Can we move on from this?

[GerddwrEryri]

I am utterly ashamed to say that I hit my partner. I was arrested by the police and because he didn't want to press charges I got a caution.

I feel absolutely awful and so upset that I hurt him. Nobody deserves to be hit, especially not by the person who claims they love you. I have been on the receiving end of that with my ex and it really dented my trust in him although he never changed and did it again.

We had a very long chat when I came out of the police station. He thinks we can move on from this.

Can we though?? Can you ever move on from your partner hitting you? I'm so scared of losing him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I cried so much in the police station. The officer who saw me crying told me it wasn't that bad, I'll only get a caution, chalk it up to experience etc. But I wasn't crying about the legal repercussions I was crying as I was so upset I'd hurt him. I'm upset about the legal ramifications but I know it's more than I deserve to only get a caution and I know that I should have and deserved to be convicted. I know that it is absolutely his right to leave me and that he absolutely should leave me.

I am doing an anger management course and I'm seeing a counsellor at the moment and I know there are so many things I need to work on. I know that I can turn things around from a personal perspective but I'm scared I've broken his trust so badly and hurt him so badly. Why would he stick around? I don't think I would if he had hit me.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I don't think I would either but if your remorse is genuine and you put everything you have into getting to the root cause of this, then it can be something that never happens again and becomes just an awful memory.
But you have to be really honest with yourself about what led to this, and I think counselling is a good start.

Do you have kids?

If you need space, could you stay with family for a couple of weeks?

[ChickenMom]

I think you can move on from it as long as you are prepared to put in the long hard leg work to change your behaviour and reactions. Contact womens aid and ask what they would recommend you do. Anger management and counselling is a good start.

[Married3Children]

I don't think you can do anything to change him.
He might have seen your remise and thought you could make it work together. He might have been in shock and not clear on what he wants. He might be naive to think he can make it work. Or you might really manage to rebuild that trust.
The thing is, the only thing you can do is work on yourself so it never happens again.
You need to do it fur tourdelfabd met your dp decides what is right fir you to do.
I would expect things to be different. Not the least because you should change the way you communicate thanks to the counselling.
And the changes might be ok fir both of you. Or they might not.

Just keep going with the counselling etc.,,

[GerddwrEryri]

Sleeping he has a daughter but no DC together. No family that I could stay with unfortunately.

Chicken thank you for your suggestion of women's aid. I wouldn't have thought of that and have now gotten in touch with them.

[waterSpider]

I think a lot will depend on the particular circumstances and rest of your relationship, and immediate reactions may not be the best guide.

Still, he has said he's prepared to move on so that's all you can really expect, and you are seeking help. Plus you are not trying to claim "he deserved it" in any way. All positives.

I think men are more likely than women to be "2 strikes" and you're out, rather than one, but that's only a personal perception.

Physical abuse does cross a line, but (at least to some men) may be easier to recover from than strong emotional/verbal abuse ... on the other hand, if he's just entered a male workplace with a black eye and no convenient explanation that could prove tricky.

[GerddwrEryri]

It was on his arm and he wears long sleeves so no explanation needed in the work place.

There is no excuse for hitting somebody regardless of what they may or may not have done or said.

The rest of our relationship has been really good up to this point. We are in the process of buying a house which he has said he still wants to do and we were planning our wedding but obviously now that will be on hold.

I am going through so much with my mental health at the moment and I just snapped. But it's certainly not him I should be angry at

[Historicallyinaccurate]

Depends. What were the circumstances, and who called the police?

[waterSpider]

@GerddwrEryri / OP.
Could be much worse, then. Good luck.

[GerddwrEryri]

I don't understand Sleeping what you mean by somebody basically being their mom?

He called the police Whiskaspie. We were arguing and the anger in me built up and I hit him. He immediately called the police. I knew as soon as I did it that it was so wrong and even if he hadn't have called the police I still would have been instantly full of remorse.

[Married3Children]

I don't think you can do anything to change him.
He might have seen your remise and thought you could make it work together. He might have been in shock and not clear on what he wants. He might be naive to think he can make it work. Or you might really manage to rebuild that trust.
The thing is, the only thing you can do is work on yourself so it never happens again.
You need to do it fur tourdelfabd met your dp decides what is right fir you to do.
I would expect things to be different. Not the least because you should change the way you communicate thanks to the counselling.
And the changes might be ok fir both of you. Or they might not.

Just keep going with the counselling etc.,,

[Married3Children]

Sorry not sure why my post got posted again.,.,

[MagentaRocks]

Eh sleeping ? What does that mean?

[Thinkingofausername1]

I think If you are prepared to go and have some CBT or Therapy, it can work. Even though It's wrong, sometimes arguments go wrong. Once my dh threw a cup of tea at me, and I've done similar things, however we have worked through our issues and things are much calmer and happier now.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Oh c rap sorry, totally wrong thread!!!!!!

[SleepingStandingUp]

I will ask for it to be removed, it was meant for a thread about partners not wanting to do housework

[ChaosNeverRains]

If you were a man who had hit his partner the answers would be unanimously different.

They all feel the instant remorse, promise it’ll never happen again yada yada yada, until the next time.

He’s obviously decided to stay but that doesn’t make it ok. If you were genuinely remorseful you would leave and get help and then work to rebuild your relationship.

You are a perpetrator of domestic violence. For me it would be an instant dealbreaker, no second chances. And if I found out my ex was in a violent relationship I would be looking to withdraw their access to the dc.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I don't think anyone is saying it's ok. But at this point surely the best advice is counselling, working on herself, anger classes. Moving out to live on the streets as she has no where else to go won't help. He did the right thing calling the Police, if I was him then like Op I'd probably walk but no one is saying its ok for op to hit her partner

[FrogFairy]

I would hope that the police mentioned this to your partner, but if not then this could be a source of support for him.

www.mankind.org.uk

[GerddwrEryri]

I totally agree he did the right thing calling the police.

I really don't think anybody here has said it's okay and I certainly don't think it is okay, ever!

Thank you for the link Frog I'll pass it onto him.

[springydaffs]

Hmm. I'm not sure about this tbh.

A woman hitting a man is not going to cause as much potential damage as a man hitting a woman. You got him on the arm - how? A slap/punch? If you hit him in the face with a bunch of keys in your hands then that's one thing but I don't think hitting his arm is the same thing at all.

Anyway, I'll be flamed for this no doubt. I'm concerned be has you in a shame-filled funk over this is all. Ie a means of emotionally abusing and controlling you. Bcs, you dog, you hit him.

[Dissimilitude]

I’m going to go against the grain here. I’m a man, and whilst violence is wrong whichever gender does it, I don’t believe they are entirely equivalent. Male physiology is different, and the strength difference is such that male violence against women can kill. This is generally not the case the other way round. This impacts the constraints which men and women are brought up with. The male on female violence taboo is necessarily much stronger.

You lost your temper and punched him in the arm. And he called the police over it?

If my wife punched me in the arm in a fit of rage I’d likely land somewhere between miffed and bemused. That doesn’t mean I want or deserve to be punched. It’s just an acknowledgement that the damage she could ever do to me is minimal.

Personally I think calling the police was a massive overreaction on his part, but if you lashing out is a sign of a trigger temper then you have issues.

[arousingcheer]

I have been told that the crucial thing is to access support to change your behaviour.

Regret may be part and parcel of the cycle of violence, but regret combined with a desire and intention to change (and putting the necessary things in motion, not just talking about it etc) is a positive sign.

I went to Relate with a partner who hit me once (ie he hit me on one occasion and we went to Relate numerous times). I told the counsellor I thought once someone had hit you one time there would always be a problem and she said that a lot of couples experienced one episode of violence and sought help, and if they were able to get it under control using counselling and anger management strategies it wouldn't necessarily happen again.

We split up before long so I don't know if it would have happened again.

If you press each other's buttons so much that this is the result you may find you don't want to stay together.

[SleepingStandingUp]

springydaffs so you've managed to basically make abuse against men ok and simultaneously turn it into him abusing her.

If I said dh and I argued last night, he turned violent and hit me no one would care why or how.

The psychological effects in men knowing how bemused others are that they get hit by the little women are not inconsiderable. And violence escalates - isn't that what we tell people? If they get away with it once the next time is likely to be worse. So OP's DH should suck it up until its kets in the face

[Kelsoooo]

I stayed with my husband.

A few years of emotional abuse, a few occasions of physical.

The last time, was bad. I called the police. They were abysmal tbh.

Four years since then, anger management, and learning about himself....he’s a changed man. Really. People can change, but they have to break themselves first.