To pay for two nurseries at the same time

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Not sure this is the best place for this question, but would be really grateful for some advice. More of a what would you do, rather than AIBU

My son is 17 months old and has been attending nursery for the past four months or so, since I returned to work. Every single day there are tears at drop off, and it doesn't seem to be improving at all. Sometimes he goes in crying, but ultimately willingly. Others he is clinging frantically to me, not wanting me to let go. It's worse on the days his key person is not there, she works part time.

I've had a few little issues with the nursery, but nothing major and I don't ultimately think anyone there is doing him any harm. But he just seems so unhappy and it's breaking my heart to see him so sad there.

There is another nursery as which he could get a place in a few months, but they require a hefty deposit (over £1000), which must be paid now to secure the place in June, but would not be refundable if we changed our mind about the nursery before that.

So it's possible that come June he is suddenly getting the hang of nursery and we wouldn't want to move/unsettle him, meaning we would have lost a great deal of money. Or we could move him in June and he is just as miserable at the new place as he is now (or even worse) and perhaps he is just going to be one of those kids who doesn't like being left without his parents each day.

So do we:

• stick with what we have and see if anything improves (losing our place on the waiting list for the new nursery)
• pay the deposit and try him at the new one, possibly overlapping for a couple of months to see which he really prefers. Super costly, but we could tighten our belts and afford it for a short while
• or, and this is totally different. Try a nanny instead. Because he is quite introverted among crowds of people, though the total opposite at home and perhaps he would benefit from 1-2-1attention, but still going to various classes with the nanny, to keep developing his social skills.

Additional context:
-According to the current nursery staff, they says he is fine most days after drop off. Once he calms down, he is Happy enough playing with toys etc, not in floods of tears all day. Though is not keen to get as "involved" in activities with the other children, tends to hang back. The opposite of how he is around family, as I mentioned above.

• not really a factor, but the current nursery is super expensive, whereas the other one is priced a lot more around the price that would be expected for the area (£400 cheaper than we are currently paying per month). I only mention this because I don't see the difference in the service being provided at the cheaper one, which is is fact a new branch of another nursery we originally tried to get him in. The new nursery seems equally nice, if not nicer (because it's all new) and includes things we don't get at the other nursery. New nursery is also more convenient from a location perspective, but again, not a deciding factor

-current nursery is rated outstanding by ofsted. New nursery is graded good, because that's what the other branch got. It doesn't have its own rating as such yet.

I would have said stick with it until I saw that the other nursery is 400 a month cheaper! That's a LOT of money!

I’d go with a nanny if you can afford it. 17 months is very little still. I don’t think they really need socialising at that age (going to music groups etc will be enough anyway) You can always try nursery again when he’s 3.

He obviously feels more comfortable when his key person is there. Personally I'm not a fan of nurseries...you have no control of which staff are there and constantly changing faces can be confusing and upsetting for some dc.

I would try a cm...cheaper than a nanny, much less overwhelming for him. Plus there will probably still be other children there to interact with but not too many. IME childminders are also happy for you to go round to meet them and see how dc take to them and the house.

🤦 @gunpowder

I would try a nanny and look at nurseries again when he's 2.5-3.

I would imagine the problem is more the nursery setting than the nursery itself. My lo was distraught (to the point I had to give up work - a different story).

But anyway he was fine being cared for by a childminder. I'd give it time unless you have major concerns about the care.

I’d try a nanny or childminder. If it’s still hard after 4 months then he may just be one of those children who aren’t ready for Nursery at that age. A nanny share will prob only cost the same as your nursery.

Oh bless poor wee man x

I'd move him, £400 is a lot and the new one is more convenient. If he's still upset at drop off after 4 months, then it's unlikely to change, so you may as well move him to a cheaper and more convenient nursery if you are happy with that nursery.

My little boy has been going to nursery since he turned 13 months and now he is 3 and he's not a fan off drop off at all and often cries, but I've seen with my own eyes how quickly he settles and is happy once he thinks I've gone. He's also much better when my husband drops him off, so he tries to be the one that takes him as much as possible.

It is common for children to be very upset when their mother in particular drops them off.

Nanny, if that cost is manageable.

Then nursery later perhaps.

I’d try a nanny. Some children get on much better with one person looking after them - from his relationship with his key worker it sounds as though he’d be much happier one on one.

I'd say look for a childminder instead. I've got no problem with nurseries, both my kids went to one, dd2 from 6 months old but it was the one her older sister went to, I knew the staff really well, very stable, and it's about finding something that suits your child and being with one or two children and the same childminder every day might give your wee one what he needs.

Another one who thinks Nanny for now and think about nursery again when he's older.

My ds was much happier at his second nursery. It may have been because he was 6 months older and had just "grown up" but I think the actual setting did make a difference.

Does current nursery have cameras? That was a deciding factor for me. So that I could log in and see he was OK, playing with others etc.

I run a call centre and staff who know their calls are recorded always behave differently to those who think they are not recorded. So I figure nursery cameras will have a similar affect. Hope you get your boy settled soon.

Its very hard isn't it - £400 a month cheaper is a lot of money - but you run the risk of him being even more unsettled as he has to start again iyswim getting to know his key person and the routines and setting.

Maybe look into a childminder, although not as flexible as nursery (if she's sick then he can't just be covered by someone else there, and you have to do holidays same time as her), but perhaps he'd find it more comfortable being in a home setting with less children around, and the constant care giver? Pre-school would be good when he's 3 then.

As others have said a Nanny might be best option of he really wants to be home, but obviously much more ££ and not really an option for most people>

(Both of mine had a childminder and loved her to pieces then started pre-school at 3, which helps them prep for school).

I'm just so curious why you went for the more expensive nursery in the first place? Did the other one have no spaces, did you visit both?
I know money isn't an issue for everyone but £400 is alot of money.

I would get a nanny if you can afford it. He would probably thrive at home.

Childminder.

My son loves nursery but if he didn’t I’d switch to a childminder for him.

I don’t see the point in switching to another nursery, unless it was a much smaller one, I think it would be unlikely to make a huge difference.

The exception would be if you had major concerns with his current nursery but it doesn’t sound like it. What are the minor issues?

Nanny or childminder, particularly if it is the key worker who makes a difference to how he feels, he may benefit from more consistency. At 17 month he may not like change therefore a new nursery may not help. He can try nursery later.

Oh and ofsted grading's are only as good as the paperwork, tick boxes and the assessor on the inspection days. Some nurseries and schools employ inspectors to help the make the grade.

Am I the only one that thinks a £1000 non returnable deposit is unreasonable

My child was very unsettled at 12 months in a nursery. We moved her to a childminder and no problems. My son also settled very quickly with a childminder. They are usually cheaper than a nursery too.
They are rigourously checked and inspected. Try to get recommendations from other people.

If he’s not settling at nursery I’d go with a nanny. He seems to need the stability of a main care giver, which at nursery is diffficult especially with a part time key worker.

Stick with it, it’s orobably just a phase
What’s he like in the day? As in after you have dropped him off

DS went through a phase like this, practically screaming for me as I left him but once I’d gone he was fine.

At 2.5 he absolutely loves nursery and doesn’t kick off at drop offs at all any more

Neither nursery. Childminder or nanny.