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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset about this

51 replies

user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 20:43

I am an Au-Pair working for a single Dad and his child. It's a bit of a long story, sorry in advance if this is confusing.
So basically, the dad had been gone on a holiday for a couple of weeks, leaving his DC behind (upset, missed him terribly). He came back this morning.
He has already requested me to babysit the next two weeks (per mail, friendly, no problem), but yesterday he sent a message on WhatsApp saying I also needed to babysit tomorrow night. No question so I felt like I had to say "okay" (I am not good at saying no because I don't want to appear lazy)
Problem: My mum is coming for mother's day, not staying with us but in a hotel nearby, weekends are generally my time off and I don't need to ask if I can do stuff (agreement says occasional babysitting, tbh after two weeks already planned and given the fact that he just returned from being away for weeks I thought he wouldn't need me for that weekend as well). We had tickets to see a Ballett and so on. I managed to get a refund for the tickets and now my mum and I will take DC with us for dinner etc. and then take him home.
I tried to ask subtly if it was really necessary (like: "Could my mum at least come in the evening as she is coming for mother's Day, we had tickets etc.") and I know IWBU for not putting my foot down and saying no but he just has that sort of"authority" if you get what I mean. I talked to DCs mum (She's lovely and really tried to help) but she is not available and I really didn't want her to worry too much or pit her against her ex as they are doing a great job co-parenting and I also don't want them to think I don't take my job serious or don't appreciate it. I also feel guilty that I think "Ugh, now DC is tagging along", please don't get me wrong, I love them to bits but I had been looking forward to spending time with my mum and also they won't be in their best mood because they actually just want to spend time with dad. Of course we won't let DC know, we have planned a fab evening with pub dinner and a walk and an evening of board games back home but still
AIBU to be upset...
a) about him valuing his free time over mine (I have been working all the time he was gone so I didn't just have the time off)
b) about having to cancel the mother's day treat for my mum (She's a bit upset but understands and mostly feels sorry for DC)
c) on DCs behalf as they really missed their dad and are quite upset that he already leaves them with their babysitter after only being home a bit more than 24 hours

sorry if this is confusing with they/them but this could be outing and I really don't want any of them to know how much this actually upsets me because I just smiled and muttered "it's fine" and re-arranged my weekend because I am a weak people pleaser. Guess I just needed to get this off my chest

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/03/2018 21:23

I think you need to tell themjm
You had an emergency and can’t do the evening when your mum is visiting.

Good luck to them in finding another au pair that can put with such selfish behaviour.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 09/03/2018 21:24

And by that tell both parents, so nice you can be babysitting for weeks so they can disappear as if there were no child in the equation.

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:24

Oh you sound lovely but unfortunately I am not in London. I also wouldn't leave for DC's sake (only if I really had to) because we have bonded quite well and I don't know how they would take it. Thank you so much for the offer though

OP posts:
CaptainCardamom · 09/03/2018 21:27

He sounds very selfish and entitled, and when people are like that it can be very hard to say no because you’re not just saying no, you’re challenging their assumptions. But he is seriously taking you for a ride and upsetting his child as well. It is reasonable to say you want to stick to your agreement unless there is plenty of notice and you are available. I think it sounds as if he’s using you to basically enjoy a child-free lifestyle.

I have a book suggestion for you, A Woman in your Own Right by Anne Dickson. It helped me understand why I was a people pleaser and how to be assertive without feeling mean or being scared of the outcome. You can get better at this! Meanwhile have a nice time with your mum.

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:27

Exactly. I think it's incredibly unfair to the child. This should be a dad-weekend and not an "Au-Pair and her mum weekend". We are good friends but I can't replace a parent. And DC idolises dad and desperately just wants to be noticed and spend time with him

OP posts:
Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:30

Thank you for that suggestion and for understanding @CaptainCardamom
Mostly we all get along great and I like my job and this place and working with DC but this thing has just baffled me

OP posts:
CaptainCardamom · 09/03/2018 21:35

I think the new girlfriend probably has a lot to do with it. He’s probably desperate to impress her / spend loads of time with her and concern for DC has gone out of the window.

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:38

She's staying over quite often and seems to be a genuinely nice person who also appears to show some interest in DC but it still could have something to do with this.
I am not sure though (maybe because my stepmother never gave a twig about me or dsis) if it's just being friendly or genuine interest

OP posts:
HermionesRightHook · 09/03/2018 21:43

Unfortunately I think it's too late to do anything about this now without causing an almighty ruck, and I don't think that would help you practice your assertiveness right now.

In future, one way to help with this is to not say anything straight away - he's helping with this by issuing his preremptory edicts by WhatsApp. Next time it happens, take a few moments, think 'Is this appropriate for him to ask me given [circumstances e.g. how much you've worked that week]? Have I already got plans? Do I want to do this?' and if the answer is no, then grit your teeth and send that politely back.

Unfortunately we teach people how to treat us and right now he's treating you like you're always available to pick up his slack, so it might take a bit of work to retrain the way he reacts to you. The earlier you start the the better.

Don't apologise and don't explain* - if that maxim is good enough for the queen and Kate Moss it's good enough for you. "Unfortunately that's not possible" is an excellent polite phrase to keep repeating.

(*unless you've actually done something wrong of course, then apologies and explanations are reasonable!)

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:52

I know it's too late for now, I will just try to enjoy tomorrow anyway and try practicing to stand up for myself.
Can't remember doing anything wrong, I even deep cleaned the house as I was paranoid he might find something to complain about.
Thanks for your input and help, greatly appreciated

OP posts:
littlemisscomper · 09/03/2018 21:52

Nosy question, but how much are you being paid? Aupairs generally get around £10pw. If you're in sole charge while the parents are away then you're proxy parenting, for which you should be earning a MINIMUM of £100 for 24 hours!! Don't let them take advantage!

littlemisscomper · 09/03/2018 21:53

Aupairs usually get £100 a week, that was meant to say!

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 21:57

I get 440£ a month for childcare and light housework plus 10£ per hour babysitting. I never do sole care, when the father isn't home, I take DC to mum's to have dinner and sleep there. I live in the house, have full board so I suppose it's actually quite generous. It's also my first job away from home so I just really want to be "perfect" and do everything the right way

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2018 22:08

So you are just getting standard au pair rates.

Original poster
user123456789101112 · 09/03/2018 22:10

I know Au-Pairs who have two or three children and only get paid 85£ a week, but yes, standard rate or maybe just a bit better

OP posts:
overnightangel · 09/03/2018 22:12

I’d certainly be asking for overtime pay

UnsuspectedItem · 10/03/2018 03:57

This isn't babysitting, it's proxy parenting.
I bloody hope he's paying you for it.
The job you're describing is a Nanny, not an aunt pair, so your salary should be in the region of £400 a week, not £80/100

UnsuspectedItem · 10/03/2018 03:58

X post, sorry.

You need to find another job.

hesterton · 10/03/2018 04:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2018 04:09

The thing is they are not "doing a great job at co-parenting". Because you are doing it.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/03/2018 04:09

The thing is they are not "doing a great job at co-parenting". Because you are doing it.

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2018 04:12

Your boss is treating you and his kids appallingly, IMHO.

Sit down, have a chat, explain about the tickets and the fact you felt pressurized into agreeing.

If I am honest I would probably start looking for another job.

Based on what you have said he really is cheeky and rather unfeeling man. Please stand up to him because his kids probably can't either.

Italiangreyhound · 10/03/2018 04:14

YOU are doing the parenting job here.

violetbunny · 10/03/2018 04:23

I would ask to speak to him when he gets back. Tell him you understood the arrangement with regards to babysitting and the number of hours you work was XYZ but based on his recent requests it seems you both have different expectations of what "occasional babysitting" outside your usual hours entails and how much notice should be given. Be upfront that this is not what you signed up for, and what you expect going forward. If it's clear after this conversation that he still expects you to be his live in 24/7 nanny then you need to find another job ASAP.

Rosielily · 10/03/2018 04:51

I even deep cleaned the house as I was paranoid he might find something to complain about.

This concerns me, especially as you go on to say your duties include light housework.

Does he complain, and if so what about? It seems to me he is in danger of overstepping boundaries here too and taking advantage.