To tell friend her new partner is a cheat

[Tensecondrule]

Another moral dilemma 🙈 a friend has been seeing a man for a few months, it seems to have got serious quite quickly and they’ve already booked a holiday together. She seems really happy with him (both been married before and have grown up kids). I was out with another friend (friend 2) last night (she doesn’t know friend 1) and we went into a bar where friend 1 was out with her partner and a group of friends. He walked past us to go to the bar and friend 2 made a comment about him being a shit (not knowing he was dating my other friend). When I asked what she meant she said he was in a relationship with a friend of hers up until a month ago, cheated on her with his ex, and her friend was really cut up and they’d now split. This means he was seeing my friend whilst in a relationship with her friend and simultaneously sleeping with an ex! I feel like I should tell my friend what I’ve found out (friend 2 is a reliable source and saw photos of her friend with this guy over xmas while he was also seeing friend 1). I don’t want to be the one to burst her bubble as she seems really happy but I feel she needs to be on her guard. WWYD?

Such a difficult position to be in OP, I don't sympathise. I think I would have to tell her, purely on the basis that if it was me I would want to know. If things come out in the future and she finds out that you knew but said nothing, your friendship will be very damaged. Difficult though because the messenger often gets shot in these situations. Is it possible that you can message him with the ultimatum that he needs to tell her himself, or you will? It could potentially be slightly easier to hear coming from him? Just brainstorming possible solutions, I really think it's best she knows though.

Perhaps find a way to ask her how long they'e been 'exclusive'? And then see if the timing adds up, seeing as your friend told you that he'd stopped seeing the other woman a months ago?

If you're sure it's him, I would then tell her if the timing didn't add up in your friend's favour.

I could never tell my v good friend I had my suspicions and he had been texting another friend, she would be furious at me.

If it is still early stages, you may come out unscathed

I'd simply drop into conversation at some point the comment that you were out with Friend 2, and, say, without eluding to any time frames, that she said she knew him, turned out that he once used to go out with a friend of hers (you could name friend), but they had split up because he went back to his ex, and isn't it a small world!

Then you've told her, but not told her the specifics.

I would tell friend, but I wouldn't do it in a massive big deal sort of way. I'd just say "just to let u know I heard xxxx, I'm not sure how much truth is in it but it felt weird not saying anything". Then let her be the one to decide what she wants to do with that info. I'd make sure my tone of voice was neutral and try to come across as impartial. It's a tricky one.

Why would she be mad at you?

@baubles

Would you be able to get the 2 friends together and go out as a three? Then your friend whose other friend got burnt by cheating bastard could tell your friend currently seeing cheating bastard herself. Takes you out of the equation, as it were.
Or would that seem too contrived?

I understand not telling an acquaintance, but a friend? I would always tell a friend. How could you watch something play out with increasing ramifications and not say anything (as someone who supposedly cares for this person)?
There is an element of risk but it’s a risk I think one has to take...

I would tell her. I would want to know.

But I'd do it in exactly the way that BoamFananas suggests.

Friend 1 isn’t a very close friend, she’s someone I’ve known for years, like very much, but only see face to face occasionally, so I’m not likely to spend time socially with her and her partner. She doesn’t know friend 2 at all, so if she finds out herself he’s a cheat it’s not going to come back on me in a “you must have known what he was like and why didn’t you tell me” kind of way. I’m still mulling it over. I may be seeing her next week and I think I may broach the subject in a casual way, ask about how it’s going, what’s his relationship history etc, and just mention that my other friend knows his ex. I’ll gauge her reaction and take it from there. Thanks for all the advice.

Tense, if you do discuss this with friend she may construe it as meddling, be aware you could end up with a fragile friendship or no friendship as the case may be, Its a poser for sure.

I would want to know. I wouldn't want to find out a further 6 more months invested down the line.

I would be inclined to tell her - yes it is going to hurt finding this out (if it is true and 2nd hand information is never 100%) but imagine how much worse it will feel later on.

OP I would put myself in your friend's shoes. If that was you, would you want to be told...or have lots of people know, but nobody had the backbone to tell you. Know which one I'd prefer.

In saying that, she may retaliate for a time but once she realises you spilt the beans with her best interests in mind, she will get over it. Would be terrible if/when she found out later and discovered you knew all along.

For me it would be, suck it up and be a good friend.

Drop it into conversation that you was out with friend and .... but not as though you are sure this is true more asking her could this be true and she may already know

But you might not be thanked we all at times make a choice on what we want to believe and first throws of love we so often ignore the signs

Still if he is someone who regularly cheats when her suspicions are raised she might remember the conversation you both had

I've been through this. Tell her exactly what you've been told. And soon.
When I was being cheated on it hurt so much more that I had friends that knew and didn't tell Me.
Knowing that anything that made me happy in that time until I found out wasn't 'real' and that I'd been allowed to care more deeply and spend more time was horrid. They may not thank you but they deserve all the information, certainly from a friend

Without definite proof it could still come across as meddling. Be careful.

I doubt your friend will believe you as it is your friends friend who said it.

But I would tell her what you have heard but don't be too adamant it's true.

'i have heard a rumour, may be nothing but.........'

She can be on alert for other suspicious behaviour.

There is a chance he dumped other lady for your friend and going with an ex is a miscommunication somewhere along the line.

I think the more you ask probing questions the more you come across as interfering, and the less you leave her with her dignity.

If you send her a message and say, can we meet for coffee, there's something I want to discuss with you. Then start by saying: you don't know much about your relationship, they may not be exclusive, and this may all be rubbish but someone said something and you want to make sure she has the information. Tell her what your friend said, and say; look friend, you know enough to know if this is plausible, or overlapped dates, or is an issue, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to discuss it further with me.

If she wants to give him another go, she can then say to you, oh that ex is stirring, or we were not seeing other people till then, or even just I don't believe it. She can go away and think about it.

If t y ask probing questions and get her to say 'oh it's going great, we're exclusive since the start, in head over heels' then she'll feel humiliated and like you were setting her up if you then reveal he's a twat.

I think you should tell her, but no probing questions first.