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Original poster

To be really struggling with hitting forty.

29 replies

Midge1978 · 10/03/2018 23:00

Genuine post. I'm 40 in a few months time and it's hitting me hard. I know it's just a number but it's a milestone that's making me realise a few things. I'm happily married with a wonderful child who says I'm the best mum in the world and I'm so grateful for that but when I look at myself as a person I feel disappointed.

I guess I just haven't had very much fun or adventure, I've gone from dead end job to dead end job and never succeeded in my dream of being a writer. I used to be told I'm pretty but now I look in the mirror and I look old and scruffy and overweight. Although I don't want another man, I find it hard to face the fact that no man would fancy me anyway. I have hardly any friends due to my chronic shyness so even if I wanted a 40th party I'd have no-one to invite. To top it off my sil is 40 this month and there's lots of pics of her on Facebook having celebration after celebration with her gazillions of friends and looking impossibly perfect.

I think back to my twenty year old self and feel I've let her down. Has anyone felt like this when hitting a milestone and did you manage to come to terms with it?

OP posts:
malificent7 · 10/03/2018 23:04

Im hitting 40 and im starting a university course to retrain this year. Could you retrain? You still have loads of life left to discover yourself .

GemmaB78 · 10/03/2018 23:04

I was 40 in January and frankly happy to see the back of my 30s. They were tumultuous to say the least. But at 40 I find myself in a very happy marriage with a child we adore, stable in our own home and in a job that I fell into by accident, but turns out I bloody love and am damned good at. Sure, I have grey hairs sprouting and I certainly don't look 30 any more but that's a small price to pay.

Can you find the positive spin? Happily married with a child is something a lot of people would give their soul for.

LardLizard · 10/03/2018 23:06

I think your too hard on yourself you have a. Happy marriage and a good relation ship with your child
You are doing well

I think there’s weird pressure in people these days to be oh so perfect
Amazing job amazing home amazing social life
Amazing family n friends
And really there’s only so many hours in a day so you have to prioritise
WHATs important to you
Which sounds like you have
I’d yAke tour sil photos on fb with a very large pinch of salt as these pics are often not what they seem

Your doing fab
You could try n lose a bit of weight if you think that would help
Xx

LardLizard · 10/03/2018 23:06

Oops sorry didn’t mean to put kisses on there !!

Sheasksmehowthecatsbeen · 10/03/2018 23:09

I could have written your post practically word for word. I really feel I've let myself down too, but I don't know how to change things. I'm a SAHM, career facilitator for DH and I just feel like I've pissed all my potential away. It's very unsettling, I feel really trapped.

Going back to work isn't an option at present because there's no one to do all the crap I get landed with/childcare/he's out early and back late. I can probably go back in a year or so, but then I'll be limited to roles that enable me to support the family as well. It sucks. Moan, moan, moan, eh?

I'm also really shy and would have had no one to invite! You aren't alone. Hugs.

opinionatedfreak · 10/03/2018 23:10

I sympathise I hated turning 30.

no suggestions about how to change your mindset.

If it is any consolation I loved turning 40 - I'm happy in my skin/ life.

stellenbosch · 10/03/2018 23:11

It's shit

And it FEELS old

Confused
Sheasksmehowthecatsbeen · 10/03/2018 23:13

I totally get that that thing of no one looking at you anymore too. I don't want another relationship, but I don't want to be bloody invisible either. Sad

Echobelly · 10/03/2018 23:14

My view is that hardly anyone achieves something remarkable, or an amazing career or lots more money than they grew up with or anything.

When I realised that, I have to say it was a really positive thing! I decided that if I could have a family and do an OK job bringing up kids (and I think I am) that was pretty awesome and I'd be happy with it and I am.

I find getting older quite exciting somehow... I turned 40 in November, I'm definitely getting the middle aged spread and some lines but I'm cool with it, I've made it this far. I'm not beautiful, I've never had the body of a goddess.

You don't have to have a big party - is there something achievable you've been meaning to do or place to go you could mark birthday with just with partner, family or a few friends instead?

tava63 · 10/03/2018 23:14

Your inner voice is a mean bully - tell it to Shut Up! Listen to your child - they really see you as who you are .... Let's face it our kids often see us at our worst .... And even so your wise child is telling you who you are. Your inner voice may be someone from your past ....if so guess what they are not with you and if I'm right you have proven them wrong, you have built strong relationships in your marriage and your child, with these foundations the only way is up - have a fantastic new decade and think about who you will be at 50.

cloudjumper · 10/03/2018 23:15

I changed career when I was 41 - it was scary as hell, but I'm so so glad I did! It's not too late for anything!

LanguidLobster · 10/03/2018 23:16

It sounds like you need a confidence boost. You could have a lovely meal with your lovely family for it, new make-up, facial, outfit etc?

With the writing can you put aside a set time each day to get creative again?

Just think: you're ONLY 40! (Though not quite yet)

MonochromeDog · 10/03/2018 23:18

Oh OP I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm 40 in 6 months and feel I've achieved absolutely nothing. Sad I too feel like I've let my 20 year old self down.

I left work nearly 17 years ago now for what was supposed to be a temporary hiatus but ended up being permanent. I need to now get back into work after being a carer for my autistic dd. I have no idea where I'm supposed to start and feel like such a failure. Sad

Doobigetta · 10/03/2018 23:19

I found turning 40 very depressing and did my best to pretend it wasn't happening. You get used to it, and you won't stay depressed for the rest of your life. No advice but Flowers

MinnieMinchkin · 10/03/2018 23:21

Forty is just another number, but you know that.

I'm 43 and have been "at a crossroads" professionally for the last few years. In reality, I've never known what I want to do. At 41 I left and job I hated and am now on the self-employment path doing something I hope I will love and be good at, but it's a struggle to build it.

I'm fortunate in that, like you, I'm happily married with a wonderful child. I also look back to my 20 year old self and feel bad for not having reached my potential (high achiever, academically-speaking). However, I envy you. You had a dream to be a writer. I never had - and still don't have - a definite dream or ambition. If you want to be a writer turning 40 is no barrier to that. Get writing. Good luck.

Want2beme · 10/03/2018 23:23

I was left by my very LTP, a couple of years ago, just before my 50th birthday. That was shit. I live on my own with 2 cats, no DC, have no friends close by, I work from home, and am 100s of miles away from my DM and family. The one person who I thought would support me through the breakup didn't, and I'm angry and disappointed with her. I can't imagine being in another relationship, as my looks have gone and nobody looks at me anymore anyway. Also, I don't go out anywhere to be able to meet anyone. I remember turning 40 and feeling full of hope. It sounds like you have a good life, so try to forget the age and enjoy what you've got. You're young and can do so many things.

Owletterocks · 10/03/2018 23:25

I am also 40 this year but on the whole I am happy with my lot. I think you are being too hard on yourself, most of us are Ms average and in my opinion it’s the right place to be. Amazing career often comes at a price and not one I am willing to pay. I am happy doing a job that’s ok, earning an ok amount of money and not stressing myself out too much. Try and focus on what you have rather than what you haven’t got.

Original poster
Midge1978 · 10/03/2018 23:27

Want2beme I'm so sorry, that sounds dreadful. I realise I'm fortunate in life, the disappointment is more with myself. I hope things get better for you soon xThanks

OP posts:
Want2beme · 10/03/2018 23:36

Thank you Midge, you're very kind. I hope you have a lovely birthday and start to feel good again and get writing!CakeWineFlowers

entropynow · 10/03/2018 23:42

I've had an entire new career since the age of 42 (am nearly 57 now)! Never too late. As for being noticed, purple hair does it nicely :-)

CaptainApollo · 10/03/2018 23:48

I turned 40 in November and in the last 6 months I have quit my boring secure job, gone back to college and I’ve got three uni places to choose from for September to retrain completely. My eldest kid is nearly 20 and I was feeling properly old but now I’m just excited for the future. Honestly do what you need to, you only get one shot at this Smile

whataterriblefuss · 10/03/2018 23:48

The only other option is NOT turning 40.

Which would you prefer?

Yes, life is not always what we expect it to be - it is disappointing, frustrating, sad and downright shit at times. But. You are alive. You have potential.

There are many, many people on wards all over the country, in their 30's, who would give ANYTHING to see 40.

Be thankful for what you have. It may not have been what you dreamed of when you were younger, but it is still a life and you have potential. Always, always potential.

You have nothing to be disappointed about. Have you been kind and good to people? Have you tried your best?

That is enough.

LanguidLobster · 10/03/2018 23:49

Want have you got Leroy? I sometimes get confused between different owners and cats on Litter.

Life can certainly be challenging at times

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 10/03/2018 23:55

It’s much better than the alternative! Aging is a privledge that sadly not everyone gets.

pigsDOfly · 11/03/2018 00:02

Sounds like you're putting the wrong spin on it.

Perhaps the twenty year old you would see you as someone who's made a successful relationship and brought up a daughter who clearly thinks you're amazing.

Your dream of being a writer hasn't been lost. A lot of famous, good writers had their first books published after they turned 40. You can still do it, just make the time to sit down and write.

You didn't have a job that fulfilled you? You really aren't too old to train for something you would enjoy.

You've got years ahead of you OP. Look forward and make the most of the present rather than looking back and saying 'if only'. Try to focus on the positives.

I'll be 70 at the end of this year. I'm still doing new things and meeting new people.

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