Sharing Housework Issues

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I’m just after some perspective/advice on this problem please, as I just can’t seem to find a way to solve it.

DH works fulltime, 5 full days a week; I work part-time, five mornings a week. 2 teenaged DC. I do 95% of all household chores. I have tried repeatedly to get DH and DCs involved, asking, nagging, drawing up chore rosters, etc, etc, etc, and nothing sticks. They’ll do things for a day or so, then slack off and eventually stop. Unless I CONSTANTLY nag and follow them all around asking them to do their chores, it doesn’t happen. It’s easier and less exhausting to do everything myself.

Things came to a head yesterday. DH had completed an extra long work day - left at 5am, back at 4:30pm, and the day included long distance driving. I did my morning shift at work, then took our son to a medical appointment and did the food shopping. Both DH and I arrived home at the same time. DH immediately heads off to his study to watch TV, and I set to with preparing dinner and putting a load of washing on. I felt really tired and fed up and all the built-up feelings of resentment just burst out and I really lost it at DH.

He basically doesn’t think he should have to do any chores whatsoever after a long day at work.

I just wondered if anyone has found a magical way of getting other family members to pull their weight, or should I just press on with things as they are, or do I actually leave DH? Am I being unreasonable expecting him to contribute after a full working day?

Thank you for reading, and sorry it’s a mundane and boring problem.

I think your DH needs a wake-up call - getting in at 4.30pm is not a "long day" fgs! Yes he left at 5am, but many DHs I know do that pretty much most days for years on end and get in after 7pm or later. In any case, being out the house for at least 12 hours is fairly standard. These DHs may not do much in terms of housework, but they often have SAH wives and a cleaner as well.

I would suggest you get a cleaner in twice a week, for a start. Your DH can't have it both ways. You're not a SAHM, you work too every day and not much less than him, even before the housework and everything else is factored in.

I was in the same situation not long ago and im sorry to tell you - I had to lose my mind at DH and DC before anything happened.

First off YANBU!!! Why the hell some men think they are above housework is beyond me. If you weren't working at all then maybe possibly it would be a different story. But does he think he has a wife or a maid? You don't seem to be asking him to do much so my true opinion is he's a spoiled brat.

As to the do you leave him comment - that is something only you can truly decide with input from family and friends that know all about your life.

At one point I resorted to taking every phone, iPad, iPod etc and locking them away before i turned off power to the house. When the tribe came a screaming about what was going on i revealed that until they helped and did some chores that was how it was going to stay (by chores i meant unstack dishwasher hang laundry clean rooms etc). My DH and DC (including the boys) now all cook 1 day a week - spag bol, stir fry, burrito kits whatever they want. If they don't cook they don't eat. Maybe I'm an unreasonable mum/ wife but their rooms are no longer condemned hovels of doom and I no longer feel like I'm taken advantage of .

Understandable that your DH doesnt want to do do housework after a long day at work but here's the news flash - you work too and he's part of the household and family so time to step up and take some responsibility. I hope this helps. Hang in there!

If he was single he’d have to do housework.

Single parents work full time and do housework.

11.5 hours out the house is pretty normal.

If I were you I’d go back full time and reduce what you do in the house - listen out my jobs more stressful/physical/draining as his excuse then.

I have two couple friends, one of each couple is a teacher. Male teacher rests and does hobbies in the holidays - teaching is stressful and he needs his down time. Couple two - female teacher - catches up on everything and has the kids all holidays as she gets so much more time than her male partner!

You need to go on strike.

If he was single he’d have to do housework

No he wouldn't, he would live in a tip and eat takeaways.

I don't know the answer, but it's infuriating. Going on strike or leaving them to it for a few days might make your point.

Yes you could get a lot of housework done in the afternoons (make sure you aren't doing too much, things like vacuuming and bathroom cleaning don't need doing every day, once or twice a week is plenty) but they all have to do something as well as not leaving stuff everywhere so you have to pick up after them. They could all cook once a week each and do things like bins.

Give them a day each to cook, if they don't make anything on those days, just ignore it and make an omelette or something for you.

Stop doing all the washing. Just do yours.

If they leave crap everywhere, bag it up and move it somewhere where it won't annoy you like the DCs rooms or a garage or shed if you have one.

Sounds like you need a house meeting. I had a similar problem when I went back to work after maternity leave.

After a few months I pointed out to DH I was doing everything and nagging him to do stuff made me feel like his mum not his wife. He did take it on board and does a lot more now.

Could you sit down with the kids at least and get them to agree what sounds fair for them to do? Maybe wash up/dishwasher after meals in turns, tidy room one a week, Hoover once a week? (Depends on their ages really).

I’d stop doing things for them! How old are DC? Old enough to make dinner or do the washing?

I’d go on strike and only do my own washing and cooking. I’d still do the cleaning though - I can’t deal with a mess!

How many hours do you do compared to him?

1. Beat him at his own game, go full time at work.

1. Housework strike - only look after yourself.

1. Teens earn WiFi, pocket money, lifts etc. by doing chores.

Be persistent, calm. Your time is as valuable as theirs. Good luck.

How many hours less do you work?

PT working with teenage children is a luxury. If I was financially supporting the household more because the other person worked less I would expect them to pick up the bulk of the jobs. It's only fair.

If wokrkng the same hours it should be split 50/50 but if unequal then the lower hours person makes up the difference in hours by using them on the house.

5 until 4.30 isn't a particularly long day so your DH needs to get off his high horse there. Why couldn't he put a wash on while you sorted dinner? Given he works full time, I wouldn't expect it to be split 50/50. But things like putting a wash on, doing the dishes etc after work shouldn't be an almighty task. However, I'd be focusing on your DC more too tbh. Teenagers should be pulling their weight. They can earn pocket money/games console time or whatever they want from doing chores. Start teaching them to do basic things. They don't do it, they don't get their pocket money.

"PT working with teenage children is a luxury"

Says who?

It depends on the job surely? And the teenagers?

More to the point, the OP doesn't have time to work "full time" if the expectations are that she does everything else to boot.

I would suggest that if DH and DCs don't want to help then they contribute to outsourcing it - give you money to organise a cleaner etc, whatever would help. The children especially need to realise that it costs money to live the way they do and if they'd rather keep the money for other things they need to do the housework themselves. I'd refuse to do any laundry that isn't yours or tidy any spaces you don't use. I'd even consider only cooking for yourself.

So stop doing everything for them. You’ve made them this way if we’re going to be harsh. Make them realise how much you do by stopping doing all the household chores. If they want clean clothes, they wash them. If they want a meal, they cook it. Be strong, don’t waver!

What @Gide said. I'm lucky in that my other half won't ever complain when I say 'can you help me with the cleaning'. I've actually implemented a rota and he's agreed to it and just gets on with it. I still do more than him, but if we need shelves etc putting up or DIY stuff doing, he tends to do that.

I say go on strike. Wash your own dishes. Do your own washing. Clean up your own mess. Once he runs out of clean clothes and plates to eat off, he may realise just how much work you actually do.

I think the problem is you didn't communicate effectively. Had you said 'ive got X's procedure tomorrow, can you get tea on when you get in?' would the conversation have gone differently? If one of us has a 12 hour day the other one tends to help out a bit extra - perhaps minimise chores. It seems like you feel unappreciated - chat to him about this - we always thank the cook, and the children usually remember even if there isn't another adult present because of habit. You and he set the tone for the family -if you and he are respectful of each other, the kids will follow suit. (I don't mean every time, I mean as a general attitude)

I would have gone to sit down next to your OH and said "well, since I haven't stopped all day either, I guess I get to relax all evening too! So, who's going to make us dinner?" (and if he refused to engage, I would have made myself a sandwich and left him to it.)

If you've been working / doing housework / chores all day, it's equivalent to his full day's work. Anything beyond that should be split.

I would suggest giving your teenagers specific chores that they're responsible for. If they don't do it, they don't get pocket money / computer time / whatever works for them.

As you both came in at the same time your DH should have offered to help get dinner ready or said 'lets get a take away'. He's like an extra child slinking off to his room waiting for his tea.

I would expect some help on the day to day matters - cooking, tidying away etc.

But as you have teenage DC's and work PT you should be responsible for some households tasks over your DH - you don't both come in at 4.30 every day.

I think the problem is you didn't communicate effectively. Had you said 'ive got X's procedure tomorrow, can you get tea on when you get in?' would the conversation have gone differently?

She is not the hired communications officer. He lives there too, why should she manage everyone and do the dirty work? Fuck that shit.

I don’t know if this will help OP, but it works for us. We clean half the house each every week - no reminders, no nagging, if I did upstairs last week I do downstairs this week. I can live with it if the other half doesn’t get done, because it will show who is not pulling their weight and get a thorough clean at least once a fortnight. I do majority cooking and shopping, but dh takes on all the washing, hanging it out and sorting and ironing. In the past, he did ‘admin/emails/helping’ for two of dcs clubs, I did it for school and another one.
DC are expected to do ‘a chore a day’, usually dishwasher, and they jump to it whenever I ask, plus clean their own bedrooms, change their own sheets which I don’t fuss when or if they do. They share one bathroom so they have to figure out the cleaning schedule for that between them (me and dh occasionally deep clean it but they keep it pretty good).
It took years to get to this point, but I feel fairly satisfied now, especially as I am back full time working.
However, if I was working your hours I would be expecting to pick up up tp 75% of the domestic work and related work, and try to do much of it in the week to keep the weekends clear. (And when I was in this situation I did - but if I ever felt resentful of a job eg doing all the shopping, then I acted on the feeling and insisted on sharing it).

if you have teenagers i bet you have tried every tactic in the book.

i would

1. only do my own washing /ironing ( i have 2 adult kids at home i dont wash for them usually)

2. just give them 1 thing that is theirs to do - not a rosta - just one thing, like fill the dishwasher or empty the bins, or hoover. you can ofcourse add ad-hoc things as and when but this is simple and clear.

3. get a cleaner - its £10 an hour (ish) and that 1 hour will be the best tenner you spend a week - i promise you.

4. ensure equal 'downtime' work it out - if your dh get to watch telly 2 hours a night - you get to sit on your arse or go out or whatever 2 hours a night too.

5. introduce a 'cook your own' meal day for the kids - they wont starve - in fact you are teaching then life skills. n one wants a partner that has had their mum do everything for them all their lives and they grown up believing the gender stereotypes which is unfair on them and their future partners

Thank you very much to everyone for the replies.

To answer some questions - the DC are 15 and 16, so fully able to do household tasks. They have been taught how to do things, and repeatedly asked, but it's mentally exhausting, and time consuming, nagging them about their respective allotted tasks, and it's gradually all slipped as I find the nagging so draining. It got to the point I felt my only interaction with them was nagging, so I just gave up really.

Regarding my own hours - my base hours are 9am - 12noon. Then I work extra hours on an as-needs basis. I'm fully aware that the hours are short, and believe me, I'd LOVE to work fulltime. I just can't find fulltime work! I think I'd be far happier working full time, as I'd then feel justified in hiring a cleaner - plus able to afford one hopefully.

So on the days I work the three base hours, obviously I do more household chores during the afternoon, that goes without saying.

I do feel that taking our son to an appointment is not "down time" or "me time" , and I don't feel that I should have to ask DH to step up - to me it should be obvious. I would not come in from work and just flop down in front of the TV, if someone else was in the kitchen making my dinner.

I have tried going on strike, but can't stand the mess.

Having a night where the DC cook a meal is a great suggestion, and I will try this out. They do cook at school, so it shouldn't be beyond them.

I also like the idea of one set chore per person, that might work better than my rosters....

Thank you again for the replies, I really appreciate it :)

I say go on strike. Wash your own dishes. Do your own washing. Clean up your own mess. Once he runs out of clean clothes and plates to eat off, he may realise just how much work you actually do

And in retaliation to that, he could pull his contribution of most things financial, after all fair is fair.

If he's out of the house for almost twelve hours at work compared to three then it's highly unreasonable to expect him to come in and start on the house.

Think you're right, Yellow. It hardly seems unreasonable for someone who's been out of the house for 12 hours and driven a long way to be cooked a meal when they get back. I'd be pissed off if I were him.

It should be obvious but that doesn't get you anywhere. If something is usually your responsibility / area / thing you do, it isn't a big ask to tell the other person that you need them to step up rather than expect them to notice. But if you feel generally neglected it can add to the resentment.
Teens should definitely have a night a week to cook!