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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu about partner?

42 replies

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 02:51

Genuinely don't know if I'm being an unsupportive bitch or not.

Dc is 10 months and not sleeping well. I work part time and DP works full time over three days ( sat/sun/mon). He struggles a lot with dc, and has a lot of anxiety and depression around parenthood. I have supported this totally. I do all night work with DC as DP isn't sleeping well and has been put on AD's and sleeping tablets. I do not get any kind of break. I go to work, come home and relieve DP of DC so he can rest, then am up all night. DC and I have been sleeping in the living room for months so as not to disturb DP. Am I unreasonable to be fed up? Or am I being unsupportive in needing a full night's sleep sometimes? He lies in each morning until 8 while DC gets up at 5-6.

OP posts:

Inertia · 10/03/2018 08:00

He is taking the piss.

You have a diagnosis for depression which is medically managed, so both of you need to protect your mental health.

You need to be in your bed so you can sleep properly, and if your partner isn't happy with that he can move on to the sofa. Have you tried the baby in a couple next to your bed? You might have a couple of unsettled nights while you work through a change, but sleeping on the floor isn't helping your health at all.

On the days when your partner works, and the nights before /at the end of the shirts, it would be reasonable for your DP to ask you to manage night wakings. He should be doing his fair share on his rest days.

And it sounds like you do need the health visitor - can you ask your GP practice to organise this?

Inertia · 10/03/2018 08:01

*in a cot, not couple!

Justdontknow4321 · 10/03/2018 08:08

He’s taking the piss and I would if told him by now.
I’d also not be sleeping downstairs as to not wake him, he can’t move down there or deal with it.

Original poster

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 08:11

Had baby next to us upstairs, but it's made no difference. DP then got frustrated with the lack of sleep. Baby's been like this for about 3 months now. I really can't see that the health visitor can offer any advice as he goes to sleep fine, he just wakes a lot. As we're both under the GP I can't see they'd be able to offer either of us any support.

OP posts:

acornsandnuts · 10/03/2018 08:24

Does your DP realise that it’s not meant to be easy. Nearly all parents struggle with lack of sleep and the daily grind of young children. I wasn’t a mum who enjoyed the baby stage. It was really really hard and I struggled. But I did it because I was a parent with responsibilities.

Honestly it sounds like he’s just not trying.

Original poster

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 09:16

I think he did think it would easier. Especially as DS slept through 8 hours straight from birth to 6 months so he thought it would always be like that.

OP posts:

Purplelion · 10/03/2018 13:20

Go to your GP, ask for help, I can’t believe that you don’t have a HV, I have a 9 months old and she isn’t my first child and I still have a HV. You need help and to be honest you’re walking excuses. You have a diagnosis of depression but won’t see a GP?

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2018 13:25

He can't/won't sleep on the sofa.

Oh really?

Hmm. Selfish arse springs to mind...

Thedogsmells · 10/03/2018 13:54

He sounds useless tbh.

Original poster

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 14:05

Purple lion, you misunderstood. I personally was diagnosed at 14 and after 5 years of being up and down on various antidepressants my doctor and I decided it would be better to manage mine without medication. I'm seen regularly and they see me without delay if necessary. I'm struggling a little more than usual atm, but nothing too overwhelming.

There are HV's but ours signed us off last august as really they couldn't really do anything and we would just take up appointments.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puddingmama2017 · 10/03/2018 14:08

I really don't feel the HV would be able to help. I've already tried everything to get DC to sleep through but he's not there yet. He goes to sleep fine, just gets very very restless and wakes regularly. Unless they're going to sit with him at 3 in the morning so I can sleep I really don't see the point in wasting an appointment to be told there's nothing else they can do.

OP posts:

Qcumber · 10/03/2018 14:27

He's not being fair. You need to ask him to start splitting care 50/50. He works the same amount of hours and same shift pattern as my 56 year old mum and she still manages to care for her mother.
Everyone struggles with babies, doesn't mean you can just opt out. And making you sleep on the sofa as well as taking care of the baby through the night is honestly disgusting behaviour. I can't believe anyone could be so selfish. That needs to change now. If he doesn't want to do night care, he sleeps on the sofa.

silkpyjamasallday · 10/03/2018 15:25

I agree a HV isn't going to be able to give you any helpful input at this stage, the things you could do to sort the sleep need your DHs support and he is calling the shots and just pleasing himself. It's unbelievably selfish, and he can't use depression as an excuse, where would you both be if you decided you couldn't cope and checked out of your responsibilities because your depression is getting worse. Maybe put that to him as a hypothetical, it may open his eyes to how selfish he is being. The only way to sort this is to get him on board, so you are going to have to talk to him and challenge him. I'm so sorry OP, it must be so hard for you and you are incredibly strong to be holding it together through all of this

confusedlittleone · 10/03/2018 15:47

He needs to start doing more and make it 50/50 for everything. you both work 3 days

SootyandMathew · 10/03/2018 16:12

Your DO needs to sleep on sofa and you and DS sleep in the bed.

SootyandMathew · 10/03/2018 16:12

DP that should say

GrannyGrissle · 10/03/2018 17:56

Your DP is milking it OP. When did he start on the ADs? I managed as a lone parent with severe treated (of a fashion) depression and anxiety and chronic pain/limited mobility and a non sleeping baby.
Though some days were shockingly shite i've struggled through the medication fug, severe sleep deprivation, siezures and pain to raise DD (now 4) all by myself (and i'm no superwoman). Your DH is milking it.

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