Friend keeps lying to me

[meme70]

I have a friend of 46 years we meet aged 2 went all through school together then had children and married roughly the same time we know each other’s secrets she had many more than me but I keep them to myself

I’m soft and she has over the years probably not treated me right but I keep my mouth shut

But

She keeps lying when she asks to meet up usually when she’s working as a carer to keep her company I do, last week I meet her twice when she asked.

For quiet a while I ask her if she her husband myself and my husband can meet for drinks or a meal out etc she always says her husband will say no as money .....

Christmas I asked about a Christmas meal out she was happy to and asked me to book the meal , I booked it and she then cancelled that day said her husband hasn’t been told and he’s get angry as money ( they are well off) so they can’t go. The week following she went out 3 times with him for dinner.

So a couple days ago I was taking to her and we said it would be nice to go out for drinks and maybe a meal she said she’d ask her husband
I asked her a couple times if she’d asked him she said no but she’s up for it and will
So she asked me round her house whilst she was working caring for her charge and she said I will ask husband about Saturday drinks I never mentioned it this time.

Later she text me last night said we’ve just gone out for dinner cost £60 and husband I know he won’t go out so we will have to leave it , she said as the meal was expensive and mother’s day they can’t afford to go out Saturday with us.
An hour ago I just saw her post on Facebook she just got in from a brilliant night out drinking

1. She states she hates pubs - but was in one
2. She told me yesterday they can’t afford it
3. This is happening often

My problem is I don’t want a huge fight with her I’ve a lot stress atm but she’s not treating me right and I wish she’d realise this but she won’t she praises herself in being a kind honest person

I’ve asked her to go out an evening with just me and her - she won’t as her husband kicks off
I’ve asked her to an event - she loves : won’t go

Last year 3 monyhs I did as she did stopped jumping to her tune meeting onky when she said and she got nasty with me when I told her why she denied it and said lies.

How would you handle this ?

Little lights
I tried last year she kept messaging me and when I made excuses to meet she got nasty and couldn’t see how she was treating me was wrong ?

How do I back off without a fight ?

Let it go. Don't expect someone else to make you happy then you won't get on such a stew when you feel they've let you down. She doesn't sound as invested ss you. You can't make her want to be with you.

I don’t expect anyone to make me happy I expect respect
She lost stupid I love you stuff in my Facebook I don’t do that

I said last year I didn’t meet her or talk to her for 3 monyhs she got really nasty because I wouldn’t sonhiw is that her not being bothered ?

They have bad arguments when they go out together
She doesn’t even ask him if he wants to come ?
Strange that as I was leaving her house yesterday he shouted after me have you left as I come home ?
And he pervs at my boobs and asks me if they are heavy !

Doesn’t sound like he doesn’t like me ?

Clem yes I know but we live 2 minutes walk from each other in a village it’s not easy although we are moving 3 miles away end of the year

you are her friend ot his - i think this is a distiction you have to make, if she wants to go out - tell her to ake the arrangements and meet her - don go out of your way

at the end of he day if someone is treting you like shit - fuck them off , they are not a friend - just someone you have known a long time

Why are you wasting so much time and emotion on these people? Clearly they are not reciprocal. Drop them.

Are all her social events on FB with him? Is she able to socialise without him?

I hate arguments grew up watching my alcoholic father beat my mom daily and last year I did have all intentions of not being in her life so didn’t contact her and daily she’d message me asking why I won’t meet her or why hasn’t she heard from me
When I explained she got really nasty with me and turned it round on me
So I gave in and meet her
Her sister and niece say she treats them the same

I know I’m soft and I need to toughen up

Grockle

Yes they only spend all weekend together
He won’t let her go out alone she won’t let him
She is an alcoholic and she told him she wa going in a spa weekend with friends he said he will end they’re 30 year relationship

Me and her went to lunch Tuesday to a place we always go and tbh the food twice has been abit bad
She said he wagged his finger in her face and said why you going there again who’s there you’d not fonif the food was bad so there’s someone there
She’s the same with him though Ifbhebxomes I’m from work and he’s spoken to a women she cross examines him

Maybe she doesn’t want me around him and he doesn’t want her around my husband ?

She sounds like she can only see you in someone else's home when she is working as a carer? She either finds it easier to talk there or is passing her night getting paid while you entertain her with chat

Her husband sounds horrible. Why on earth do you want to socialise with them both? Just stop asking her to go out and stick to cups of coffee and accept the friendship's limitations. If you can't do that, I'd let the friendship slide whilst letting her know you are there for her if she is in trouble.

I don’t think I can just be there when she needs me and tantrums when I won’t
My feelings are she like you say is using me

She’s had her sister shout at her many times as she’s does the same to her and her daughter

I think I will just drop off her radar it’s better for me I just wanted to see how others thought

Friendship t me is a 2 way street you can’t just expect a person to do as you want that’s not being a friend

Do you not think it’s a bit weird to be friends with someone who’s nasty to you? It’s like you think she can force you to be her friend! If she’s mean to you just say something non committal like ‘That’s a shame that you think I’ve been off with you, anyway, got to go bye!’ And hang up the phone. And don’t answer!

Just back away. When she gets snippy just say “friend, I ask you repeatedly to go to coffee/a meal/the pub etc and you always decline my invitations. So I thought you weren’t interested. ”

Do you want to continue the friendship? If yes, see if there are free things you can do. If not, just keep repeating the above line.

Frankly he sounds vile and borderline abusive. Back away but let her know the communication line is open if she wants to get together.

Smiley as she keeps nagging me to do what she wants and I’m soft hearted she’s says she’s depressed

I have been stupid I see that she tells me every week her and her husband have abusive arguments where he says she screams vile things at him and so I go and listen and then it’s a cycle of the same old shiz
My biggest issue is bumping into her and her being aggressive in public this is why I haven’t broken the friendship off:/

Zoe she’s abusive to him I’ve been in they’re company when she drinks she pulls his hair calls him a little bitch maybe he’s emvrassed by her behaviour but yes your advice is spot on
Next time she contacts me asks me to go round I’ll say yes we can meet I’m fre Saturday evening let’s meet at .....
So I’ve then left it in her court and it’s not me being unfair
If my husband told me I can’t go out after dark I’d lol in his face
I know what she will do she will say well weekends is mine and husbands tome lunch is better or a cuppa so I have to say Saturday evening are all I can do

Thanks

Thankyou all for your honest help it is appreciated

You don't have to cut contact in one fell swoop. You can answer her calls but decline meeting up. Say you have things to do. Do not say what those things are if she asks, just repeat you have things to do. When she rings, cut her calls short. Say you have to go out and will ring her back. Increase the time between calls so instead of ringing her back the following day, wait a couple of days and then ring her back. Again repeat the same thing. Defer everything she suggests rather than declining it outright if you find that easier. Say you have a headache/are having an early night. Don't go into a lot of detail. You are working at dissolving the friendship. In a few weeks, your contact with her will have reduced dramatically and then increase the times yet again. When its her birthday, don't send her a card. That is just confusing. If she mentions it, say oops you never got around to it as you have a lot on your mind/are busy elsewhere.
If all this is too difficult, tell her you are studying for something and all your free time is being used up that way.

However before doing any of the above, make sure you are okay with not having her as a friend anymore as after forty six years, she may be a bigger loss than you anticipate.

Birthday
No not really it’s not a solid 46 year friendship it’s 38 years as back in 2004 I was renting her property and fell pregnant to my then partner she stopped talking to me I found out her new friend lied about me said I said stuff about my friend
8!years on the new firms admitted she lied about me but my friend believed her over me

She sits and slags everyone off to me I don’t get involved then she’s posting I live you to us all so she’s doing to me what she does to them

I don’t want a big fight we live so close and it’s a village and I just want peace

Your ideas are good we Watsapp weekly we don’t call but I will do as you suggest gradually cut back

She not bringing anything to my life and I have been very soft

Tonite was really my eye opener not 24 hours ago did she say they wouldn’t be going out all weekend as money then she lists she wa out drinking in the pub and she drinks very heavily maybe she wants me to ditch her maybe it’s easiwr for her for me to be the bad guy ?

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Think this is all she needs

And he pervs at my boobs and asks me if they are heavy !

Maybe friend doesn't want her DH perving at you all night. Not that that's your fault..