Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have another baby now?

57 replies

iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 21:40

Regular user but NC as outing.

Back story; DP and I are young (22) and have one DD. We both work (me part time him full) but due to external reasons I may have to quit. We wouldn't be 'comfortable' but we'd survive and have a bit left over. I was intending for uni this year but that probably won't be possible. Ideally I'd wait until DD was in school but DP has a condition and the new medication will most likely make him infertile; the doctor said if we try for a family they can temporarily switch medication but it'll 99% do irreversible damage and most likely make him infertile. I don't really know what to do- it seems a situation of now or never. I've only just fully recovered from giving birth (traumatic birth) and I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it just now but on the other hand I've always wanted lots of children and that seems impossible now. I'm always going to be grateful for DD but if push came to shove, I would rather have one now rather than never; however DP's illness can not be cured, only slowed down (genetic condition, not a deadly one but will make him very uncomfortable forever and will most likely shorten his life expectancy- they said it's unlikely past 65 but probably be unable to work after 50). AIBU to have another baby now? I just don't know what to do Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:22

Katniss that's what I'm worried about Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 08/03/2018 22:22

I wouldn't, knowing about the genetic condition. Even if it does sometimes skip a generation, that means potential grandchildren could be affected. You could consider donor sperm for the future?

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:23

theeye I did just a minute ago Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:23

category that's correct and it's a big factor.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/03/2018 22:24

It would be a ticking time bomb for their future.

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:25

category if a son, it could be.

OP posts:
category12 · 08/03/2018 22:31

So. To knowingly do that seems wrong to me.

DoveBlue · 08/03/2018 22:34

If you did IVF could you screen for this condition?
I would recommend saving sperm now to leave options open whether or not you try for baby now.
Good luck with which ever route you choose

Bodicea · 08/03/2018 22:37

From a career perspective I think you are better getting the early years raising children out of the way and as close together as possible.
You can then focus on your career when they are both in school.
Two big separate career disruptions are worse even if it does seem like a big step back now.

expatinscotland · 08/03/2018 22:39

I wouldn't due to his genetic condition. I would, however, freeze his sperm and look into IVF with embryo screening.

pinkdonkey · 08/03/2018 22:39

Could you get genetic counselling to explain all the risks and if options like genetic screening of sperm/embryos etc are available.

DHs condition also runs in families but has a very low transmission rate (3% higher risk than the general poplation.) There's no identified gene though so no screening options so I don't even know if what I have suggested is possible. The low transmission rate has been a factor in our decisions around ttc. Get as much information as you can.

MandrakeLake · 08/03/2018 22:39

You need to speak to a proper genetic counsellor about exactly what your chances are. Honestly? I personally wouldn't bring a child into this world knowing they had a chance at inheriting a life limiting disease. I'd wait and use donor sperm if your DH is up for it.

GlitterGlue · 08/03/2018 22:40

Are you sure it's a condition carried by the man and only affects males? If so wouldn't it affect every male?

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:43

Glitter yes I am Smile

OP posts:
GlitterGlue · 08/03/2018 22:47

So if it's a Y chromosome condition how does it skip a generation?

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 22:59

Glitter every male has the gene but for some reason in DP's family, it only becomes an 'active' gene every other generation and the likelihood of it activating in a son of ours, according to a doctor that we've spoken to, is very, very slim.

OP posts:
GlitterGlue · 08/03/2018 23:06

I think you should see an actual genetics expert. As far as I'm aware there aren't many y linked conditions, and to have one that switches itself on and off sounds unusual.

I am intrigued as to what this mystery condition could be.

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 23:08

Glitter we have spoken to a doctor about it, a genetics expert could be a good idea so thank you for that Smile

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 08/03/2018 23:10

I wouldn't, because, as others have said, I wouldn't have a child knowing that there was a significant chance of them inheriting a life limiting illness.

Also, if your husband's earning potential is going to be limited by his physical capacity, I would be very wary of adding another child. Instead, I would focus on getting your education and establishing your own career.

minipie · 08/03/2018 23:38

I am sorry to say this as it's not what you want to hear but in your shoes I would stop at one DC for now. I would freeze sperm to be used later via IVF.

This has several benefits, first it gives you time to get more comfortable financially and career wise.

Second, it sounds as if you have only recently heard about DH's condition - is that right? - and you don't yet know that much about it.

I think you need extra time to work out how it will affect DH and research it thoroughly. For example could it be made worse by the physical strains and tiredness from having two children close together? Are there other treatments out there he might want to try? If are they compatible with TTC? What is the impact on his health of switching medication so you can TTC? What is your DH's medium term earning potential realistically (sorry to be blunt) and does this mean you should reckon on being the main earner? Etc.

IVF also allows you to screen to select a girl (for this genetic reason) or an unaffected boy (though sounds like most boys would be). Personally I couldn't take the risk of having a carrier son who would very likely pass the condition down to any sons he had (imagine having to tell your son this), when there is the option of screening.

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 08/03/2018 23:41

Mini it was yesterday Sad

IVF is a good idea but its very expensive and B) it may not work, by which point DP will most likely be infertile Sad

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/03/2018 23:46

I'm so sorry that you're in this position. I know what I would do, but I'm not you, and only you and your partner can make this decision. However, I do know one thing for certain - the opinion of your family is irrelevant. This is not their choice to make or their life to live. The only opinion that matters is yours and your partner's. Who gives a damn if your family likes it or not?

minipie · 08/03/2018 23:49

Yesterday, wow you must both be reeling from the news Sad. So tough, I'm sorry.

How soon do you need to decide about TTC now or not? Can you take a couple of weeks to think about it, and do more research on the condition? If possible I would avoid making any quick decisions about TTC in the few days straight after you heard the news.

Also, are you sure IVF would not be available on the NHS? The rules vary a lot from trust to trust and it may be some do allow it for reasons like yours ie screening for genetic conditions. I know it may not work, though the fact you already have DD is a good sign so I'd have thought if you use sperm from pre medication it would have a good chance?

pinkdonkey · 09/03/2018 00:07

Flowers OP I didn't realise it was such a recent diagnosis. Definitely take the time to find out about the condition as much as possible as others have said. From experience you then have some very difficult questions to ask yourself.

For example for us:
Lack of sleep can make DH very seriously unwell as can stress and could result in a hospital admission.
When DH is poorly he is unable to look after his own personal care needs let alone contribute to housework or caring for a child.
When DH is very ill it's emotionally difficult for me as an adult and I'm sure it would be harder for a child.
There is potential that children will become young carers and what happens if anything happens to me.

We still want to have children but all these factors have been talked through with medical professionals and plans discussed to minimise the potential for above problems.

I also realise that I may at points be doing all the care for children and DH as well as being the only/main earner.

None of these things mean that you shouldn't have another child. You just need to make sure you both have as full a picture as possible of what could be involved.

Original poster
iamasoconfused · 09/03/2018 00:10

You're all so lovely, thank you so much.

As I said, IVF is still an option we're considering- we do know quite a lot about his condition albeit not everything so we're getting to grips with that. We have six weeks before he starts his medication so nothing needs to be decided today, but soon Sad

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread