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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask how do other people not care?!

44 replies

chameleonsocks · 09/03/2018 23:33

Everyone around me seems to be so comfortable in themselves and doesn't care what anybody else thinks. They wear what they want, like what they like, etc. and they're never ashamed of any of it - and rightly so! But I don't know how they do it.

I spend so much of my time worrying about what people will think if I do this or that - it mainly relates to trivial things like fashion and make up. It's out of character for me as I don't really care about social stigma, for example I'll easily decline invitations for things I ought to go to because I simply don't want to go.

Is this just an age thing? I'm 20 and admittedly not super secure in myself, but I wonder if anyone else has these silly chains of thought.

For example:
I worry people will think I'm a tart if I wear the only sort of dresses that suit my figure (short). I worry they'll think I'm frumpy if I don't. I'm worried they'll think I'm a poser if I try to dress more fashionably. I'm worried they'll take the piss and call me 'quirky' if I wear flowery Doc Martens. I'm worried that maybe the flowery Doc Martens don't suit me at all in the first place! I'm worried they think I'm completely unattractive. I'm worried they fancy me. I'm worried they can tell I've got foundation on. I'm worried they think my eye makeup is 'a bit much'. I'm worried they think I look rubbish without any makeup at all. etc. etc. etc.

This is all stupid stuff that nobody else seems to care about! Why am I so hung up on all this nonsense? Were/are any of you concerned with this sort of rubbish? Blush

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 09/03/2018 23:38

Yes a lot of it is confidence that comes with age. By the time I was in my 30’s I was much more assertive, confident and happily independent. I have my own style and so long as I’m not hurting others I do what I want to do and wear what I feel comfy in.

Flockoftreegulls · 09/03/2018 23:41

I think you get a bit more confident as you get older.
I have with some things.
A useful thing to remember is that by and large most people don't really notice that much what you wear or how you apply your makeup. Do you study everyone you meet in minute detail? I am betting you don't.
I am sure your confidence will grow with age. If you like wearing short skirts /dresses do it, if you can't do it when you're 20 when can you?
Smile

KeepServingTheDrinks · 09/03/2018 23:43

I do think that lots of this does come with age. I don't think you stop worrying, but the things you worry about change.

I'm nearly 48, and at your age I worried about a lot of the same things as you. I was very tall (still am) super-skinny (no more), but wide hipped, so skirts that were knee length on others were like a belt on me.

I remember being stopped by the police once for a driving thing (which was a nothing) and I was in terror they'd ask me to get out of the car and people might look at me.

Those kind of crippling self-consciousness stuff isn't with me any more.

I hope you learn to accept yourself, because that's the key.

Custardo · 09/03/2018 23:44

think of it like this....everyone in the room is worrying what people thinkk of them - or else they don give a shit. most peole arnt going round pointing at others becuase deep down they are like you - worried to fuck

Onlyoldontheoutside · 09/03/2018 23:44

Believe me,all those super confident women around you feel the same.
You'll look back in your 40s and wonder how the beautiful you of your youth didn't enjoy it or realise what everyone around them could see.
You will get that confidence tomorrow worry about what others think about you but most of us have to do an awful lot of living first.
Enjoy being young and find a look you are happy with(ignore what you think others might think),that will make you feel good adout yourself and other will pick up on.that not the clothes.Find friends ,they won't judge and just enjoy being 20.

Custardo · 09/03/2018 23:45

or you could think of it this way - to thin people are looking and thinking bout you all the tme - i a tad narcasisstic, they aren't

Original poster
chameleonsocks · 09/03/2018 23:45

This has been comforting so far! It's good to hear that even skinny people are worried about this sort of thing, I'm a pear shaped chubba and being almost 5'11 doesn't help! Hopefully all these worries will just go away on their own over time.

OP posts:
pompomcat · 09/03/2018 23:51

How lovely to be so tall @chameleonsocks Smile
One of my favourite sayings is "those who matter don't mind, & those who mind don't matter" and I think it's very true. Be yourself and experiment, wear the Doc Martens and short skirts, have fun!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/03/2018 00:02

Trust me I care very much what people think. I have no shame admitting that at all. Ive never been a take me as I am sort of person. Im 42, so I doubt I'll change, now.

PatriciaBateman · 10/03/2018 00:11

I really like the phrase, "What other people think of you is none of your business."

The truth is, whatever you wear or do, there will be people who approve, and people who disapprove. When do people ever reach a 100% consensus on anything?! They don't!

You can't please everyone, ever. So you may as well please and be true to yourself. The people who 'get' you will gravitate to you, and the people who don't get you will be repelled. Win win!

Puffycat · 10/03/2018 00:14

Welcome to your 20’s😄we’ve all felt the way you feel right now, get out there and go for it! Btw dr m’s are cool in any colour or shape! Be you, be YOU! Loud and proud ma friend. As the great, late Terry Pratchet said, you can’t chose to be a good witch or a bad witch, just be a witch as hard as you can. Go out and be you AS HARD AS YOU CAN

WorraLiberty · 10/03/2018 00:17

That's an awful lot of worry for a 20 year old.

I wonder if social media has anything to do with it?

You've been raised in an age where online photos, 'likes' and 'love hearts' are a massive thing and they're all to do with looks/image.

PerfectlyDone · 10/03/2018 00:20

While I agree that some confidence comes simply with time passing, I do wonder reading your posts whether you have a degree of social anxiety?
The way you think about yourself and others could really be changed and CBT might well be helpful to you.

CadyHeron · 10/03/2018 01:56

I don't think it's just an age thing. Even at 20, I knew what I liked and what I didn't - if people thought my taste was crap,I didn'tcare as I liked it and that was what mattered!
It's all to do with being comfortable in yourself which I always have been.
Never felt the need to wear make up either, and if I do it is very rarely.
Why worry about what others think? You're you. Be you.

Monty27 · 10/03/2018 02:54

Stop seeking approval. Wear things you feel comfortable in. Your boots sound stunning. I have red patent DMS. I am 57.
Always have shiny hair and a confident smile on your face. I wish I was 20 again. Knock them out girl. Never judge or feel judged.
That should get you where too. Enjoy your youth 😀

PinotMwah · 10/03/2018 03:16

I think you could benefit from some CBT or another kind of therapy.

To some extent you do get more comfortable in yourself with age but you need a bedrock of self-belief in the first place.

It sounds as if you are anxious and possibly a bit of a people pleaser. You will get far more out of life if you can learn to be comfortable with yourself and your own choices. Maybe ask the GP?

In the meantime you need to start to instil in yourself that self-belief and confidence is about 80% of success and attractiveness. If you believe yourself to be capable, interesting and attractive you will be. The style of dress you wear or the colour of your make-up is just window-dressing. Also worth remembering that other people notice this sort of thing far less than you do and will take in a very small proportion of the stuff you get anxious about.

ifcatscouldtalk · 10/03/2018 03:32

I think it's in part personality but for me age has changed me. Some sort of I don't give a shit trait hit me in my mid 30s and hasn't left.
I realised a few years ago when I fancied dyeing my hair pink, no big deal in the grand scheme of things. My friend said "won't you feel a bit self conscious?" I said to her " look, if people don't like what I look like they'll have to look the other way."
I would never have felt that way or made that comment at 20. At 20 I'd have gone away and thought maybe I'll look stupid, maybe I'm being silly, maybe I'll not bother now.
It's possible not everyone gets hit by the don't give a shit trait but fingers crossed you will. It's very liberating.
If it's any consolation I'm much better but not brilliant at turning down invites Wink.

pasturesgreen · 10/03/2018 03:58

If there's one thing you learn with age is that other people really don't give a flying fuck what clothes/shoes/makeup you wear. They really don't.

YouCantGetHereFromThere · 10/03/2018 04:01

tart

frumpy
poser
'quirky'
completely unattractive
'a bit much'
rubbish

That's a lot of negative words. When you hear them in your head, whose voice is saying them?

Wintertime4 · 10/03/2018 04:02

Everyone is hung up themselves at 20. Everyone! Most of all the ones who don’t seem like it.

It’s normal. Don’t fret. Go with it. Buy yourself some great shoes.

Oblomov18 · 10/03/2018 04:18

I don't agree that confidence necessarily comes with age. You can meet very young confident people who are just 'accepting' of what they are - their strengths and weaknesses.

Your post does make for sad reading. SadAgree with pp, maybe unfortunately it's the era you've been bought up in, with social media etc.

I think it's a mindset. Confidence doesn't just come, you either have it, or you make it happen. You make a conscious decision that from now on you will worry less about the list of things in your OP.

Chocywockydodahhhhhh · 10/03/2018 07:06

I was like at at 20 op and really shy as well. Now I am mid 30s and really don’t give a dam what others think
I don’t know if it was age or love experience but it was a gradual thing

CrabappleBiscuit · 10/03/2018 07:10

My best advice would be find something you are good at, that you like doing, and makes you feel good and do it.

That gives you confidence. Singing, running, cycling....anything really.

And maybe think about a little bit of counselling, that’s a lot of negatives which is reality will be far outweighed by the positives,,,,

Heartworries · 10/03/2018 07:10

Comes with age and responsibilities. I am 26 but have kids. Since having kids i dont care what people think about what i like or wear but i do now care what people think of us as parents! Every stage of life has different worries

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 10/03/2018 07:16

I use the same saying as @pompomcat and it helped me a lot and I think is very true. I also think it is an age thing. My sister is a similar age to you and like you worries about what people think and everyone on social media etc! I’m in my 30s and although I still care about somethings I don’t really care about the opinions of people who don’t know/care about me! Life is too short and I have other, more important things to worry about! Be yourself! And people will love you for that!

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