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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to visit

28 replies

GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 21:48

I want to visit DM but just seem unable to find the courage to speak to DP about it. DM lives a few hundred miles away and so if I visit, I like to go for a week. However we always argue whenever I suggest I want to go and visit her and so I have become anxious raising the subject now. It has been a month now I have been trying to ask about visiting DM but I just can't find the courage to discuss it with DP. AIBU to visit DM? I don't think so!

OP posts:
strawberrysparkle · 09/03/2018 21:50

Don't ask, just tell! Just say 'I'm going to see my mum, when is a good time for you?' And then you can arrange it on minimal disruptions for him also.

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:02

Thank you Strawberry. I don't know why it should be so troublesome

OP posts:
strawberrysparkle · 09/03/2018 22:07

Visiting your family shouldn't be an issue, is everything else ok?

lollipopjones · 09/03/2018 22:07

Why do you argue because you want to visit your DM?

IlikemyTeahot · 09/03/2018 22:09

have you posted a similar question before?
x

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:18

Teahot No I havent.

Lolli It just always seems to be a problem for one reason or another. I end up feeling on edge.

Strawberry Thank you. Not really but wouldn't know where to start

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 09/03/2018 22:29

Are you expecting DP to come with you?

AgainPlease · 09/03/2018 22:31

I'm confused. What exactly is he arguing with you about re you wanting to see your mum?

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:32

Sorry am being rather vague with answers but DP is on mumsnet and am trying to avoid recognition

OP posts:
babydreamer1 · 09/03/2018 22:34

Absolutely not. What on earth has it got to do with him when you go to see your own mother? Presumably you're not asking him to go, your going alone? Do you have DC? If so would he be expected to care for them himself? His behaviour seems very controlling and isolating, and what I would term domestic abuse given you need to 'pluck up courage' and appear to be afraid of him. Go and visit DM and take the time to consider wether you should be in this relationship at all. No one person should control another in a relationship, you should be able to raise any topic and see family and friends when ever you like without being fearful of a negative reaction. Just tell him your going and go. Clearly if he is ever aggressive or intimidating call the police.

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:42

Thank you Babydreamer. No DC . I prefer to go alone as I want to stay a week and DO wouldn't want to stay that long plus moans about everything

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:44

*DP

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 09/03/2018 22:45

What else does he stop you doing hun?

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:49

Windows my family can't come and stay.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 09/03/2018 22:51

I'm definitely experiencing deja vu with this one.

Idontdowindows · 09/03/2018 22:53

Why does he not want you to see your family, or have your family over, does he say?

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 22:58

Windows says it's to do with anxiety having family stay

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 09/03/2018 23:01

It is not normal to be so frightened of making such a perfectly reasonable suggestion to your partner.

It is not normal to only ever visit your mother without your partner because your partner behaves badly when you both visit her.

You don't have to ask his permission, you know? You are an independent adult and can do whatever you want. Make a plan with your mum and then just do it. HE IS NOT THE BOSS OF YOU.

Snoopey · 09/03/2018 23:02

Why can't your family come and stay in your home?

From what I gather from your posts - DP is trying to isolate you from your mum / family - this is a form of domestic abuse...

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 23:03

Thank you Hedda

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 23:04

It causes DP anxiety Snoopey

OP posts:
StickingWithIt · 09/03/2018 23:05

OP is he on MN because he knows you use it and wants to check what you're saying? If so, that's not normal.

He doesn't have the right to control who you see.

What exactly are you scared he's going to do?

I agree with PP. Tell him you're going, go, and spend your time there thinking about what's in this relationship for you.

Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 23:09

Sticking no, DP joined MN before me. Doesn't know my username. May figure out this is me if reads thread though.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlsBlouse17 · 09/03/2018 23:10

It is late and must go. Will follow up tomorrow. Thank you

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 09/03/2018 23:18

Well if I had to guess and giving your husband the benefit of the doubt that he's not being controlling and trying to isolate you... I'd think maybe your husband doesn't get along with your Mom and there's some longstanding bad blood there?

Or maybe he doesn't like how she acts towards you or has in the past?

But you're an adult and if you want to have a relationship with your Mom and visit her then it's not very supportive or kind for your partner to have a fit over it and you certainly don't need permission to do so.