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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this

51 replies

user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:43

I am an Au-Pair working for a single Dad and his child. It's a bit of a long story, sorry in advance if this is confusing.
So basically, the dad had been gone on a holiday for a couple of weeks, leaving his DC behind (upset, missed him terribly). He came back this morning.
He has already requested me to babysit the next two weeks (per mail, friendly, no problem), but yesterday he sent a message on WhatsApp saying I also needed to babysit tomorrow night. No question so I felt like I had to say "okay" (I am not good at saying no because I don't want to appear lazy)
Problem: My mum is coming for mother's day, not staying with us but in a hotel nearby, weekends are generally my time off and I don't need to ask if I can do stuff (agreement says occasional babysitting, tbh after two weeks already planned and given the fact that he just returned from being away for weeks I thought he wouldn't need me for that weekend as well). We had tickets to see a Ballett and so on. I managed to get a refund for the tickets and now my mum and I will take DC with us for dinner etc. and then take him home.
I tried to ask subtly if it was really necessary (like: "Could my mum at least come in the evening as she is coming for mother's Day, we had tickets etc.") and I know IWBU for not putting my foot down and saying no but he just has that sort of"authority" if you get what I mean. I talked to DCs mum (She's lovely and really tried to help) but she is not available and I really didn't want her to worry too much or pit her against her ex as they are doing a great job co-parenting and I also don't want them to think I don't take my job serious or don't appreciate it. I also feel guilty that I think "Ugh, now DC is tagging along", please don't get me wrong, I love them to bits but I had been looking forward to spending time with my mum and also they won't be in their best mood because they actually just want to spend time with dad. Of course we won't let DC know, we have planned a fab evening with pub dinner and a walk and an evening of board games back home but still
AIBU to be upset...
a) about him valuing his free time over mine (I have been working all the time he was gone so I didn't just have the time off)
b) about having to cancel the mother's day treat for my mum (She's a bit upset but understands and mostly feels sorry for DC)
c) on DCs behalf as they really missed their dad and are quite upset that he already leaves them with their babysitter after only being home a bit more than 24 hours

sorry if this is confusing with they/them but this could be outing and I really don't want any of them to know how much this actually upsets me because I just smiled and muttered "it's fine" and re-arranged my weekend because I am a weak people pleaser. Guess I just needed to get this off my chest

OP posts:
LimonViola · 09/03/2018 20:45

YANBU at all! You're an employee. Working in someone's home doesn't mean you give up normal employee rights.

Do you have a contract that states weekends are free unless you agree to a shift?

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:49

Yes. And the thing is that I agreed reluctantly and sorted it out (As I said, I am an idiot who can't say no) and I live with them. I mean it's not the end of the world but it still bothers me

OP posts:
Arapaima · 09/03/2018 20:51

YANBU. He is being totally unreasonable.

Gide · 09/03/2018 20:53

I’m sorry, but you’re a doormat. You had tickets. Why didn’t you just tell him you weren’t available? Tell him he needs to give you a week’s warning in future and if you already have arrangements that you can’t cancel them.

Tell him if you’ve paid for something/have people coming down, you will not be available. Don’t be a mug and let him walk all over you.

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:55

I know I should have been harder and I am quite mad at myself for this to be honest. I also don't want DC to feel "unwanted" though

OP posts:
LimonViola · 09/03/2018 20:55

Sorry OP but you're teaching him how to treat you and to disrespect you.

It's not actually his fault if he asked you to do it and you agreed to. Though I fully understand it's hard to assert yourself when your employment and income depends on him and you're in his home, I really do.

I suggest you look into some self help methods for assertiveness or maybe even therapy if you can to learn to respect your own boundaries. As this sort of thing will come up your entire life.

SparklyMagpie · 09/03/2018 20:56

What the hell is he doing that he needs you to look after his children yet again?

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:58

I am working on this. Unfortunately I am quite young so people don't always take me seriously

He is going for dinner and a show with his new gf

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:59

I am aware of my issue, what bothers me almost more is that he doesn't seem to care how it makes his DC feel (Spoiler alert: definitely not happy)

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2018 21:00

Wonder what his attitude to his ex was like!!

I would tell him that the DC are very upset and really want to spend time with him and you had plans you can't rearrange with your Mum. It's not too late to have this conversation with him today.

iwanttoeatallthecarbs · 09/03/2018 21:02

Err no. I'd message him back and say 'unfortunately my Mum and I can't reschedule our plans so this weekend won't be possible. In future please give me xxxx notice before any babysitting outside of normal work hours.'
And then go and re purchase your tickets!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 09/03/2018 21:03

AuPair hours are limited though (quick search on GovUK says 30 hours/week) so he is majorly taking the piss.

Fishface77 · 09/03/2018 21:03

YABU for rearranging your plans. Sorry you have no one to blame but yourself.
But you know that now so plan on what you will do next time. Have a script ready in your head. Practice it if you have to.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 21:04

People can be assertive and command respect at any age, OP. I've met fourteen year olds I wouldn't mess with!

And people continue to be pushovers and doormats until their last breath.

I'm glad you're working on it. How's that going? What are you doing?

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:06

I have already returned the tickets and got reservations for dinner so I am afraid it's too late. It will definitely be the last time I am doing this on such short notice and I will let him know that DC missed him (it's obe DC, just don't want to say if it's boy or girl). I just feel obligated to do so much because I get paid more than usual for not having as many children to take care of as others

OP posts:
lakeshoreliving · 09/03/2018 21:06

You are not a nanny, he is taking major advantage. What was your initial agreement? Remind him of it. You must have done way more than your hours. Are you getting paid overtime?

RandomMess · 09/03/2018 21:09

He's giving you au pair rates for a nannying job though...

2 weeks full time care - utterly unreasonable for an au pair supposed to be a "big sister" helping out job!

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:10

I practice saying "no" in lots of situations (there were times where I couldn't pass all those people asking for donations and so on) and I apparently seem to have perfected a resting bitch face so they don't even try anymore. I come from a very small place where people used to help each other out all the time so I was basically raised to politely smile and nod and say yes.
For the next visitor I have already made plans and I will announce them before my boss can announce his plans. Thanks to you all for giving me that well deserved/needed kick in the bum

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:12

It wasn't full care, I had DC during the day and brought them to mum's in the evening when she had finished work, so I really just did school runs and afternoon entertainment

OP posts:
category12 · 09/03/2018 21:12

It's done now, but next time take a few deep breaths and say "that won't be possible".

Iloveacurry · 09/03/2018 21:12

You’re not making the DC feel unwanted, their father is. You should have said no sorry I’m unavailable as I have plans.

LimonViola · 09/03/2018 21:13

Highly recommend you work through this on your days off OP. It's brilliant.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Print out the first module and take yourself off to a nice coffee shop with a pen next weekend.

RandomMess · 09/03/2018 21:14

You need a shared calendar where you block out your time!!

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:14

@LimonViola

thanks a lot, I really appreciate it

OP posts:
londonmummy1966 · 09/03/2018 21:17

Oh darling you are so lovely - don't let him walk all over you - practice saying no in front of a mirror so you are ready for next time - you shouldn't have sole charge as an au pair - tell him you expect nanny rates when you have it.

If you are in London do you want to come and work for me - 2 polite teenage dc?