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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu about partner?

42 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 02:51

Genuinely don't know if I'm being an unsupportive bitch or not.

Dc is 10 months and not sleeping well. I work part time and DP works full time over three days ( sat/sun/mon). He struggles a lot with dc, and has a lot of anxiety and depression around parenthood. I have supported this totally. I do all night work with DC as DP isn't sleeping well and has been put on AD's and sleeping tablets. I do not get any kind of break. I go to work, come home and relieve DP of DC so he can rest, then am up all night. DC and I have been sleeping in the living room for months so as not to disturb DP. Am I unreasonable to be fed up? Or am I being unsupportive in needing a full night's sleep sometimes? He lies in each morning until 8 while DC gets up at 5-6.

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 02:58

You don't sound unreasonable to be fed up and desperate of a full nights sleep. It does sound like your DP is really struggling as well. Is there anyone who could look after DC for the night so you can both get some rest?

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 03:04

No there isn't anyone. My mum isn't well enough, neither of us has any siblings or extended family and his mum went NC with him. It's just us.

He is really struggling but I can't keep doing all the night work and my share of the day work. Sad

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 03:06

Have you spoken to your health visitor about how your DC is sleeping? Maybe they could offer some advice.

You and your DP are both working. Could one of you take a break for a week or so? Your DP might be able to get signed off sick so you two can free up some time and get more rest?

CatRen27 · 10/03/2018 03:13

Wow that sounds exhausting, and a really tough situation for your family. At 10mo id suggest a bit of controlled crying to help your DS learn to self settle but this doesn't sound feasible if you're in the lounge room with him. You definitely need a break just even to get a nights sleep.

Could you swap with a close friend for a night and have them do a night shift to give you a rest? Or as a pp suggested, could you cut back on hours and get some temporary child care so you can sleep even if in the day? That's obviously a financial decision and not sure if possible. When we had no family around to help we had to essentially throw money at the situation but of course that's not possible for everyone.

Sorry i can't be any more help, good luck, you're doing an amazing job

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 03:28

I can't cut hours. I only work 12 but over 3 days. I don't have any friends that could do it as they all work full time and have no children.

I'm due a weeks holiday week after next but I'm helping my mum move house so no spare time there really. He won't get signed off as SSP is less than his wage and we need it, also his work couldn't possibly cope without him ( his words).

TBH I'm finding it hard not to be angry with him. Sad

OP posts:
DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 03:35

Well, it seems like something is going to have to give or you are going to break. If no one can babysit one of you needs to take some time off work. Otherwise you are going to continue in this cycle until your DC grows up. I can't really see much in the way of an alternative. I appreciate why you feel like this but you DP can't help being ill. I think you need to talk to a GP or your HV about how you are all coping as a family and ask them to help you.

Pixiedust2017 · 10/03/2018 03:38

In my opinion YANBU.
Even if he is struggling could you ask him to look after DC for even one night shift a week. If he only works 3 days a week he has 4 off. Surely one of those days he could help you out?
Or if reluctant to help with DC could he do more of the housework and daily tasks so that you have more free time?
Or perhaps 2 days a week get up earlier so you can have a lie in and then he could have an afternoon nap?
I would be very unhappy even if my partner was struggling if he was not attempting to pull 50% of the weight. We decided to have our child together. Our child is 50% his responsibility and I expect him to help out when he is not working just like I have to.
Another option if there is room in your budget; my aunt hired a babysitter to come round and watch the kids for half a day a week even though she was home so that she could have a break, nap, catch up with housework or go do the weekly shop etc.
I think you need to address this and do something otherwise you could also end up struggling and get sick yourself. :(

Kitchenbound · 10/03/2018 06:19

I agree with Pixie dust - consider looking into a babysitter or similar. And responsible kids in the neighbourhood that you know and trust? Even if its just for a couple hours you could get a bit of rest and know your DC is still safe and happy 1 room away

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 06:36

We don't have a health visitor. I took time off last time he couldn't cope this badly and only avoided disaplinary action because my manager requested HR be lenient in the circumstances. I really cannot take any more unscheduled time or I will lose my job. He refuses to take time off to help me when I struggle.

I will look into a babysitter but we have limited funds and I resent having to use money we don't have just so I can sleep when he's available to care for DC. I also don't really want to trust a stranger with DC.

It's worth mentioning that I've had clinical depression for over 15 years. Mine has been managed without medication for 10 years ( with doctors agreement ) but I struggle too. More so than usual atm. Any attempt to help him cope using my strategies is met with coldness. I only got two hours sleep in total last night and was up from 3 the night before. I really cannot continue much longer.

OP posts:
Purplelion · 10/03/2018 06:45

Are you in the UK? If so you’ll have a health visiting tesm for your area. Look in your red book or give your doctors surgery a call, they’ll put you in touch with them.

sandgrown · 10/03/2018 06:46

Not sure why you don't have a health visitor. Are you not in UK?
He/she might be able to offer some ideas for getting DC to sleep. My DP has depression and is very lazy and self -centred ( it's a selfish condition) and sometimes I have to really lose my temper before he realises he has to help.

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 06:54

Yes in Uk, but I've had children before so it was agreed her input wasn't necessary. There's no reason why DC isn't sleeping, he's just not. He'll settle quick enough if he's tucked in next to me but by that time I'm awake, and then he's very fidgety until he wakes again. DP won't have him in the bed as he can't sleep with him there. I really don't think she'll be able to suggest anything I haven't already tried.

OP posts:
Ledkr · 10/03/2018 06:59

How badly is he "struggling"?
He's being very unfair imo.
Lots of parents continue to parent through trying times as you yourself are doing.
He only works 3 days a week so sure he can do something on non work days. And he's lying in everyday!
Pfft, he's taking the piss.

acornsandnuts · 10/03/2018 07:01

Why aren’t you in the bedroom and your DP sleeping on the sofa?

If you’re having the broken sleep surely you should have the bed at least.

AnnaNimmity · 10/03/2018 07:04

So your DP won't have him in the bed? Is there anywhere else for DP to sleep - I always found it easier to have my non-sleeping dc in bed wtih me. It seems very unreasonable that your DP won't help, but he also won't sleep elsewhere. I'd chuck him out of the bed tbh.

Sorry, it's exhausting I know. I did this as a single parent, and all I can say is that it's a short period of your life. It stops! But I know how hard it is.

gingergenius · 10/03/2018 07:05

I'm confused. Where are the other DC is this situation?

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 07:05

He has baby when I'm at work though he struggles and I constantly get told how hard it is so I feel very guilty for going. But it's not a break or a rest for me. The last two days I've been off and taken baby to my mums to help her pack so he can relax. Plus done every night for the last month. I'm not sure what else I can do.

He can't/won't sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 10/03/2018 07:06

He's taking the piss for sure

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 07:07

Other DC live with us. I do the majority of their care too, he cooks more than I do, but I get up with them, school run when I'am off etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 07:10

He stays in bed until past 8 every morning while I get dc ready for school, have baby and get showered for work. Then he gets up when I leave for work to do the school run. So he does the morning run 2-3 a week, I do the rest and I do all the afternoon ones.

OP posts:
toomuchfaster · 10/03/2018 07:30

I agree with gingergenius
He needs to partake actively in family life (getting whatever treatment/help he needs to do this) or leave. IMO at the moment he is a drain on you even more than another DC.

Angrybird345 · 10/03/2018 07:35

Why and how can he condense a weeks work into 3 days?

Original poster
Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 07:39

It's just his shift. That's all he's contracted to do as a weekend supervisor. They are 12 hour days so 36 hours total. I have no problem leaving him on those days and obviously he works more so needs the sleep. It's the 4 days he's off that I could use a little help at night, just so I can actually get some sleep.

OP posts:
isitfridayyet1 · 10/03/2018 07:49

Have you thought about contacting Homestart? They may have volunteers in you area that can support you and your husband with childcare?
www.home-start.org.uk

Angrybird345 · 10/03/2018 07:52

Your dh needs to step up. Plenty of people do more hours than him and cope better. He really needs to man up.

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