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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being married isn't all that

78 replies

LadyScatterbrain · 09/03/2018 16:59

A friend of mine is getting married in a weeks time. She's 38. She has done nothing but go on and on and on about the wedding and how she can't wait to be married. I've been married 11 years and although we're happily married we've been through a lot of ups and downs and stuck together through thick and thin. It's been hard at times. I want to tell her it's not all hearts and flowers and lovey-dovey stuff.
I obviously don't say anything cos it's special for her etc etc, but she's honestly in cloud cuckoo land I think.
If I were single either by divorce or widowed, I wouldn't ever get married again.

OP posts:
MaggieMeldrum · 09/03/2018 17:15

You sound very bitter and not much of a friend

gingercat02 · 09/03/2018 17:17

We've been married nearly 15 years and together for 20. I love being married, sorry you aren't happy op but be happy for her. I'm sure she is fully aware of the realities of a grown up relationship at her age.

Liverbird77 · 09/03/2018 17:18

I got married last year at 40. Friends and family were delighted for us. At 38 she'll no doubt realise it isn't all "hearts and flowers". Anyway, I love being married. Please don't rain on her parade

ohnomoresnow · 09/03/2018 17:19

Sorry you are so unhappy. Hope things improve for you soon.

Don't be such a misery over your friend though.

YABVVVU.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin · 09/03/2018 17:21

I am married a couple of years longer than you OP. I still fondly look back on my wedding day (and we eloped so I definitely don’t fit in the bridezilla category). I would never marry again (so definitely not all that) but I have a good marriage and so far I think it has been a great experience that I have been extremely lucky to have. Your friend might still feel the same in 11 years, a lot comes down to good fortune really.

Thelampshadelady · 09/03/2018 17:21

YABU I’d rather someone looked forward to the marriage more than the wedding. Imo too much focus on the wedding and not the marriage these days.
I say that as a 30 year old. I love being married. We’ve been through some crap over our 9 years together but that’s what it’s all about. Taking the good with the bad.

ClemDanfango · 09/03/2018 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

expatinscotland · 09/03/2018 17:22

She's excited! So what? We eloped. But hey, others like a big do and to get excited about it. I enjoy being married.

Chienrouge · 09/03/2018 17:24

I was excited to get married. 6 years on I’m still very happy to be married.
Let her enjoy herself. Life is short.

Littlepond · 09/03/2018 17:26

I've been married 17 years. I love it. I love being married.

iTonya · 09/03/2018 17:26

YAB miserable.

If she's been single for years she's probably known ups and downs of her own, some of which you might not have the first clue about. As a PP has said, it's just like telling someone doing IVF that kids aren't all they're cracked up to be - true, possibly, but helpful? No.

Laiste · 09/03/2018 17:26

I'm on my second marriage.

First was 15 years long and mostly in name only.

When i married again it was to the love of my life (12 years together, 6 married) and i am still giddy about him. It is all hearts and flowers. I'm glad my views of marriage weren't tainted by my first one.

Let her have the excitement and expectation of happiness and love. she might go on to have a better experience of it than you

KimmySchmidt1 · 09/03/2018 17:28

I wasn’t that excited to get married - I just don’t get that excited about personal stuff - but I love being married. Our relationship has just got better and better because of the ups and downs. Fuck me i’d Hate to be single.

outabout · 09/03/2018 17:29

I liked being married. Just the feeling right at the back of your mind that if/when the sh!t hits the fan that at least someone out there has your back covered, even if they will argue over it!

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 09/03/2018 17:29

I’m also 11 years married and I still love it. Maybe it’s your marriage that “isn’t all that”. Mine is.

Bramble71 · 09/03/2018 17:30

I love being married!

You say you're happily married and have stuck together through thick and thin. I think that's something to be proud of. A lot of people seem to give up at the first hurdle, so you must think your relationship was worth saving.

I'm sure your friend knows life with her husband won't be all hearts & flowers in the long run, and she's just excited for herself, probably having seen most of her friends get married, maybe feeling left out.

AllisLost · 09/03/2018 17:30

Actually I agree with you OP. I still find it hard to believe that after years of feminism the pinacle of female achievement is to be hitched to a man.

Of course you won't say anything to her but really the wedding industry with the white dress/venue/favours/stags and hens is obscene.

Unmarried women are made to feel second best - as if everyone has a "big day" - but not them. Of course it feels shit if your turn never comes. But why do we encourage that? We are not doing ourselves any favours at all and how often, once all the fuss and "specialness" is over and then the excitement of pregnancy and "a baby" which is viewed in much the same way is over, do we see "Oh but he's abusive/lazy/a dick" - "LTB"

As a general point we need to check our priorities.

This is not something to say to your friend of course and probably won't go down well on here but there may be some who agree? Smile

sunshinesupermum · 09/03/2018 17:32

I have a friend who is in her late 50s and never been married. She recently got engaged and the world is wonderful for her. I agree that marriage is not the be all and end all in a relationship but there's no way I would tell her so.

Keep shtum OP. Flowers

Celticlassie · 09/03/2018 17:32

I love being married. It's only been 5 years but I can't see it changing soon. I was also very excited about my wedding day.
And even if my marriage wasn't going well, I wouldn't be pissing on someone else's excitement.

TheDinosaurRoars · 09/03/2018 17:33

YANBU to think marriage is not all your friend does but YWBVU to say anything to your friend other than letting her enjoy the build up.

I guess it all comes down to individuals but I enjoy being married and maybe your friend will be someone who does as well.

sunshinesupermum · 09/03/2018 17:33

What AllisLost says.

Oysterbabe · 09/03/2018 17:34

Are you aware that not all marriages are the same?

The80sweregreat · 09/03/2018 17:34

best to keep quiet really and let her find out for herself!
She is excited as people generally are when they first get married.

Riverside2 · 09/03/2018 17:35

OP "I was excited when I got married but I don't remember going around reminding people exactly how many hours it was left to the big day"

Ooh, that sounds annoying. Nothing to do with realism, but yes, I accept there's a limit to how many times you want to hear that!

CannaeBeErsed · 09/03/2018 17:39

I love being married. We've been together 14 years and married 4 and yes it is all hearts and flowers and lovey dovey stuff. Can't see that changing.
Be happy for your friend. All relationships are different.

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