To think being married isn't all that

[LadyScatterbrain]

A friend of mine is getting married in a weeks time. She's 38. She has done nothing but go on and on and on about the wedding and how she can't wait to be married. I've been married 11 years and although we're happily married we've been through a lot of ups and downs and stuck together through thick and thin. It's been hard at times. I want to tell her it's not all hearts and flowers and lovey-dovey stuff.
I obviously don't say anything cos it's special for her etc etc, but she's honestly in cloud cuckoo land I think.
If I were single either by divorce or widowed, I wouldn't ever get married again.

At 38; I suspect she's not imagining a fairytale.

Be happy for her.

I think being married is rather wonderful, and my husband would be even more effusive! And we've been married 23 years.

Sounds like it's a big deal for your friend, it's her wedding not yours, let her enjoy her moment however old she is, only a week to go! I hope she has a brilliant day 🎉🍾

Sounds like you haven't had a great experience being married but please don't project that onto your friend, I think it's you who's in cloud cuckoo land by thinking she is.

If she hasn't had children yet, best prepare yourself for all that minute by minute countdown excitement!

She sounds a bit irritating but you sound a bit bitter.

I’ve been married nearly 20 years and think it’s wonderful.

Life includes ups and downs even if you aren’t married.

I'd bloody love to get married again! I'd probably not stop going in about it!

I had a low key wedding 19 years ago, and I imagine I would never get married again as a) no one else would put up with me b) nobody else would ever be as fab as DH.

So I couldn't actually imagine ever marrying anyone else, but I totally love that other people get married. It's so exciting to see them plan a wedding and future together.

and bloody funny when they have their first argument and work through it, especially when it involves puppy poo

You're more annoyed about marriage than weddings. The whole 'evil wedding industry' story isn't ringing true on this one. Better this than that she hates him already.

She's your friend, just be happy for her.

This:

"You're married 11 years, she's only starting out, of course she's excited and idealistic. Why not be happy and excited for her? You sound cynical... Don't let your own relationship cloud your view of others' ones!"

She will (all being well) only have this anticipation and excitement once in her life. Once. In her whole life. Be happy for her and let her enjoy it.

It is understandable that she is full of hope & excitement as she is just about to get married. This is one of the reasons weddings can be so touching - the optimism & faith in the future they express. You find out about marriage as you experience it so of course your view will be different as you have been married for 11 years and have seen it from "the inside" so to speak. I have been married nearly 30 years and we have had some vey difficult times which I could not have anticipated when I was 28 and did not really know what marriage is all about because I had never done it before. You learn as you go.

Married 15 years! Absolutely brilliant! The hard times included, isn't that sort of the point of being married? So you can help each other out through the bad bits?

Yours might be just muddling along but for many that wedding certificate is the best thing they've ever signed.

most people that get married are happy and excited about it, why be the doombringer, just be happy for her and hope its a happy marriage for her

I have been married over 17 years and I understand where you are coming from. Some people get focussed on the wedding and the idea of being married more than the reality. Marriage isn't all hearts and flowers and happily ever after even when it is a good and happy marriage. Tough times happen, people have bad days or bad weeks, I am still glad I married DH but its very different from when we were first married.

If I were single either by divorce or widowed, I wouldn't ever get married again.

Fair enough if that's how you feel but it isn't how everyone feels and won't necessarily apply to her. I've been married ten years and would get married again (preferably to the same husband but if he died I could see myself eventually marrying someone else).

I was pretty excited when I married my DH. Arranging a wedding is exciting, as is being married. Yes it may feel mundane after a decade or more, but don’t resent her being excited now.

Sorry you are not that happy in your own marriage. Your friend might have a better match.

I have been married for 19 years, still excited about it. Our downs would have been a hell of lot more difficult if we hadn't been together. Life has been challenging sometimes to say the least, I never found marriage was hard.

I also had a big wedding with all the trimmings, overseas!, which for MN standard is a recipe for a short and painful marriage. MN proven very wrong on that one for us.

I think it's lovely that she's so excited. It's such a miserable world, why not take some joy when you can? No-one, including myself, was happy when I got married. It was a very miserable time and I'd like to redo it to replace some of those memories.

Maybe if you weren't allowed to get married by law you wouldn't be so shitty about it?

We weren't allowed to get married. We had to have a civil partnership 🙄
And we have to refer to ourselves as civil partners on documents 😔

Apparently we can now pay to change it over to a marriage. Gee. Thanks.

Another one here who loves being married (heading towards our third decade married). Your friend's marriage might turn out to be one of the amazing ones. Be happy for her.

A friend of mine is getting married in a weeks time. She's 38. She has done nothing but go on and on and on about the wedding and how she can't wait to be married.
This is the same old story of weddings and marriage.
Is it the getting married that she's looking forward to, or the being married?

These days, many couples live together before getting married, and exciting though the wedding may be, life together after the ceremony is little different to life together before it. I hope she's not disappointed.

Just because a woman is happy and wildly excited about something (and talk about being happy and wildly excited) it doesn't mean she feels it's her 'pinnacle of achievement'

Well, I'm in the process of getting divorced and would not marry again. But two of my friends/colleagues are getting married and I'm nothing but delighted for them. Just because it hasn't worked out for me, that doesn't mean it won't work out for them.

How sad that your marriage doesn't seem to be what you hoped. I certainly remember being very excited in the weeks and months leading up to my wedding. And if anyone had asked, I could probably have told them how many days were left until the day itself. Our marriage is heading towards 40 years now and yes, there have been some almighty lows along with some wonderful highs. We have supported each other through some tough times, including bereavements, mcs, and serious illness within our families. And we have celebrated the births of our own dcs, their successes in education and employment as well as our own successes on different ways. Sometimes life is tough. But it does seem easier when you are working through it together. I wouldn't change my marriage, or wedding, for the world.

The thing is though, if she already lives with her fiance and he's a long term partner she probably already knows it's "not all that". As being married won't actually change anything in the relationship, only the legal side.

If you think living with your partner is "not all that" before you even get married, you probably should take a break and reassess your relationship before making a commitment.

If it's so hard, why do people not split up? Finances? Social convention?

There is so much pressure on people to stay married that you wouldn't have a clue who was happy. It should be easier for people to split up imo

I absolutely love being married and get so excited for other people’s weddings and joining in all the wedding hype before the big day!! Surely you can remember what it felt like! How exciting it was and how in love you felt on the lead up to saying your vows!! Enjoy it with her! She is your friend, don’t crush the poor girl! She won’t thank you and you’ll just look bitter.

@NotLinkedInSnowedIn

Can't answer for anyone else of course, but the reason we've stayed married is not down to pressure from anywhere. It's because, whatever life has thrown at us, we still love each other. At the start, for us, the problems were purely down to us having to get used to living together and sorting out things like household chores etc - certainly amongst our friends it was not common to live together before marriage and we had both lived at home with our parents until our wedding. As we settled into our marry there were some financial issues - getting used to paging the bills, coping with mortgage rate increases etc. Sudden bereavements within our families were hard as we're my several mcs and difficult pregnancies. New babies are known to put a strain on a relationship as do pressures from the wider family. I'll health, changes of circumstances beyond our control all played their part in our marriage. But none of the difficulties were caused by either of us setting out to cause problems or to hurt each other. Maybe it's different if one partner is selfish or abusive in anyway. But for us, supporting each other through the difficult times only served to make us stronger, both individually and as a couple.