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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Social anxiety and meanness

35 replies

AmiU · 09/03/2018 23:27

DH suffers from depression and anxiety, he is medicated for these. He also has severe social anxiety. I know he feels quite insecure around new people and I feel bad for him. We hardly ever socialise as a couple, but when we do he seems to try to counter his social anxiety by being mean to/ about me. It's embarrassing and a bit horrible for me.
Just got back from a couples dinner and the other couple were normally nice, complimenting each other on small achievements or traits (diy, good cook, funny etc). DH offered the following about me:

  • she says she can speak language X but she's quite rubbish at it
  • she can't cook (I love to cook and I'm a good cook)
  • she's not really family orientated
  • she got her license but she's too slow/ anxious to get anywhere
  • I only married her when my other options closed
  • I took too long to park (admittedly I'm not a good driver) and he muttered 'idiot'

If I say anything he acts like I'm being sensitive/ dramatic for not taking a joke. Maybe he's socially awkward enough to think it is a joke?

But now I'm sitting here feeling sad and embarrassed.

OP posts:
Strokethefurrywall · 09/03/2018 23:29

Social anxiety is not an excuse for acting like a shit.
I would be incredibly hurt about those things especially one on top of the other.
The "I only married you when my other options closed" would illicit some storming out.
But how is he normally? Does he show appreciation when not around others or in a social environment??

Rollonweekend · 09/03/2018 23:55

Seriously, that’s not ok at all. I’ve never heard of social anxiety generating that sort of behaviour. I get he maybe is awkward or wants to deflect attention away from himself to you but he could just as equallly do it by saying pleasant things surely...
I think you need to tell him how hurtful it is for you and also how socially inappropriate it is if that’s his major concern when he’s with company.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 09/03/2018 23:59

I had very severe social anxiety for years; I was virtually housebound, but when I had to go out, I was never mean to DH. I was grateful he was there to support me.

His social anxiety is not an excuse for meanness; social anxiety does not make someone a jerk.

pompomcat · 10/03/2018 00:00

^ what @Strokethefurrywall said
Also-you poor thing, OP Thanks That must have been really hard to sit through and I can only imagine that you feel sad and furious now. Do you think that deep down he knows how awful these the things he said are, & is just being defensive now?

Lostin3dspace · 10/03/2018 00:00

Hmm. I guess it's quite possible to be a total arsehole at the same time as having anxiety issues. I don't think one is caused by the other.

Perhaps he is deliberately behaving badly so that you go home and he has his excuse not to socialise any longer though...

If you do nothing new though, the same will occur next time. I would be very tempted to move out / have him move out for a time. Something has to be different at any rate...

DalekDalekDalek · 10/03/2018 00:05

Not trying to excuse his behaviour at all because it really isn't nice but could it be that he is panicking in an uncomfortable situation and literally just saying anything that comes into his mind without having any filter. I know I do it when I'm nervous. I'm not mean but I literally say total bollocks and afterwards I just wonder what on Earth I was thinking.

JustHereForThePooStories · 10/03/2018 00:05

My husband struggles hugely with anxiety and social situations. He’s undergone hospitalization and extensive therapy.

He’s not an abusive prick though, so he’s never treated me like that.

Ruffian · 10/03/2018 00:14

No, that behaviour can't be explained or justified as down to his anxiety problems. You have lived through his problems with him, presumably supported him and tried to understand and this is how he treats you? That's very wrong.

ReanimatedSGB · 10/03/2018 00:17

Shitty people can also have MH issues, and remain shitty even when those MH issues are under control. (The two individuals I dislike the most in this world, both of whom have plagued and pestered me for years, both have MH issues. Doesn't stop them also being complete shits.)

I think your H is using his 'condition' as an excuse to be obnoxious.

DrunkUnicorn · 10/03/2018 00:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/03/2018 03:11

Don't allow him to gaslight you. Having anxiety issues is no excuse for being a complete asshole.

Stpancras · 10/03/2018 03:37

This is my Dad. To a tee. Don’t stay with him and put up with this for a lifetime as my mother has. It has all sorts of impacts on your kids, too.

IslingtonLou · 10/03/2018 03:54

That’s not normal with social anxiety - it would be normal if he was speaking about himself that way. However it could be a manifestation of how he sees himself; as it seems like he’s trying to shift the conversation from him to you, and is avoiding talking about himself. Could be a mirror as to how he views himself.

Cavender · 10/03/2018 04:04

You need to address this behaviour with him.

It’s completely unacceptable and the anxiety is not an excuse.

Don’t be embarrassed, the other couple will not think badly of you.

Wintertime4 · 10/03/2018 04:06

Actually I think next time, confront him there and then and say ‘ouch! That’s a bit hurtful. Don’t be mean.’

Talk to him.

If he doesn’t see it. Start going out without him and find your confidence again.

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2018 04:06

@AmiU your husband sounds like a prize prat.

For starters I would be making sure he did the driving in future if he feels your driving is not to scratch, then you can have a drink and comment on his parking. Plus if he is such a great cook, he'd be doing all the cooking.

What did the other couple say or do. That sounds so embarrassing. I am sorry that is horrible.

Seriously, sit him down and explain how his comments were rude, unpleasant and embarrassing.

Is he getting help for his anxiety?

I've had anxiety and guess what, it never made me rude.

So I'd give him a choice to shape up or perhaps go for some counselling to get himself in order.

" I only married her when my other options closed", why did you marry him, what did you feel for him.

There may be one of these comments that is bothering him, is there any issue about starting a family? Does he want to and you not? I would not blame you feeling uncertain and he is certainly not doing anything there to make you feel cherished.

Thanks
Oblomov18 · 10/03/2018 04:12

This is not normal. You do know that, don't you?

seventh · 10/03/2018 05:37

Oh my god. He sounds unhinged. Social anxiety makes him mean to you? He needs help.

Clandestino · 10/03/2018 05:44

He's a twat. A twat will always be a twat, doesn't matter what the label.

Pleasebeafleabite · 10/03/2018 05:56

I would write down the list of comments you gave given us, pin it up snd say this is the long list of comments you made about me in just one night

I am going to ask people who come to the house whether they think it’s acceptable that you talk about me in this way.

Basically shame him. If he does it in public again call him out in front of other people and say you’re doing it again it’s not funny. Treat him like the child he is. Actually, no, my children are nicer.

FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 10/03/2018 06:03

I would write down the list of comments you gave given us, pin it up snd say this is the long list of comments you made about me in just one night

This

CommanderDaisy · 10/03/2018 06:19

That has nothing to do with social anxiety, and everything to do with being an asshole.

When he does it next time you go out here are some steps to take.
Warn him once - "please don't speak about me that way"
He does it again - Interupt the conversation. Stand up.
Apologise politely to your friends saying something along the line of
" I apologise for leaving , but I refuse to sit here and be spoken to like that. I'll call you later".
Take the car keys and leave .
Don't wait in the car for him .
Go home without him.

Repeat as necessary.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 10/03/2018 06:22

it's quite possible to be a total arsehole at the same time as having anxiety issues. I don't think one is caused by the other.

This^^

I suspect he’s a total arsehole AND he has social anxiety. He is not an arsehole BECAUSE he has social anxiety. I’d have torn a strip off my dh, or anyone really, if he’d said those things to me.

Isetan · 10/03/2018 07:51

Your DH is a socially anxious arsehole. He’s obviously taken the beat someone down to elevate himself approach to distracting himself and others from his issues, not understanding that people are more understanding of the socially anxious than they are of arseholes.

Pull him up on it everytime but I’d rather limit my time with arseholes.

OneInEight · 10/03/2018 07:55

Does he treat you like this in non social situations. If not then it is probably anxiety causing the difficulty.

I guess then you have to decide whether you would prefer to choose to go to restrict to social events where he can cope & not show undesirable behaviour, go on your own to social events or decide on balance that the pleasure of going to the social event exceeds the irritation of the verbal comments. Alternatively in true mumsnet tradition LTB, however, before you do think that whilst the comments are unkind you perhaps are being unkind yourself but taking him to a situation that he finds stressful.