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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ds wants to cut contact

31 replies

Rufusbear · 12/03/2018 13:29

Ds is 15 and has not seen his father for at least five years. Our relationship wasn't great and ds remembers his Dad breaking things in the house in temper before we left even though he was only three at the time.

Ds Dad doesn't pay maintenance and now doesn't know where we live but when he did he didn't send cards, presents and what not.

We are now aware that ds Dad is being violent to his new partner.

We set up free calls and Skype but he doesn't call.
We set up free email but he doesn't email.
He doesn't occasionally use Facebook but messages are usually at least eight months apart and include nothing usually about the dc. When it does it usually goes along the lines of wanting ds photos to show his mates.
Ds now wants to block contact with Dad but I don't know what to do.

Blocking will no doubt cause an absolute meltdown.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rufusbear · 12/03/2018 13:29

Just to add ds doesn't see his Dad because his Dad has decided he can't cope with it.

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 12/03/2018 13:30

Surely you do nothing, there is not contact now, so you just stop trying to initiate it.

Isadora2007 · 12/03/2018 13:31

I don’t really understand how blocking contact will have any effect if your ex doesn’t have or make contact anyway?
Just let it die out and make no efforts and surely no big statement is even necessary?

InsomniacAnonymous · 12/03/2018 13:32

There's barely any contact to cut! As a PP said, just do nothing.

Original poster
Rufusbear · 12/03/2018 13:35

Sorry I haven't been clear, what little contact message wise ds Dad does have is sent to ds social media. Ds Dad expects immediate response and will multi message if ds doesn't respond right away getting more irate.
Ds finds this stressful and has to check a social media account regularly to make sure if Dad has messaged or now.
Even when he has messaged ds doesn't really have anything to say to him. He's not seen him in years.

OP posts:
NameChangeCuddleBums · 12/03/2018 13:37

Just support your son in blocking his F on social media if that is what he wants

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 12/03/2018 13:41

Your DS owes his father nothing. The key for me would be what is the least stressful way to manage the situation for your DS. Would blocking his father and riding out the possible tantrum that follows be best? Or would it be better if he moves his social media on to a new account and agrees he will check once a week for a message on the old one?

Isadora2007 · 12/03/2018 13:43

If he blocked him, what do you expect the outcome to be? And could it be managed by you on behalf of your son?
He is doing nothing wrong by wanting that break away from his father- but remind him he doesn’t have to make a lifetime decision right now either as he may feel differently as an older teen or an adult and that’s fine too.

OldBlueStitches · 12/03/2018 13:53

Support him in all ways possible to block him. Having to frequently check social media on the off chance his so-called father has been in touch is horrible. Poor boy. His dad is a dick when he's not being in touch AND when he's in touch, because BOTH are controlling. Block and let him know he has your full support. The bastard is abusive from afar and your DS is making a brave and healthy decision. No doubt he's been thinking of it for a while too, it's not a spur of the moment thing and he is aware that his 'D'F isn't going to be super happy.

You've done a good job raising him if he can see his father's behaviour isn't healthy and he's doing something to put in boundaries. We'd say that's good from a daughter but it's no less good from a son.

LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 13:53

15 is old enough imo to make his own decision about contact with his father.

My biological father is evil and at 37 I still resent my Mom for making me maintain some kind of relationship with him when I was a teenager.

BarbarianMum · 12/03/2018 13:55

Support your ds. I don't think your ex understands how the parent-child relationship is meant to work. Let him be furious. As your ds is 15 and the git doesn't see him or pay maintenance he has nothing to control him or you with.

Zaphodsotherhead · 12/03/2018 13:57

If he only contacts via Social Media and doesn't even know where you live, if you block him, how will you even know if he has a meltdown?

Just vanish him from both your SM pages - job done, surely?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2018 14:09

What @Zaphodsotherhead said

GnotherGnu · 12/03/2018 14:09

If he does have a meltdown, say you will be happy to respond when he puts forward his proposals for maintenance.

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 14:10

at 15 it should be his choice and by the sounds of it it sounds like a good choice too

BarbarianMum · 12/03/2018 14:11

No don't. Don't make your ds have contact with this creep for financial gain.

GoSuckAFart · 12/03/2018 14:12

Let your DS cut contact. at 16 i cut contact with both my enabler mother and violent stepfather. Cutting contact meant Iw as in control not them.

your DS will have the same. Let him have that.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/03/2018 14:12

Support your ds in blocking his dad, his dad's behaviour is his his dad's responsibility, not ds! There is no relationship there anyway, so he is cutting the last thread off.

Hissy · 12/03/2018 14:12

Get DS to block him and set up new FB/Social accounts.

Support him in this and if your Ex even so much as raises an eyebrow, get all the agencies you can thrown at him.

RedPanda2 · 12/03/2018 14:13

Block. He might just need a break from him. Although he is not seeing him, having to check messages etc makes sure he is always thinking about him. Not sure it's a good idea to have a domestic abuser in his life.

Sarsparella · 12/03/2018 14:15

If he has a meltdown about it how would you even know? Block him on social media & make DS aware to be cautious if adding anyone new he doesn’t know unless it’s his dad with a new account

Set any emails you have for him to go direct to junk/delete or just set up yourselves a brand new email account

You owe this man nothing & your DS sounds like a sensible lad, support him :)

ReanimatedSGB · 12/03/2018 14:20

Just block the fucker. There is nothing he can do about it legally as your DS is old enough to refuse all contact/

Alwayslumpyporridge · 12/03/2018 14:28

Block him, for your DS its a "F you" gesture, let him make that gesture.

Shockers · 12/03/2018 14:35

Does he know where you live?

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2018 14:42

Crikey, it’s about time, isn’t it? Your ds deserves to initiate an eff off.

What would the melt down from his father entail?