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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH and Sleeping till 11am every weekend and abusing his body

39 replies

AnUnhappyStudent · 10/03/2018 14:04

I am a mature student and have been studying hard for the last several years and just about to come to the end of it. I am a bad sleeper and frequently wake in the early hours of the morning, do a couple of hours study and then back to bed.

During most of the time I have been studying I have also volunteered a couple of evenings a week, done the school runs and most of the housework/shopping/washing. However its now the last push and I have let things slide and was hoping that my DH would pick these things up and he hasn't. In fact every Saturday and Sunday he lies in until 11am, it would be longer but this is the time that I wake him up. By that time I have been up several hours and got loads done, but find I am really resenting him. We have an 11 year old DD and a dog. I can't understand why he would not want to be up and spend time with them so that I can get some work done.

In addition he drinks to excess, 6 bottles of wine a week, is overweight and he smokes. I knew this before we go together and I appreciate that its not up to me to change him, however I have health issues and it terrifies me that if something should go wrong with my health that my DD will be left with a father who is not fit and healthy. I do everything I can to stay well but he just cannot seem to see what the issue is.

To top it all off, he is suffering with ED which I feel sure is the result of the smoking and drinking, we have not had sex for a year and which makes me feel unattractive and unfulfilled. I just don't know what to do anymore. He did get healthy for a while and then just let everything go, started smoking and drinking again and no exercise. And the sleeping, he can't surely need 12 hours sleep a day??

AIBU in thinking that he needs to sort himself and his priorities out??

OP posts:
TimetohittheroadJack · 10/03/2018 14:08

He sounds like a lazy arse.

But I like a lie in are rarely get up before 11 at the weekends (my kids are teenagers) . I would much rather laze about all morning and do stuff later in the day.

TimetohittheroadJack · 10/03/2018 14:10

Does he want to change? Stop drinking as much, stop smoking, lose weight? Cause if he’s not really bothered I doubt there’s much you can do.

Ubercornsdiscoball · 10/03/2018 14:19

Have you talked about his late mornings? Tried waking him?

Moominfan · 10/03/2018 14:24

Sounds like an extra child

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2018 14:25

You're not unreasonable to think it, but it's his opinion that matters. He is an adult who gets to chose how he lives. You either stay with him Of leave.

Creambun2 · 10/03/2018 14:29

why did you get together with someone who drinks to excess, smokes and is obese?

TangointhePark · 10/03/2018 14:30

Have you told him you need him to pick up the slack or are you hoping he’ll read your kind? If you’ve been happy to do it all thus far, you’ll likely need to spell out to him what you need him to do and when.

Emmageddon · 10/03/2018 14:31

Tell him you need to talk. Discuss what he should be doing around the house, it's not solely your job to do the school run and all the housework/shopping/washing. Does he want to stop smoking and get fitter? Is he low in mood? Maybe he is drinking a lot to cover up a mild depression. Tell him how worried you are about his health. Approach it from as a welfare issue rather than a criticism at first.

MakeMineAStrongOne · 10/03/2018 14:34

Could he be depressed? Sleeping til 11am, drinking, no libido. Worth considering before writing him off as a lazy arse.

RoadToRivendell · 10/03/2018 14:35

Gross. I couldn't do it.

JunHR · 10/03/2018 14:41

Get him a good road bike no less the £1000, he will love getting out in the fresh air for a couple of hours and will help him get healthy.

roadcyclinguk.com/gear/thirteen-best-road-bikes-1000.html

DiegoMadonna · 10/03/2018 14:42

Have you tried simply talking to him about these things?? The health issue and drinking/smoking is a difficult subject in any relationship, but asking him to help look after his daughter in the morning so that you can work is not a big deal, and any half decent partner would be happy to help.

LostInShoebiz · 10/03/2018 14:44

Is buy him a bicycle the male equivalent of a spa day?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/03/2018 14:51

You might not be able to change him but you do need to protect yourself financially - make sure you have a bloody good insurance policy on him as he's putting himself into a high risk category and the erectile dysfunction shows the impact it's having on his body already.

LynetteScavo · 10/03/2018 14:56

He doesn't sound very happy. He sound anxious and depressed, I think you need to at least realise the root cause of his behaviour before tackling it.

fusushumi · 10/03/2018 15:02

How old is he? Is his work going well?

Lethaldrizzle · 10/03/2018 15:02

Lostinshoebiz - no - the bike will get him fit in the long term both in mind and body. The spa day is just a pleasant one off with no long lasting affect

mrsm43s · 10/03/2018 15:16

I'm not really sure why him sleeping in til 11 is stopping you from getting any work done? You have an 11 year old, who is surely able to get her own breakfast and entertain herself (if she's not yet hit the teen sleeping in age), and a dog who presumably needs to be let out for a wee and to be fed, but that only takes 10 mins or so. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to sleep in til 11 if he wants to, as long as he'd doing his fair share generally.

That said, it sounds like you have other issues with him, so it sounds like you need to have a sit down and a chat with him. You love him and are worried about his health, share that with him. Also explain that you need a little more help around the house in the next few weeks while you finish your course.

Original poster
AnUnhappyStudent · 10/03/2018 15:17

When we initially got together I did know he smoked, but he did not drink to excess and was not obese. I guess after we had our DD my priorities' changed in that I wanted to be a healthy and active as possible for her.

He has always liked his sleep but again things change when you have a child. Last year I asked him to move out when he was drinking 3 bottles of wine on a Friday/Saturday evening and on one occasion got very angry when I had a deadline to meet and he had to watch DD . He returned on the understanding that he would cut down on the wine, which he has to his current level of 6 bottles a week.

He visited the doctor about 2 years ago when he was having problems waking in the night (ironic!) and who at that point prescribed anti-depressants that he refused to take.

He is almost 50 and yes I suppose the strain of being the sole breadwinner over the past few years may have taken its toll, resulting in depression. But just like it has to be him that wants to change I can't force him to take the medication.

OP posts:
Custardo · 10/03/2018 15:20

i like a lie in so i get that - also understnad that its nice if he got up and you got to get to do something all together some weekends.

the only soluton here is to talk about it

Verbena37 · 10/03/2018 15:20

Regardless of his bad habits, I assume if your’re a mature student, you’re not earning? Is he working full time? If yes, then surely you could share a lie in at the weekend? Do you need to volunteer becasue of your study or is it out of choice? If choice, that’s a nice to have. Could you give it up so he can’t go out once a week? Does he do a club/go out with his mates etc?

Have you managed to have a sit down chat about how you’re feeling?
Maybe just saying now you’re in your final push, you could really do with a bit more of a hand around the house/with your dd etc.

Whilst he is doesn’t have a great lifestyle health-wise, I can understand him wanting a lie in at weekends...maybe with a bit of talking to each other, he will help out a bit more.

VladmirsPoutine · 10/03/2018 15:23

But just like it has to be him that wants to change I can't force him to take the medication.

And herein lies the answer to your question. You can't do anything but either decide to live with it or not. It has to be him that makes the changes for himself.

Tara336 · 10/03/2018 15:27

I can sympathise with you my OH doesn’t drink but he smokes and has an awful diet it worries me sick. I have a chronic illness and am still more active then he is. I drag myself out to walk HIS dog as if I don’t it won’t happen. He sleeps till lunchtime at weekends, sulks if you don’t not want to eat a cooked breakfast with him and will fall asleep again in the evening. More than anything it’s lonely, so I take myself off and do things with other people. Naturally if it’s somethin he wants o do he’s up and off no trouble. He does work very hard all week and I understand he’s tired. I wish I had the answer

supersop60 · 10/03/2018 15:47

Yes, sure buy him (a student can afford a £1000) bike. But will he be motivated to get on it?
OP, I think the first thing you have to do is tell him what you need, and take it from there.

Flockoftreegulls · 10/03/2018 15:53

Talk to him, frankly you both sound unhappy.
Ask him if he's OK and see if you can get him to open up.