Re counsellors response to violence

[GerddwrEryri]

This has been playing on my mind for the last fortnight and I'm not sure I can continue with my current counsellor as a result of it.

I posted previously about hitting my DP and getting arrested (see linked thread).

I spoke to my counsellor about it a few days later as I was 100% in the wrong, it shouldn't have happened and I know what I need to work on but need help doing it. I know categorically that I never ever want it to happen again and it shouldn't have ever gotten to that stage.

I've always tried to be completely honest with my counsellor even when it's been difficult to talk. I told her exactly what happened.

She first massively judged him for calling the police because I "only hit him" (that was her not me). I believe had absolutely had every right to call the police and I think he should have called them tbh! She was bang out of line saying that and i bet if the situation were reversed nobody in their right mind would tell a woman she was in the wrong for calling the police on her physically violent partner.

Then she accused him of abusing me because at times he shouts in an argument. She also said I've had so much going on lately it's no wonder I snapped and that counselling brings up all sorts of feelings that can be difficult to deal with. She then proceeded to give me some information on the Freedom Programme Mr right Mr wrong and abusive men.

What the actual fuck? I'm sorry but that is so far off the mark it's unreal! And it doesn't matter how much someone has going on. There is no excuse for physical violence.

Apparently, shouting at someone is as bad as physical violence and is also abusive behaviour. I disagree in that shouting at someone in an argument who is also shouting at you is not abusive, it's just an argument, albeit probably unhealthy.

The only thing he does on the "Mr wrong" list is shout. He does the vast majority of things on the Mr Right list. I think the only thing he isn't always is consistent but that's because of his mental health issues (think for example he enjoys walking one week and then the next week wants nothing to do with it, so very understandable in the circs).

Up until this point I've always found her really helpful. But after this I just don't know if I can continue with her. Part of the deal with DP staying with me was that I stayed in counselling. I don't want him to think I'm giving up but equally I sure as hell don't want to tell him what she said. And I sure as hell don't think I can open up to someone who came out with as much bullshit as she did last session. I haven't seen her since, have made excuses such as working late and being away.

AIBU to think she really hasn't got a clue about this and to change counsellor over it?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3172537-Can-we-move-on-from-this

Anyone? I'm really struggling with this

That certainly sounds like incredibly bad advice and not something that I would feel comfortable continuing with. Apart from anything, how are you going to get help if she is minimising your actions and trying to paint you as the victim - there is no mileage in counselling with someone who is refusing to acknowledge the issue that you are seeking help for. I would change counsellors, certainly, but is there a regulatory body or professional accreditation organisation that you could share your concerns with?

Change counsellor. She isn't objective and is seeking to minimise the violence you rightly recognise as being abusive to your partner. You don't need someone to crucify you over it but you need someone prepared to challenge you and help you understand what you need to do to change. Good Luck

You are completely right but before giving her up on her, I strongly recommend you bring it up and let her know how you feel. It's never comfortable to mention those things but it will give her a chance to rethink and rectify the advice she gives and, if you decide to continue with her it will strengthen your counsellor-patient relationship.

I was in therapy for many years and each therapist always insisted on honesty if I didn't feel something was working or they were far off the mark. We're all human and sometimes their own feelings/experiences can get in the way of their work. It only happened to me twice but they never ever took it the wrong way (a good therapist won't) and took on board what I said (and actually apologised). Her reaction will help you decide if she's right for you or not.

Agree with JeSaisPas.

Change counsellors immediately. If you are worried about DP thinking you are giving up then sit him down and tell him that you are going to switch to someone else as you don't think this person is good for you. If he asks why tell him counsellor does not understand you/ does not provide any constructive information, anything. He doesnt need to know what was said.

Do your research, ask around whatever you have to do to find someone that is right for you and you feel comfortable with. You are obviously owning your actions so why a professional wouldn't is beyond my understanding. Be sure to tell your counsellor why you are moving on and if you find it too hard to do in person send a letter.

Good luck!

Actually I would be inclined to tell DP why you are moving counsellors- it shows you acknowledging the unacceptability of your violence and taking responsibility for it

Hi Op, Im currently training to be a counsellor. I have only been in training since last September so no expert but one thing we have been learning is that to be a counsellor you have to be non judgemental. The point of counselling is to assist the client to change behaviours that they are seeking help with.
Not to give advice or actually have an opinion but to help you explore and to challenge your actions so you can learn why you do them and how to seek change.
I would seriously be considering putting a complaint in to the BACP. (hopefully she is registered with this organisation)
If not a complaint I would be telling the counsellor why you are not happy with what she said.
It is showing self awareness that you are recognising that what she said is unacceptable.

I had a seemingly lovely counciller who tried to get me to believe my ex cheated. He did a lot of bad shit but i'm 99% sure he didn't cheat. I got really upset and started off down the worm hole of 'oh shit he cheated' thinking. Very bad for my extremely fragile mental health. stopped seeing her and still wonder what she was playing at literally making me iller suggesting crap which, at that point wouldn't have mattered anyway as ex and i had split up anyway.
I've previously had an excellent counciller so do please go elsewhere OP. your therapist sounds like she has a man hating agenda.

Thank you all for your comments it is really helping.

Granny I'm sorry your counsellor made you feel that way. I don't think she's a man hater, just a violence acceptor. When I told her my Father used to hit me and constantly tell me there was something wrong with me, she said I can't change him and need to accept him as he is or go NC. I kind of get what she was saying but at the same time I wanted to talk about how I felt about it, not about the fact I can't change him.

See thinking on it, in some respects she seems to understand my thoughts and issues and in others she's just so far off the mark.

she sounds dreadful op, seriously consider finding a new one.

i would change counsellors, but I would also report her to her professional body.