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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This woman's opinions on my baby piss me off

59 replies

GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 19:23

I have a 40 year odd old cousin who I see about every month when I visit her parents. She has no kids. When I take my 4 month old she asks in an accusing tone what classes he is doing and informs me I must be doing this that and the other with him. She was horrified I haven't arranged a holiday abroad with him yet or arranged for my mother to look after him when I go back to work! He's 4 fucking months old. No wonder some women get PND

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 11/03/2018 20:58

Smile/laugh indulgently and say "Oh, you can tell you don't have kids....Only someone who's never had kids would say that." Then change the subject!

upsideup · 11/03/2018 21:03

I always find it odd how its only the family and friends who dont have children who think they are somehow so good at it and feel the need to tell me how to raise mine.

OutComeTheWolves · 11/03/2018 21:16

Dh's sister (who is an otherwise lovely person) does this. I cut her slack because I'm aware that she's been trying for a baby for the best part of a decade and also because I am quite a sloppy parent!

I just think that she's spent a lot of time thinking about the things she'd do given half a chance and it must be frustrating at times to see people (ie me!) maybe not making the most of their time with their kids.

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 21:21

I don't know why it bother me. We went through hell to get our child not that she knows that and I know I'm a good mum

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/03/2018 21:29

Smile in an absent sort of way - say, 'Oh, yes?' vaguely - and ignore. There's always one like this.
I had a friend - still childless then - who knew exactly how I should be raising my toddler, and told me so just about every time I saw her. She knew exactly how to ensure perfect behaviour at all times.

I will admit to an overdose of fiendish glee, not to mention Schadenfreude, when her first turned out to be an utter little sod of a toddler, over whom she had no control whatsoever.

LetsGoBitches · 11/03/2018 21:38

You could say, “oh yes, I’ve read that book too” and turn away.

I can see her side of the situation. I presume she can’t have kids and is probably very triggered when you’re there with your lovely baby, but she has to learn how to deal with that.
It’s not up to you to sort that out for her.

You sound like a lovely mum, and I’d just try and ignore her with a nod and a smile.
There’s no need to be cruel and remind her she hasn’t got any kids at 40. She knows that, all to well I suspect.

Smile and nod and don’t engage.
Just concentrate on your own blessings, and congratulations on your first mother’s day!

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 21:45

I wouldn't be cruel that's awful but she's irritating. She says in a loud voice aren't your mum and dad lucky to have you?!? Over and over to DS

OP posts:
kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 21:51

That isn't why women get pnd.

Shes 40 and living with her parents and has no social graces? Sounds like she might have issues.
You could just not see her?

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 22:01

Kerry feeling attacked contributes to pnd I know as I've been there.

OP posts:
Thehogfather · 11/03/2018 22:17

I'd do as sdt suggested and offer unsolicited advice on an area of her life you know little about.

Or what I did with the person who did this to me was engage in rather deep debate about why I was correct and she wasn't. On a few occasions she even emailed me documents and links to back up her questionable advice. She soon learnt to shut up as soon as I started to respond with 'recent research indicates'

I also had the misfortune to attend a group with a self proclaimed expert on child development. Initially annoying but did provide endless amusement as she lectured us on parenting whilst her own dc provided a real time example that her methods were shite.

Ellendegeneres · 11/03/2018 22:26

My mums like this only I get ‘I’ve had x amount of kids so I know what I’m talking about’ or ‘I went on nethuns and they advise x for something vaguely similar to what you’re talking about so it must be right.’
I let her say it and reply ‘yeah, but they’re not me, they’re not my kids and I know best for my family, but if I want advice, I’ll be sure to speak to the professionals...’
It gets tedious. But it’s probably her way of having a conversation and trying to sound like she knows something when she doesn’t.
My ds is 5, never been abroad. Must be neglect get!

kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 22:32

don;t be silly

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 22:48

Kerry don't tell me what contributed or didn't contribute to the pnd I had. I'm definitely not silly either

OP posts:
kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 22:49

you could say that about anything that could make anyone feel bad. But to say that is why women in general get pnd is very silly.

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 11/03/2018 23:00

Thank you for your input Kerry

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 12/03/2018 05:29

GoldenRetrieverSandy

"Her reasoning is she's got qualifications so knows exactly what to do with children! God help us all"

Even if she is a paediatric doctor or nurse, midwife, or child psychologist, that still wouldn't excuse her poor behaviour.

She does sound quite jealous, some people just can't be happy for others, my sister's like that.

Is it possible to see your Aunt and Uncle without the cousin around? Or does she just have a habit of turning up or inviting herself over?

Cupoteap · 12/03/2018 05:37

She tells him how lucky you are to have him - couldn't she be absolutely devastated that she hasn't got children? Just as she doesn't know your struggle maybe you don't know hers? Maybe she understands your pnd and is trying to encourage you? Could you be taking every innocent comment or enquiry the wrong way? She's showing interest and trying to have a conversation and you are reacting very strongly.

TheHulksPurplePants · 12/03/2018 05:41

Next time you see her tell her he's started taking English Lit at Oxford on Tuesdays, ballet on Wednesdays and on Thursday's you're still working on getting him to sit up on his own and stop dribbling everywhere, but his English Lit Prof thinks he's got the makings of a great poet.

pigeondujour · 12/03/2018 05:42

Yeah having seen OP's reaction to some of these posts I'd certainly keep that in mind as a possibility Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2018 06:10

She sounds like a busy body, jealous fruit loop. A 4 month old couldn’t care less about travel or attending groups.

How do you want to react? Smile and nod? Shut her down? “I was a far better parent before I had ds” then giggle. Ask her how she’d handle travelling with a baby? Change conversation?

Remember you’re visiting her parents, not her. She just happens to be there. Do you know why she’s still living with her parents? Is she not working?

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2018 06:21

Speak to her parents and ask them to get her to stop

Original poster
GoldenRetrieverSandy · 12/03/2018 10:50

Cupoftea she has a history of trouble making and causing rifts so I'd love to think she's being helpful but I can't see it. She's had numerous abortions that she tells us about alot so I'm not sure with regards to struggling to have kids.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 12/03/2018 10:55

In that case, you need to very bluntly tell her to eff off.

echt · 12/03/2018 11:00

I know I'm a good mum

So why are you pissed off about this person's opinions?

No wonder some women get PND

Your particular experience is not one to generalise from.

she has a history of trouble making and causing rifts so I'd love to think she's being helpful but I can't see it. She's had numerous abortions that she tells us about alot so I'm not sure with regards to struggling to have kids

Dripfeed.

tillytrotter1 · 12/03/2018 11:04

Just tell her that your son is fine and if you want her opinion you’ll ask her.

Or you'll ask someone with some experience of the subject.

I'm amazed on here by how often parents go to extremes to appease nosey people, why not say 'Mind you own business, only two opinions counts here and neither is yours'.