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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not accept this bday present

29 replies

Elle8989 · 09/03/2018 19:21

Every bday or xmas my parents always go OTT. I ask them year after year please spend a fair amount as I have real difficulty accepting really expensive presents. We don't get on well and I just feel wrongly or rightly like they are power tripping. One bday I said please spend a reasonable amount. They spent far too much and I refused the present which led to a massive argument about how it's not for me to decide what they get me. So I got nothing. Since then it's the same.

This bday they said will you accept such amount of money (too much) and I've ignored the message. I asked them before my bday again to get me something normal.

Many would say it's up to them and not my business. But they know I have issues so why keep doing it. I'd be so happy with flowers and a tenner or a little ornament or mug ect. It's more the point they know it annoys me and still do it. Like I said we don't get on that well so I feel massive anxiety accepting it as it feels like dirty money!

OP posts:

MrsPicklesonSmythe · 09/03/2018 19:22

Is it really worth the rows?
Give it to charity if it bothers you that much.

PearlyG8 · 09/03/2018 19:22

I can swap you an unreasonable amount of money for a very nice teeny tiny ornament

StepAwayFromGoogle · 09/03/2018 19:24

Perhaps they think you do get on well and want to treat you on special occasions?! I don't think that's unreasonable...

pinkpantherpink · 09/03/2018 19:24

Bank it or donate it to charity and treat yourself to a bunch of daffs x

ShiftyMcGifty · 09/03/2018 19:25

Why do you not get on?

Probably the answer to your question.

I’m guessing they’ve been very controlling? Because I can’t imagine my parents getting pissed off with me if I said token gifts only please, you’ve done enough for me already Mum and Dad.

Helpimfalling · 09/03/2018 19:26

I'm sorry but one day I can see myself being guilty on the same thing with my kids if I was fortunate enough to be in the financial position to be able to afford it

LeighaJ · 09/03/2018 19:27

Tbh it doesn't sound worth the drama to have an argument over it, cuz they sound like the never gonna change types. I'd just accept the money and donate the portion of it I considered excessive.

GummyGoddess · 09/03/2018 19:28

If they know it upsets you and they keep doing it then that is their problem, surely they should want a present to make you happy.

Can you message back and say no thank you, or will that lead to an argument?

Oysterbabe · 09/03/2018 19:53

Accept it, thank them and tell them which charity you donated it to each time. I reckon they'd reel it in pretty soon. And if not then a charity gets the benefit.

Snowmagedon · 09/03/2018 20:21

Op are you financially stable, will there ever be a time when your in your knees desperate and they can help?
I totally understand power tripping and controlling with money but do they expect anything from it.
It's just unless your totally financially stable I'd just accept it the money as its freedom.

What happens wen they die?

Oooeeeerrrrrindeed · 09/03/2018 20:28

Squirrel it away. On the plus side these gifts wont be taxed years down the line should you inherit. The saved money could be used to support them in their older age or for family celebrations (wedding anniversaries).
If it's for a secret list of things you'd like to do for them or others, even secretive acts of kindness, would that be ok?

Grace1980 · 09/03/2018 21:01

I have the opposite problem. My mum is quite wealthy and has always given tiny gifts (sometimes second hand!). She’s incredibly tight and I did suffer because of it as a child. I felt very unworthy.

Just another perspective... xx

restingbemusedface · 09/03/2018 21:06

Out of interest why does it feel like dirty money? If they have the money and want to gift it to you then I don’t see the problem other than you just feeling awkward.

quitecontrary123 · 09/03/2018 21:08

Inheritance tax also crossed my mind. Could they be giving you generous amounts now to avoid tax when they die?

Original poster

Elle8989 · 10/03/2018 00:35

Think someone summed it up saying they won't change. It's definitely part of a wider story because even thinking about why I feel such deep anxiety about accepting money is confusing me!

It brings in other issues where they have made me feel physically sick and insane. I think that's why, as someone asked, it's dirty.
Very first world problem to have! Thanks for insight and not scoffing at my ungratefulness or stubbornness. Will try to just ignore and move on. If I sent it to charity god that would piss them off haha.

OP posts:

Thebirthdayparty · 10/03/2018 01:16

I can understand where you are coming from OP. Open a bank account for your children if you have any. Lodge it. Forget about it. Someday your children can travel the world and/or do something you were unable to do because your parents prevented you from doing so or you can donate it to a charity you support in one big lump sum in your will. It is nice to have a fallback/emergency fund.

If you don't want to say thank you for x amount, you could give them your bank details and let them deposit whatever they want into it and just send a thank you note without specifying any amount other than 'the gift'.

BlankTimes · 10/03/2018 01:17

Inheritance tax also crossed my mind. Could they be giving you generous amounts now to avoid tax when they die?

My first thought as well.

Bank it OP, you never know what's around the corner in life, you could find yourself in dire circumstances through no fault of your own, then you could use it to get back on your feet.
Create a separate account to keep it in, call the account a daft name if you wish, but a financial "cushion" could make a huge difference to you if things changed and you needed it. Save it until you do.

ihatetosay · 10/03/2018 03:10

they are your parents they want to spoil you accept it and mend the bridges between you before it is too late - you will regret it when they arent there

HamishBamish · 10/03/2018 05:41

Put it in a bank accountant forget about it. My parents do the same for inheritance tax reasons and I just put it away in savings for the children. If my parents ever needed it for whatever reason, I would give it back.

ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 10/03/2018 05:58

I think you're being really strange.

Unless there is underlying abuse in some form which you feel your parents are now trying to compensate for, why on earth would you not just say 'thank you' and accept the gift?

It isn't 'your' place to tell your parents what they're 'allowed' to give you as a gift. It is 'their' gift to you and as your parents they can be as OTT as they want to be.

seventh · 10/03/2018 06:01

Many would say it's up to them and not my business

Yup.

I'd be one of those.

Don't be difficult. Accept with grace and then give to charity if the expense upsets you so deeply and profoundly

seventh · 10/03/2018 06:03

If I sent it to charity god that would piss them off haha.

Ffs. Don't TELL them. That's being difficult again. Why can't you just accept gracefully and then deal quietly? Why all the hoo hah which compounds the issue more and more?

FlouncyDoves · 10/03/2018 06:03

There are way bigger things to worry about.

Take it and donate what you don’t want to charity. Or just take it and stick it in the bank.

MammaAgata · 10/03/2018 06:15

@Grace1980 my mum is the same. Very wealthy but either forgets gifts or regifts/buys something unsuitable and cheap. Makes you feel really worthless doesn’t it?

Aridane · 10/03/2018 07:02

I’m sorry but you sound somewhat childish and distinctly rude.

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