To ask how do other people not care?!

[chameleonsocks]

Everyone around me seems to be so comfortable in themselves and doesn't care what anybody else thinks. They wear what they want, like what they like, etc. and they're never ashamed of any of it - and rightly so! But I don't know how they do it.

I spend so much of my time worrying about what people will think if I do this or that - it mainly relates to trivial things like fashion and make up. It's out of character for me as I don't really care about social stigma, for example I'll easily decline invitations for things I ought to go to because I simply don't want to go.

Is this just an age thing? I'm 20 and admittedly not super secure in myself, but I wonder if anyone else has these silly chains of thought.

For example:
I worry people will think I'm a tart if I wear the only sort of dresses that suit my figure (short). I worry they'll think I'm frumpy if I don't. I'm worried they'll think I'm a poser if I try to dress more fashionably. I'm worried they'll take the piss and call me 'quirky' if I wear flowery Doc Martens. I'm worried that maybe the flowery Doc Martens don't suit me at all in the first place! I'm worried they think I'm completely unattractive. I'm worried they fancy me. I'm worried they can tell I've got foundation on. I'm worried they think my eye makeup is 'a bit much'. I'm worried they think I look rubbish without any makeup at all. etc. etc. etc.

This is all stupid stuff that nobody else seems to care about! Why am I so hung up on all this nonsense? Were/are any of you concerned with this sort of rubbish?

Go be a flamingo in a flock of pigeons!!
You be whatever you want to be and do you know what - people will be envious of You! x

I was like this all the way through my childhood and have periods of it now. When I was a child and obsessing about what people would think when they saw me wearing this or that, my mum used to say to me "you're really not THAT important. People have got FAR better things to worry about than what you're wearing" I still tell myself that now if those thoughts crop up.

To quote author Maggie Alderson - if you dont like me in my bikini with my flabby thighs and mum tum here's a piece of advise - get darker sunnies.

You own who you are sweetheart. I have never been a member of the skinny, shiny haired perfect makeup brigade. I'm in the short tubby frizzy haired brigade. Your confidence will grow as you do but here's a few tips i learned from my DH, DM and grandmother.

1. Fake it til you make it. Put that skirt and flowery dms on and strut your stuff girl. You are the only one to decide how to look. If you think you look good then the rest of the world will believe it. This goes along with the next one from DH...

2. Confidence is your hottest accessory. If you look confident you look great no matter what you're wearing.

3. Fashion trends snort who needs 'em (yeah this is grandma. Bless her). Trends are basically created on someone's opinion. Oh this week we're all going to love maxi dresses because I like them. Oops next week its high waisted shorts that your butt hang out of. Find what you are most comfortable in and if that is short skirts and docs so be it! And btw, some of my best friends are the skinny brigade and just last week one of them told me she can't wear anything short because her knees are knobbly her legs are veiny and she looks like a girrafe in a flowery dress. Whodathunkit!

I was exactly the same at your age OP and I still have moments of it now in my 30s. It's always worth remembering that episode of Friends when Phoebe runs. As she says, the people who may see you, only see you for a few seconds and then they're gone, and chances are you'll never see them again.

And also, I think the word 'quirky' is a compliment! It's often used to describe me by friends and family and I wear it like a badge of honour.

I never really cared TBH.

There were occasions that I would go out and feel uncomfortable in what I had chosen, usually I'd get somewhere and feel out of step with others, e.g. I was overdresseed or far too scruffy and causal for the event. I still worry a little bit about gaging the appropriate wear for things.

But day to day, I just wore and wear what ever I felt like wearing.

You can't please everyone, and why would you want to appease someone who would judge you so harshly?

Fuckum it's your life, your body, your face, Not theirs.

You don't have to have "A" look either, you can have lots of looks to suit your mood.

Don't waste your youth like I did, I wished I'd have appreciated myself more and wore that bikini, short skirt, shorts etc while I could, because later I got the confidence it was too late. Don't sweat the small stuff, I'm sure you are lovely and look great.

“You wouldn't worry so much about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they do.”

You say that you’re comfortable with yourself in some areas, and all the things you mention are related to your looks. Is there a particular reason why you’re insecure about your looks? Eg maybe one of your parents used to comment negatively about them? It could be worth trying to unpick this a bit.

I was the same in my 20’s and now quite sad that I didn’t appreciate myself more. I remember going on holiday with a group of friends when i was about 24 and agonising for about 2 days whether to take my T Shirt and shorts off on the beach (bikini underneath) in case anyone thought I was fat.. crippled with anxiety over it. I was about 8.5 stone, fit as a flea, and looking back at the photos now of that holiday, pretty darn hot.. what a waste! Don’t waste your 20’s like I did. I think there’s a book about not giving a fuck? Maybe you should get a copy!

I'm 23 and generally don't give a shit what people think of what I'm wearing or how I look, but when my anxiety flares up I have the same negative stream of consciousness you've written out in your post OP. Maybe have a think about whether these anxieties are worth your time, and try your best to silence the negative thoughts you are having about yourself. Your twenties are going to be the time that you look your 'best' in a society obsessed with looks and youth, enjoy it rather than stressing about what other people think, it really doesn't matter.

I'm a touch taller than you OP (with big huge feet too, how i hated my feet when i was in my 20s). I hated my height and was convinced everyone was staring at me when i was younger. Thing is, i do turn heads - not because im super beautiful but I'm tall and thats unusual. I found once i decided that i was ok with my height I noticed the looks less and when i did notice it didnt worry me like it used to.
Can't really help with how to get comfortable with your looks, but i found a group on Facebook full of tall women - its a second hand tall colthes selling page but there's lots of chat about the joys and pain of being tall too. Lots of other women with the same struggles buying maxi-dresses (which look awesome on us tall women) that actually reach the floor!
Good luck, and remeber most of the people you see that seem to be excuding confidence are probably worrying about the same stuff as you.

Oh OP. I wish I could give you a hug!

Self acceptance and self love is key. You’re so very young and it’s awful to think of all that negative language going around in your head.

Be kind to yourself, maybe try one thing at a time? Go up to the shop in the flowery DM’s and see how it feels?

Long term though I really recommend seeing a therapist. If you can nip the anxiety and negative self talk in the bud now, it will transform the life that is in front of you.

Custardo makes a point, although too bluntly for my taste, that has always sounded reasonable to me: Do you really think so highly of yourself that you believe you're the centre of others' attention? You sound nice & in no way egotistical so I shouldn't have thought so. People are far more likely to be thinking 'What shall I make for dinner tonight?' 'Does a vet need to see the dog?' 'Did the boss see me do that?' than about you.

Bear in mind that most people aren't paying that much attention to what you are doing/wearing. They have their own things to worry about.

Also, ask yourself this: even if someone DOESN'T like what you wear. Why does it matter? What on earth are they going to do about it? If YOU like it, go for it.

at 20 you are still working out what works for you, and being too influenced by fashion and not even by your body shape. I'd say it's time to experiment and have fun! not everything suits everybody, some styles are better on a body shape than another.

It's help to have been "brainwashed" (in the nicest way) by your parents telling you that others do not matter, to trust and be comfortable in your own opinion and only friends and family do care.

For me the trick was to understand that you can be judged whatever you do, whatever you look like so it really doesn't matter. Too slim: people will be jealous and bitchy. Not slim enough: nasty comments will confirm the negative view you have about yourself.

Give yourself the best body shape you can possibly have: if there is something you want to change, at 20 exercise will transform you in a matter of weeks. Once you like what you see, why should you care what other people think?

If you are really not sure, nothing wrong with keeping your style safe. It would be a shame, but there's no age limit on having fun with clothes and be happy with your own body and style! just remember at 20 you have firm smooth skin and nothing to hide.

I work in a male environment and very corporate. I have turned up on casual Fridays with very short dresses (no cleavage though) and high boots. Who cares if someone thought it was tarty? There are just jealous

oh sorry, that was long

I worry people will think I'm a tart if I wear the only sort of dresses that suit my figure (short). I worry they'll think I'm frumpy if I don't. I'm worried they'll think I'm a poser if I try to dress more fashionably. I'm worried they'll take the piss and call me 'quirky' if I wear flowery Doc Martens. I'm worried that maybe the flowery Doc Martens don't suit me at all in the first place!

I used to be like this. It changed in my late 20s when I educated myself on how to dress for different situations, how to use clothes to project an image and how to dress in a way that flatters my figure. It was around the time I had my first well paying full time job, so suddenly I had more money to spend on clothes. I threw out my old cheap studenty stuff. How you dress affects your confidence and how others perceive you.

How do you want to look?
For work I need to look chic and sophisticated. So I have several pairs of black trousers in a fashionable cut that is also flattering. They're heavy jersey material, soft and comfortable. I wear them with silk blouses in summer, cashmere jumpers in winter. Light natural make-up. Hair blow-dried smooth and pinned up.

For toddler groups I want to look approachable and relaxed. I wear oversized sweaters in colours and textures I love. I only have 2 pairs of jeans but they fit perfectly so I always feel good in them. A warm coat with matching boots and bag. Cotton dresses over leggings in summer, with comfortable sandals that don't rub.

When I was a student I used to wear all sorts of mismatched patterns and clashing colours. I never felt 'right' in anything. I either wore no make-up or too much. I wore short skirts and low cut tops because it was the norm then felt embarrassed by the attention.

Dress in a way that makes you feel confident, attractive and comfortable. Put time and energy into finding out what suits you, even if it means trying on lots of things in shops. Shop wisely so you have things that go together. Research the colour wheel. Learn to do make up really well. If in doubt keep it subtle. If flowery doc martens make you feel awkward, try something more mainstream.

Good luck

Oh and I'm 5ft10 so I know what you mean about height making you feel different. When you're tall you're more noticeable. I love it now because I'm confident, but when I was younger I longed to blend in. I went through a stage of buying all my clothes in Long Tall Sally but a lot of their stuff is frumpy and dated. Try Next Tall range, Boden long, Tallgirls, Zara.

Most people are quite self-obsessed, particularly so in the era of the narcissist’s heaven, social media. They are so busy thinking about themselves that they don’t have much time to think about you.

Anyway, whatever you do, say or wear people are going to think what people want to think. You can’t control that, just as others can’t control what you think.

So why bother worrying about something which is completely outside your control?