To wonder if having it all in a relationship is ever possible?

[everythingistransient]

I've been married to DH for a few years, no DC yet. Prior to meeting him I'd been in a few serious relationships which were really intense and passionate, but with people who were emotionally unavailable and a bit flaky. When I met DH it was like a breath of fresh air: he was open about his feelings from the get-go and always made me feel safe and secure. We've built a great life together, have a lot of fun and get along really well with conflicts few and far between. The majority of the time our life ticks over with work and family and friends and I'm content with where we're at.

However, very occasionally I get a little niggle telling me that something is missing, a kind of 'is this it?' feeling. I feel terrible as I really cannot fault DH in any way - he's affectionate, thoughtful and we have great conversations. I know he will make a terrific father too and my family and friends love him. No relationship is perfect though, and if I had to find fault with ours, it would be that I think we lack a bit of passion. There is a lot of love and trust and respect, but even at the beginning of our relationship I was attracted to him but never felt the urge to rip his clothes off or anything like that. I still am attracted to him and we're physically very affectionate with each other, but I don't necessarily feel a strong level of passion or intensity in our interactions.

So I guess my question is, is it really possible to 'have it all' in a relationship or is that unreasonable? I've had partners previously who I couldn't keep my hands off and who I felt really strongly connected to but who weren't anywhere near as kind and caring as my DH and who ultimately made me miserable. When I look at other people's relationships, I often wonder whether they feel they have it all and have started to conclude that it's very rare - a few of my friends have admitted they married 'the nice guy' and have a great life for the most part, but occasionally feel something is missing. Do you think it's perfectly possible to meet someone who you work really well with on all levels? Is it unreasonable to expect passion and intense desire to sit alongside a very stable, happy and caring relationship or is that a pipe dream for most people?

@Trinity66 I am attracted to him, but not in a butterflies, weak in the knees kind of way. I don't feel like I've settled, it's more of an occasional niggle.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with 'settling', as it were.

There are certain things people seek out in life consciously or otherwise.
I have a friend that jumps from one passionate unstable relationship to another - she loves the highs. And when you love the highs, you have to take the lows. The lows are incredibly torturous. Don't deal if you can't play the game. The game doesn't owe you and you don't make the rules.

I also think it's circumstantial - in my 20s I wouldn't consider settling for love nor money. But if I were reaching my 40s and knew I wanted a stable family, a stable and solvent man and needed to get cracking with children then I would absolutely settle. In fact it need not be as serious as that; if I'd been burnt out by previous intense relationships then perhaps I would actively seek out one which is calm and harmonious. No need for the sparks and shooting stars.

I honestly don't know.

I’ve had two relationships and felt that total physical attraction which would be lovely to be married and feel that way. Both men were terrible for me emotionally. I’ve been married 32 years and we get along wonderfully. Just don’t get those butterflies. At least I can say I’ve felt it. I think of it as the only thing missing. Lucky you that have it all.

OP so guarantee you that if you did leave your OH for someone for whom you felt more passion and desire, you would eventually reach the same point again. Passion is not sustainable long term, if you are lucky it turns into something deeper and quieter. White water rafting can be exciting but still deep waters are less exhausting!

90% of the time I think I have it all with my partner. 10% of the time I want to murder the sod. I think just just how love works though x

I don't have it all - but I have enough.

We have been together for 35 years now, things mellow over time and through health problems,

but I still have enough

Theres a LOT of compromise in my relationship. He winds me up, i drive him mad.. but deep down we absolutely adore one another. Theres things i loved in previous relationships that I dont get from my DP and im sure its the same vice versa.. but in the grand scheme is anyone 100% perfect for one another? We adore eachother, have dreams and plans that include one another and i think thats enough

Hahanotfunnymylifeisamess that's sad to hear sad has it always been that way? I wouldn't say I have no passion in my relationship and we do have a physical relationship but it worries me to think things could head potentially get to that stage, though that's also true of relationships which start out really passionately - it may not always be sustainable.

We used to have a sex life, not the most passionate, but I enjoyed what we had. Long work hours and then having a baby kind of killed it off. I wouldn't say we were ever passionate but we were more intimate than now to begin with. I genuinely don't think it's in his nature to be passionate in that way. I know he's attracted to me even now and I know he wants us to have a physical relationship again, but for me, I think after years of wanting more intimacy and not getting it, my feelings towards him in that way have sort of gone. We are talking about separating actually. We both love each other but know that things can't go on this way, it's not fair on either of us the way things are right now.

I think there is a misconception of a happily ever that should happen after you meet someone just like all the fairytales we grew up watching and listening to stories being read to us. FYI life doesn't work that way. When a guy and woman meet they usually live on cloud nine but that doesn't last. Grown up relationships aren't about wanting to constantly rip each others clothes off all the time. It's about respecting, supporting and loving one another. If you found someone to love you and treat you right then you've done good. Throughout everyday I feel content and happy with my husband and my two little boys (3 & 1 years old) I've had my fair share of crappy even abusive relationships at times so I know I'm so lucky and fortunate to have met the guy for me. I would love to add one more child to our lives after a MMC mid- January. Life isn't perfect nor is it always exciting and follow some happily ever after notion. Reality is that nothing will ever meet all your expectations because you're expectations are probably unrealistic.

Happily ever after is a great aspiration and something to work towards - I just don't think you need to have it all the time or all at once....

I feel like @Cathena and @Fugitivefrombrusstice. I was a total realist before I met DH - relationships were about compromise and making it work and choosing each other etc but meeting DH turned all that on its head as it was like something inside me clicked satisfyingly into place the moment I met him and I just knew he was the one for me (as did he, thankfully). He made everything about my life make sense. Whether he's the most attractive / funniest / most generous / etc etc person I've ever been with would be totally irrelevant to even think about (although he is!) because he's just RIGHT, in every single way that something can be right, and being with him is far and away the greatest joy and gift of my life. I feel so thankful every day and really feel that I have it all. Sorry to be gross!

And yes it was 100% luck (or fate if you believe in that - I do now!) - a massive series of coincidences and small moments led to us meeting.

I married the 'nice guy' (actually he was a bit of an arse, but that was a very very gradual slope and related to some MH difficulties) - no passion really past the early stages, but a really solid friendship and affection, as well as love. We're over now and I can honestly say I'll never marry again because if it didn't work with him it just won't work with anyone.

Now have a new(ish) DP and suddenly I understand why lovers in films rip each others clothes off. Fnnngggh. I think he's gorgeous, and sexy, and even though we're a couple of years together now we still have evenings where some lazy TV slobbing ends with the sofa progressively jerking along the floor until it knocks the lamp over I've never had a relationship like it. But fuck do we argue sometimes, and he can be seriously vile in a fight whereas I'm obviously perfect I never fought with DH, in 15 years we had occasional cross words perhaps once or twice a year, and so easily resolved. Maybe the arguing is part of the passion? I don't know.

I've wondered the same as you op. I'd like the clothes tearing and intensity I have now but coupled with the reassurance and safety I felt with DH. Perhaps that's an impossible mix.

@Dljlr that's so interesting - I too wonder whether it's possible to have that crazy passion without the instability. I've certainly never had the two coexist but it seems some people have, lucky them! For me now it's more about maximising what I have and becoming as content as I can be. I know I am lucky too in so many ways, my DH is one in a million even if we aren't exactly knocking furniture over every night haha! Enjoy it, it sounds like fun!

I think I did just get lucky (to answer an earlier question). I had other boyfriends before him who were really nice and who I might have married if I had met them at the right time - but I would never have known what I was missing if I had. I just got lucky that at the right time and in the right place I met the man I did. In a way (this bit is about to be really gross SORRY) he's made me feel 100% at peace with my life to date because even though like everyone I made mistakes and did things the wrong way and took paths I didn't expect, if I hadn't lived the exact life I did I might not have met him and the thought is unbearable.

If I ever write a bonk buster romantic memoir about this relationship I shall call it Passion and Instability. Great name.

Funny we've had the same experiences but the opposite way around. I wonder if that influences our feelings about it. I think you're fortunate, definitely, but then I do sometimes wonder that if DH and I had had passion we'd at least have had something by the end. Intimacy was so easily lost when everything else was going wrong and it was very hard to try and then to even want to try to recapture it. But then our situation was unique to us, and for a long time before that it was simply a lovely, comfortable (and I don't equate that with dull) relationship to be in. And I think everyone has occasional niggles, anyway, even if they are fortunate enough to have it all!