AIBU - DH and Sleeping till 11am every weekend and abusing his body

[AnUnhappyStudent]

I am a mature student and have been studying hard for the last several years and just about to come to the end of it. I am a bad sleeper and frequently wake in the early hours of the morning, do a couple of hours study and then back to bed.

During most of the time I have been studying I have also volunteered a couple of evenings a week, done the school runs and most of the housework/shopping/washing. However its now the last push and I have let things slide and was hoping that my DH would pick these things up and he hasn't. In fact every Saturday and Sunday he lies in until 11am, it would be longer but this is the time that I wake him up. By that time I have been up several hours and got loads done, but find I am really resenting him. We have an 11 year old DD and a dog. I can't understand why he would not want to be up and spend time with them so that I can get some work done.

In addition he drinks to excess, 6 bottles of wine a week, is overweight and he smokes. I knew this before we go together and I appreciate that its not up to me to change him, however I have health issues and it terrifies me that if something should go wrong with my health that my DD will be left with a father who is not fit and healthy. I do everything I can to stay well but he just cannot seem to see what the issue is.

To top it all off, he is suffering with ED which I feel sure is the result of the smoking and drinking, we have not had sex for a year and which makes me feel unattractive and unfulfilled. I just don't know what to do anymore. He did get healthy for a while and then just let everything go, started smoking and drinking again and no exercise. And the sleeping, he can't surely need 12 hours sleep a day??

AIBU in thinking that he needs to sort himself and his priorities out??

Yes, definitely spunk a grand on a bike. For someone who can’t be arsed getting out of bed before 11 and treats their body like a dumpster.

FFS. 🙄

Get him a good road bike no less the £1000, he will love getting out in the fresh air for a couple of hours and will help him get healthy.

roadcyclinguk.com/gear/thirteen-best-road-bikes-1000.html

If they can afford to live on his job alone they can afford a bike through the bike to work scheme. A bike did wonders for my mental and physical health.

Sounds like an advert to me.

Eek gads, I thought a lie-in was till 9am tops? Beyond that you’d have to be hungover or ill, surely? Disclaimer: I haven’t managed a lie-in beyond 8am in over a decade, even when I had low-level pneumonia or jet-lag!

‘Buy him a bike’ sounds a bit much like ‘reward him for being a dick’ to me. He has prioritised you, your DD, your dog, your house and your sex life about as low on the list as is possible. He has shown little to no ability or interest in changing his horrid habits to allow for a better life (or a longer one). He is choosing self-medicating every night, over professional advice.

But sure, a new toy he won’t even make it to the end of the street on will help.

If I were you, I’d spend the ‘bike money’ on some counselling sessions. Buy 3 upfront for you both, then 3 more for him by himself.

Next time you’re sitting together, lightheartedly put him through one of those ‘Real age vs chronological age’ internet quizzes. Tell him you scored 26 for ‘real age’ . There are some quite in-depth, scientific ones that are free. You read the questions out aloud and enter the answers. See how funny he thinks it is when you & DD are comparing his score to the cohort of his ‘age’ group. No way he’s scoring less than 75yo, with your description.

I’m feeling quite angry on your behalf. Of course he may have a diagnosable mental condition, but he’s got no right to ignore it and ruin the lives of his loving wife and lovely child.

I’ve had a few of his issues myself, and my partner and child were sufficient motivation to start the hard work of recovery, even if my self-worth was not. I didn’t care for me, but I cared for them.

You are worth it.

I can't imagine staying in bed til 11am on a weekend. It seems like such a waste of a precious day off.

Erm no one seems to have mentioned that 6 bottles of wine a week would indicate that the OPs partner is an alcoholic - never mind the rest of it. And I wouldn't be happy with that either.

If he's working to enable your self improvements ( having a DD a dog and time to study) then he may be questioning where his life is going. And where you might go when you have qualified. This is enough to make most people feel depressed.

Maybe you need to show him some affection, understanding and give him some reassurance you are there for him. Basically, you owe him.

Sounds like the advice is if you want him to help you, you have to ask him and if he wants you to help him, you have to ask him.

I read somewhere that ED is an early warning sign for heart problems. Has he been to the doctor over this?
It could be connected to his mental health, but considering his diet and lifestyle, it might not.
Could you be more active as a family? Dog walks and suchlike?

Does he snore badly, could he have sleep apnea?

Your 11 yo needs to spend quality with him. Does she get this?

Are you finishing your course in June? If this is the case you’ll be able to contribute to earning, I assume. Perhaps let things lie until then and tackle it when you’re less under pressure from revising for your finals and finishing assignments. Your dd can amuse herself while you study, can’t she?

Why does an 11 yo need watching?

The drinking is the problem. A big one.

He's an alcoholic! That's the issue

Sounds like he is caught up in a bad cycle. All symptoms are down to bad choices and can be changed.

I agree he sounds fed up, Is there anything he would join, maybe both of you a walking club? In order to change properly he needs to map a new life with new interests.

Yanbu share your concerns with him or he won't change.