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Original poster

To tell friend her new partner is a cheat

45 replies

Tensecondrule · 10/03/2018 15:14

Another moral dilemma 🙈 a friend has been seeing a man for a few months, it seems to have got serious quite quickly and they’ve already booked a holiday together. She seems really happy with him (both been married before and have grown up kids). I was out with another friend (friend 2) last night (she doesn’t know friend 1) and we went into a bar where friend 1 was out with her partner and a group of friends. He walked past us to go to the bar and friend 2 made a comment about him being a shit (not knowing he was dating my other friend). When I asked what she meant she said he was in a relationship with a friend of hers up until a month ago, cheated on her with his ex, and her friend was really cut up and they’d now split. This means he was seeing my friend whilst in a relationship with her friend and simultaneously sleeping with an ex! I feel like I should tell my friend what I’ve found out (friend 2 is a reliable source and saw photos of her friend with this guy over xmas while he was also seeing friend 1). I don’t want to be the one to burst her bubble as she seems really happy but I feel she needs to be on her guard. WWYD?

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 10/03/2018 15:18

Difficult one.
Have a private one-to-one over coffee and tell her.
But beware the messenger often times gets shot (and it may affect your relationship with her.)

Lemongingertea80 · 10/03/2018 15:24

Make sure you have the facts straight but I would hope my friends would tell me the truth in this kind of situation. What's the point of having friends if they don't look out for each other!

pasturesgreen · 10/03/2018 15:25

I wouldn't do anything on the basis of second hand information - too much potential for heartache, and as beach said, you're unlikely to be thanked for breaking the news to her.

I'd keep an eye on things and see how they evolve. If he was two-timing her, it may be that your friend already has her suspicions.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/03/2018 15:26

Or her new partner may have a twin or a brother that looks like him. Friend 2 has only seen photos after all.

TheJoyOfSox · 10/03/2018 15:32

I’ve dated some real shits in the past, I doubt I would have taken any notice if somebody had warned me. (Not that anyone ever did)

Your friend is an adult, it’s for her to find out, just be there as a great friend for her —when— if it all goes tits up. Nobody likes to hear “I told you so” and your reliable friend may not be quite as reliable as you think.

Trinity66 · 10/03/2018 15:35

Tell her 100%

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/03/2018 15:44

He was out with your friend when friend 2 saw him?

CosmicSpider · 10/03/2018 16:40

Tell her. I wasn't told when my DH did this despite it being known to three other women I saw regularly. I don't talk to them because had they been the friends they said they were, they wouldn't have kept it from me. I know to some that seems harsh, but that is how I see it.

Kitchenbound · 10/03/2018 16:47

Yeah damned if you do damned if you don't. Sorry about that.
If you tell her then be aware that the messenger may get shot. Be prepared to lose a friend because it's a possibility. On the other hand if you say nothing and she finds out down the track that you knew and said nothing you could still lose a friend for keeping that secret. I lost a very dear friend when i neglected to tell him his fiance was sleeping around - he came back into my life after a year or so but he was devastated that i hadn't told him even though i had 3rd hand info. Go with your gut and do whatever you think is best.

Original poster
Tensecondrule · 10/03/2018 16:48

Allthebestnamesareused it wasn't a twin/lookalike, friend 2 also knew his name (from being in fb photos with her friend)
Whatshallidonowpeople yes, he was out with friend 1 when friend 2 was out with me at the same place. My two friends do not know each other, so when friend 2 pointed him out as the cheating rat who broke her friend's heart, she was unaware he was dating a friend of mine.

OP posts:
BlondeB83 · 10/03/2018 16:50

I would tell her but be prepared for the backlash.

LanguidLobster · 10/03/2018 16:53

I'd probably say in quite a vague way that someone raised suspicions about him, but leave it at that and also that it wasn't anything you witnessed.

RebootYourEngine · 10/03/2018 16:56

I would tell because i would want to know if this was happening to me.

Merryoldgoat · 10/03/2018 19:07

I’d tell her exactly what you know as you heard it: your friend told you and you thought she’d want to know. You can’t vouch for it but you trust your friend and would want to know in her shoes.

Then let her decide what to do and support her decision.

hidinginthenightgarden · 10/03/2018 19:11

I would do as merryoldgoat said. Do not present as absolute fact, just as info you are passing on. It shouldn't take much digging to confirm it.

WeeMadArthur · 10/03/2018 19:11

I would tell my friend, especially if there are fb photos of him with someone else as proof. She will be hurt but rather that than end up being suckered by someone who is happy to sleep with and lie to several women at once.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/03/2018 19:13

How did friend 2 not see you say hello to friend 1

DarthNigel · 10/03/2018 19:14

Tell her as per merryoldgoats suggestion. 6 months or a year down the line when she finds out herself and is devastated how could you look her in the eye if you didn't? She might not thank you for it now, but she will in time.

applesandpears56 · 10/03/2018 19:15

Of course tell but say exactly as you did here - ie it was funny the other night when I was with f2, your new boyfriend walked past and f2 commented out of the blue that she knew him and x
Sympathise with your friend that it may or not be true - but you’ve done your job

Original poster
Tensecondrule · 10/03/2018 19:21

Whatshallidonowpeople I had briefly been over to say hello to friend one while friend 2 was queuing at the bar, if that's relevant

OP posts:
Baubles22 · 10/03/2018 21:41

I once told a friend and she stood by him and stopped talking to me, I will never do this again. You may not be thanked for it

applesandpears56 · 10/03/2018 22:25

But if she doesn’t pass on the info it might be found out later she knew and then friend would stop talking to her anyway!
Always best to be honest but present It well

Baubles22 · 10/03/2018 22:36

It’s a risk...

Baubles22 · 10/03/2018 22:39

Following this, a very good friend of mine was to die to get married. Found out from one of my other friends whom met her fiancé at my party that said fiancé had been texting her.

I didn’t tell.

They got married. Now divorced due to his infidelity. I have some regret, nothing happened apart from the texts but showed the way he was inclined. I had my fingers burned once and didn’t want to lose my now divorced friend

Flamingo84 · 10/03/2018 22:41

A friend’s bf came on to me, I brushed off the first time as we’d all been drinking but he did it again sober so I told her what happened. She stayed with him and distanced herself from me and took another mutual friend with her.
If it was me I’d want to know but as other’s have said, be prepared for her to shoot the messenger.