Ds wants to cut contact

[Rufusbear]

Ds is 15 and has not seen his father for at least five years. Our relationship wasn't great and ds remembers his Dad breaking things in the house in temper before we left even though he was only three at the time.

Ds Dad doesn't pay maintenance and now doesn't know where we live but when he did he didn't send cards, presents and what not.

We are now aware that ds Dad is being violent to his new partner.

We set up free calls and Skype but he doesn't call.
We set up free email but he doesn't email.
He doesn't occasionally use Facebook but messages are usually at least eight months apart and include nothing usually about the dc. When it does it usually goes along the lines of wanting ds photos to show his mates.
Ds now wants to block contact with Dad but I don't know what to do.

Blocking will no doubt cause an absolute meltdown.

As someone who had a similar relationship with my own dad (more active but similar emotional qualities, feelings of hypervigilance etc) I agree that your ds has the right idea and it would be healthy to disengage from this kind of behaviour. It doesn't really need to be a Big Moment, why not just quietly pull the plug? Or does ds want to explain to his dad why he wants no more contact?

Are there safety considerations or is it just that his dad might use any contact details to throw a wobbly? I think it would be good to plan around the feelings and events that might arise around his dad's potential reaction without making everyone's fear of that reaction the main event if that makes sense. So you could think about what he might do and put into place some safeguards (maybe proactively block his number on phones, let any relevant friends and relatives know you're keeping your details confidential etc). Is there someone he can talk to about it all?

When I went nc I did have nightmares for a while, but they actually helped me work out my feelings and showed progression (they became less scary and my actions in my dreams became more confident and self-protective).

shockers it says in the OP that he doesn't know where they live.

I would not let your ds block him and take the fall out, I would tell ds father directly that you have both considered this social media arrangement at length and it just is not working out for your ds in any shape or form.

What he needs is a proper present father and he has never been that.

ds can then block and move on. It is his choice and there is nothing his father can do to force him.

Personally I would make it clear you will call the police immediately if he has a meltdown anywhere near you or your son. He can not threaten and bully his way into your son's life.

Your ds has made the decision you can support him but doing this with him.

by

I'd say support your DS. He's 15, old enough to decide and he should not be subject to what is effectively emotional blackmail by his father.

Be ready to seek help if the meltdown should turn threatening though.

Apologies elisen, I honestly didn’t intend to drive anyone to the use of sarcastic italics with my oversight.