - it may not always be sustainable.

everythingistransient You mean how attracted you were to him? I don't know then it does kind of sound like you've settled if you think stuff like that about you DH.

VladmirsPoutine agreed, it's all so darn subjective! What one person is ok with would be a slow death of the soul for another. But what I'm afraid of is not appreciating all the great things that I have enough, or the flip-side of it - regretting my choices and wishing I'd held out for that 'perfect fit', if such a thing exists. It's tricky! I don't have any kind of childhood trauma fortunately, but I definitely had been burnt out from previous relationships and was seeking stability and kindness in a partner, and that's exactly what I got.