Social anxiety and meanness

[AmiU]

DH suffers from depression and anxiety, he is medicated for these. He also has severe social anxiety. I know he feels quite insecure around new people and I feel bad for him. We hardly ever socialise as a couple, but when we do he seems to try to counter his social anxiety by being mean to/ about me. It's embarrassing and a bit horrible for me.
Just got back from a couples dinner and the other couple were normally nice, complimenting each other on small achievements or traits (diy, good cook, funny etc). DH offered the following about me:

• she says she can speak language X but she's quite rubbish at it
• she can't cook (I love to cook and I'm a good cook)
• she's not really family orientated
• she got her license but she's too slow/ anxious to get anywhere
• I only married her when my other options closed
• I took too long to park (admittedly I'm not a good driver) and he muttered 'idiot'

If I say anything he acts like I'm being sensitive/ dramatic for not taking a joke. Maybe he's socially awkward enough to think it is a joke?

But now I'm sitting here feeling sad and embarrassed.

That's not social anxiety, that's just being a prat. I have social anxiety and it certainly wouldn't occur to me to be unkind about my DH/anyone else. I really don't see the connection, it's called an excuse. I really hate MH issues being used to justify treating someone else like shit.

And I hate it when people like that say they're 'only joking'.

Let him do all the driving and cooking if he's so great at it, as a PP has said.

I have a family member with Aspergers who does this. They have no insight into it. I have had to grow an very thick skin.

This is just nasty behaviour, social anxiety or not! Do you call him out on it? What does he say? Does he claim he can’t help it because of the anxiety?

I know a lot of people with social anxiety in my line of work and none of them use it as an excuse for being a cunt. In fact, they are usually more mindful about how they treat and make others feel because they are hyper aware of how they feel and how it would make them look, plus empathy would force them to care extra for how they make somebody else feel

That's not social anxiety. He doesn't think much of you. I'd be packing.

This is absolutely unacceptable in every way. He's using his social anxiety as an excuse to belittle you.

LtB

My sister does this. Then calls me sensitive if I object. Luckily I don’t see much of her.

It doesn’t sound like anxiety. It sounds like he’s just an arsehole.

Some people with social anxiety are nice, some people are not. Your DH appears to use his social anxiety as an excuse for being rude and unpleasant. What would happen if you challenged him on his behaviour?

Not trying to excuse his behaviour at all because it really isn't nice but could it be that he is panicking in an uncomfortable situation and literally just saying anything that comes into his mind without having any filter. I know I do it when I'm nervous. I'm not mean but I literally say total bollocks and afterwards I just wonder what on Earth I was thinking.
I agree with this ^^. I could see myself making really stupid comments that I meant as jokes just because I was nervous & desperate to say something, and then realising afterwards that they were absolute shite. I wouldn't for a second mean them seriously, but I'd panic and say the wrong thing. I frequently say the wrong thing - for me it's autism & a bit of potential social anxiety thrown in. It'll be 'funny' comments that make sense in my head but don't when I say them because no-one else can see the background in my head. Or serious comments that aren't remotely relevant. All sorts of things. It's crap - I end up feeling like I'd be better off remaining silent constantly.

As others here said, this is who he is, not his anxiety speaking. I have anxiety and I do not go around putting others down. Anxiety is used too often as an excuse for horrible behaviour.