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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at 'sick' partner?

30 replies

DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 05:46

Bit of backstory. Been together 7 years, 2 DC, recently engaged.

Whole house has come down with mild cold. Oldest DC still went to school, I carried on as normal but as usual DP is 'dying' he can 'barely stand up' and came home from work yesterday. (Unpaid) we really can't afford to loose the money.

He's annoyed I'm not sympathetic. I'm just so annoyed. Its every cold, headache, sore back, sniffle and hes on the self pity train claiming he can't do anything. His illness is always 'the worst' in the house when everyone is Ill and he's in a huff I won't fawn over him.

Last week I had a 4 day recurring migraine, still got up with the kids in the night and morning, done school run, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping ect. No help from him aside from the odd 'oh your poor head' comment while lounging around not helping.

Who is bu? Am I a cruel unsympathetic bitch or is he a fucking hypercondriac drama queen?

OP posts:
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 10/03/2018 05:50

YANBU at all!

strawberrysparkle · 10/03/2018 06:03

He's been unreasonable. I have one at home just the same!

The way I tell if he's proper poorly or not is because when he is he doesn't make as much noise about it! I actually dread getting ill, not for my sake but because I'll have to listen to week of moaning if he gets a slight sniffle!

Next time you're I'll go on strike!

Original poster
DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 06:12

Well I'm relieved at least someone thinks it's him bu.
I'm up with the DC now as he's too ill to get up with them and needs to sleep we all have the same cold ffs

OP posts:
Kitchenbound · 10/03/2018 06:14

YANBU. Bloody man flu. Tell him until you see green phlegm oozing from every orifice theres no sympathy train coming. Mean perhaps but sometimes tough love is necessary

DeathStare · 10/03/2018 06:17

I've been thinking DP.... since I have the same cold as you, I should probably follow your lead in how to manage it. You've shown me that I'm clearly overdoing things when I'm ill and that's no good. So I'm going to learn by watching you and following your lead. Do you think we're BOTH well enough to do stuff today or not?

And then do EXACTLY what he does Grin

UnsuspectedItem · 10/03/2018 06:22

Perhaps its time for you to take a very important appointment leaving him with the kids.

OR treat him like a toddler, if he wants to act like one.

When my little ones are sick, they can ONLY rest and eat bland food. That's no TV, no games, nothing. If he's too ill to help out with essential childcare and work, then he's too ill to do anything except be in bed. With no distractions. Books will strain his eyes, TV will be too loud etc.

Original poster
DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 06:24

Ohh I so wish I could play him at his own game but both the 4 year old and the 2 year old already know to bypass him and come straight to me if they need/want something!
I'm tempted to just take them out for the day and leave him wallowing in his own self pity.

OP posts:
TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/03/2018 06:25

Yanbu!

I hate the term ‘man flu’. This has nothing to do with him being a man and everything to do with him being a lazy, self indulgent prat. I know at least one woman who does this too. She’s lazy and self indulgent too.

ovenchips · 10/03/2018 06:27

I find this kind of behaviour vvv irritating.

However, what you are doing now (ie being irritated) isn't working. So I would change the way I deal with it and see if that in turn changes the way he deals with it (as we can never force someone to change their own behaviour).

So I would be as sympathetic as I could muster. Some sympathetic sounds, cups of tea etc. I'm not saying I would make out he was v ill when he wasn't, but just say I could see he was feeling rotten with a cold etc. So I would give him the sympathy he is craving/ needs when he is ill.

BUT I would not let him off the hook with also having to do stuff. So sympathy/tea then 'Can you do x?' So he is getting the sympathy/ acknowledgement he seems to need while still having to acknowledge stuff needs doing even when we feel ill.

I would also look at myself OP and change the way I am when ill. You sound at other extreme - soldiering on when quite unwell. I would take myself off to bed for rests and ask my DH to do essential stuff while I was.

It may sound like something you would hate to do (and as I say the 'I'm dying with cold' schtick is vvvv irritating and selfish) but I really do think if you did it a few times, the dynamics of how you both act when ill and when the other is ill, would change for the better.

Jengnr · 10/03/2018 06:29

My husband is SUCH a drama queen when he’s ill.

I really wish I could have taken the ‘in sickness’ bit out of our marriage vows.

The flip side of that is that he’s been hospitalised twice when I thought he was just being soft. That’s what you get for crying wolf. Grin

Bowerbird5 · 10/03/2018 06:33

Yes, of course his is worse. You are being unreasonable the poor man is seriously ill with a cold. It will be the same cold DH had. He had to go to bed too when he came home.

I had to do the cooking and cleaning too. It 's only fair.
He had been away at work for three weeks during which time I had been ill, been in hospital three times A &E and admitted each time and still under investigation (cardio) he did manage to rally after about five days and help with the cooking and brought some logs in for me. Poor man, this man flu is dreadful. I did offer to ring an ambulance one day while he was particularly poorly( I was being sarcastic not really going to) when I came home from work. Glad you can put your big girl pants on and hook them up. I find a glass of something helps or a secret stash of chocolate.

UnsuspectedItem · 10/03/2018 06:45

Here you go, OP

HerbNotErb · 10/03/2018 06:50

Go out for the day, let him sort himself out. If you stay in he will want drinks & food & sympathy.

RitaMills · 10/03/2018 06:56

What the hell is wrong with some men, my DP is exactly the same.

He has the sniffles just now and just lies on the couch hugging a box of tissues. He makes this groaning sound every time he sniffs and makes a big song and dance about blowing his nose making sure everyone can hear just how inconvenient it is for him. Last night I was giving him the side eye as he lay there with this pained look on his face staring at the TV, it is a fucking mild cold he has.

bakingaddict · 10/03/2018 07:13

You both sound as bad as each other tbh, I suffer from migraines and really I don't think you can just ignore them and carry on doing your normal stuff, proper migraines fell you, you aren't even able to think properly so it sounds like you had some kind of head cold. Anyway I digress, stop being a martyr. Regardless of what you are suffering from, if you are not feeling well go to bed, you don't need his permission.

Does it really matter for a couple of days if the kids eat crap and watch endless CBeebies. Give yourself and each other some respect when you're ill instead of being passive aggressive

dayandnightshapes · 10/03/2018 07:22

I totally agree with baking addict.
I have had one migraine in my life and wow. I was bed bound for 3 days, couldn't do anything for the first 24 hours and thought I was going to die.
Also, if he came home from work, it may well be more than just a cold....

People get ill. People take time off when it happens. Why would you be horrible to someone.

If a man had written this about his wife, I'm sure the replies would be quite different

Original poster
DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 07:27

I'm definitely going out with the kids, who surprisingly are coping just fine with the cold. It is infuriating but will just get on with it.

I do understand migranes though I have had them since I was a teenager so I understand the difference between that and a head cold. Not much choice when there is no one else to look after the children though but to carry on.

A pp was right though I do soldier on even when really truly unwell, through migraines and refusing doctors orders to go to hospital with HG when pregnancy with my second. Perhaps my insistence to carry on regardless is partly why I'm so furious he bows out with nothing more than a sniffle.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/03/2018 07:32

Very unfair to say it wasn't really a migraine if she was carrying on. If no-one was helping, which it seems man flu wasn't, then what exactly are the 2 and 4 year old going to do?

I have had migraines I've had no choice but to carry on through. I count them as some of the shittest times of my life!

Original poster
DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 07:32

Anyhow the difference between a migraine and a headache aside.

I'm going out and so everyone is happy, he gets to wallow and I get nice day out with the kids.

Thank you for all the replies!

OP posts:
Sarahh2014 · 10/03/2018 07:34

My dh is the same the only good thing is he rarely catches bugs he's literally only ill once or twice a year which makes it bearable!

bakingaddict · 10/03/2018 07:36

Why do you do that though Dobby, are you so lacking in self worth you won't even go and rest when you're ill. If you really don't think your DH will step up and look after his own kids for you go to bed for a few hours when ill then you have big problems. I don't understand how women get themselves into these situations, why align yourself with a man who obviously doesn't give a flying fuck about you. What's the appeal?

RecalibratedMilkshake · 10/03/2018 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DobbyIsAGoodElf · 10/03/2018 07:43

I do it because I was raised that way I suppose? to just get on with it. I don't know really but I don't necessarily see it as a bad thing.
DP does work so sometimes I have no choice to just get on with it and other times I just do things because they need doing.

Anyhow he's gone back to bed and were going for an early mothers day breakfast.

Will perhaps have a chat about the way we deal with sickness with him later, if he gets out of bed!

OP posts:
swingofthings · 10/03/2018 07:51

It depends. When I get a cold, I get it very badly but you wouldn't know. It gets into my sinus and I feel totally drained. I usually have to take at least a day or two off and similarly, will cancel meeting with friends, will be incapable of participating in any sporting activities.

My OH only gets what I call mild cold. He gets a bit of a headache, a bit of a stuffy nose, sneezing etc... but he usually can carry on with normal activities, including sport and going out drinking.

Last Xmas, for the first time, he had one of my colds, ie. not the flu but much worse than his normal symptoms. He struggled and I reminded him that these are the colds that I get. He finally realised why I do feel sorry for myself when I get them.

dancinfeet · 10/03/2018 07:56

I suffer from migraines, but as a single parent if I didn't move myself and get this done as normal when my children were small, then no one else was going to do it for me. My children are older now so it's a little easier to deal with if I get a severe attack.
Please don't assume that the OP isn't suffering from a migraine because she feels she has to carry on doing things for her children, sometimes as a parent you have to, no matter how ill you are.

On the other hand OP, you have another adult in the house and are being a bit of a martyr when you are ill. If you are both equally ill, then you should be sharing the responsibilities 50/50, his illness doesn't trump yours. When you are both ill, if he is too sick to get off the sofa or our of bed, then he gets the two children to entertain whilst you soldier on with the cooking / shopping / tidying, not shirking all responsibility! If he is so ill he can only watch TV - great (!) stick CBeebies on and go out and leave him and the kids to it, whilst you do your grocery shop. I'm not suggesting that you do this if you are well and he isn't, but if you suggested this a few times, he would more than likely shift his lazy carcass and start doing something productive.

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