To pay for two nurseries at the same time

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Not sure this is the best place for this question, but would be really grateful for some advice. More of a what would you do, rather than AIBU

My son is 17 months old and has been attending nursery for the past four months or so, since I returned to work. Every single day there are tears at drop off, and it doesn't seem to be improving at all. Sometimes he goes in crying, but ultimately willingly. Others he is clinging frantically to me, not wanting me to let go. It's worse on the days his key person is not there, she works part time.

I've had a few little issues with the nursery, but nothing major and I don't ultimately think anyone there is doing him any harm. But he just seems so unhappy and it's breaking my heart to see him so sad there.

There is another nursery as which he could get a place in a few months, but they require a hefty deposit (over £1000), which must be paid now to secure the place in June, but would not be refundable if we changed our mind about the nursery before that.

So it's possible that come June he is suddenly getting the hang of nursery and we wouldn't want to move/unsettle him, meaning we would have lost a great deal of money. Or we could move him in June and he is just as miserable at the new place as he is now (or even worse) and perhaps he is just going to be one of those kids who doesn't like being left without his parents each day.

So do we:

• stick with what we have and see if anything improves (losing our place on the waiting list for the new nursery)
• pay the deposit and try him at the new one, possibly overlapping for a couple of months to see which he really prefers. Super costly, but we could tighten our belts and afford it for a short while
• or, and this is totally different. Try a nanny instead. Because he is quite introverted among crowds of people, though the total opposite at home and perhaps he would benefit from 1-2-1attention, but still going to various classes with the nanny, to keep developing his social skills.

Additional context:
-According to the current nursery staff, they says he is fine most days after drop off. Once he calms down, he is Happy enough playing with toys etc, not in floods of tears all day. Though is not keen to get as "involved" in activities with the other children, tends to hang back. The opposite of how he is around family, as I mentioned above.

• not really a factor, but the current nursery is super expensive, whereas the other one is priced a lot more around the price that would be expected for the area (£400 cheaper than we are currently paying per month). I only mention this because I don't see the difference in the service being provided at the cheaper one, which is is fact a new branch of another nursery we originally tried to get him in. The new nursery seems equally nice, if not nicer (because it's all new) and includes things we don't get at the other nursery. New nursery is also more convenient from a location perspective, but again, not a deciding factor

-current nursery is rated outstanding by ofsted. New nursery is graded good, because that's what the other branch got. It doesn't have its own rating as such yet.

We switched nurseries and my son was much happier. Nurseries can be very different

Nanny or childminder sounds like it would be best for your ds. Nursery doesn't suit every child, especially so young. The new nursery might be a better fit, but it might be just the same or worse.

Recently switched nursery's and whilst the issues were not around her settling, she enjoys new nursery much more and skips in the door.

My daughter went to playschool for five months and was not happy at all being dropped off. I would look through the window and seemed to be fine. I was led to believe she would settle then after five months they dropped the bombshell she hadn't settled and they were going to get someone in to assess her . We removed her that day and she went to a nursery. We then moved her from there after a while and she stayed at home with me for six months before starting school at 4.1 years.

I'm not sure dd would have been happy in any setting tbh and I was lucky that she was only going for the socialising as I didn't work. For her, the worst reason to do it.

I assume you want to carry on working, as you should if it's what you want, so my instinct is saying a nanny would be better for you for numerous reasons. Ive never worked in a nursery but was a nanny.

Thank you all so much for your responses.

@ajaslipstick @neverhadanymarblestolose Yes, the price difference is quite significant. We would get four days at the new nursery for less than the cost of three days at the current nursery. And the new nursery includes nappies and wipes. We currently have to provide nappies and wipes in addition to the fees we pay.

@garmadonsmum Drop-offs are definitely worse when I do them, so DH now does them most of the time, especially on a Tuesday, when there has been a long gap between his last session (he does Tues to Fri).

@dailymailaredicks Neither of the nurseries have cameras unfortunately, that was definitely something I had been looking out for, but the nurseries in my area just don’t seem to do that. However, the new nursery does have online/real-time access to their daily info such as nappy changes, meals and they send pictures etc. The current nursery (for all it costs), just has a very simple A5 sheet of paper they complete every day. It’s often not completed fully, though to be fair to the staff, the forms changed recently and can’t put as much info in as they used to in any case.

@shesellseashells I do worry about the new nursery making him even more unsettled, though he has just changed from the baby room to the toddler room and so his key person has just changed. He seems to form attachments quite quickly, but only to one person at a time.

@user1492958275 We chose the more expensive one because he missed out on a place at the other branch of the new nursery and the new nursery itself was opening the week I was returning to work. We decided we didn’t want to take a chance on it, having not seen it up and running, with no real time to settle it. Whereas the old nursery actually offered 8 weeks of settling in time. Which makes me realise, as I type this that in actual fact he has been going there for more like 6.5 months.

@nanna50 I agree with you re Ofsted. And in fact, the rating was from 2013, so quite a while ago. They have just been inspected again in the past couple of weeks, but we don’t know the rating as yet

@yearofyouremember That’s pretty terrible. I do worry sometimes that the nursery staff are just telling me he is ok, when really he is just sad all day. When we collect him he is rarely crying, but I don't think I’ve ever peeped my head into the room and seen him smiling. If I could stop working for a couple of years, I would, But it's not really an option unfortunately.

To all that suggested a childminder, it’s something I had never considered, but it might be a sensible option.

Re the nanny, we are actually quite lucky in that we have his grandmothers looking after him two days a week, so even if we did go the nanny route, perhaps it wouldn't cost so much if he was only doing it part-time. I'm definitely going to take a look at the possibilities for both options. His grandparents would also be willing to have him every day, but I just don't think they are physically up to it long term, otherwise I’d keep him at home full time until he was a bit older.

Starting to think that perhaps it would just be better to wait until pre-school before trying a nursery again. Would just be a case of convincing my DH. He thinks a nursery environment is better, from an accountability perspective. As the staff can sort of watch each other, iyswim, whereas a nanny/cm is completely unsupervised, so an even greater degree of trust is required.

Thank you again all. I really appreciate the insights.

Some childminders work in pairs or have an assistant or even 2 assistants, perhaps that is something your DH would feel easier with? All childminders can usually provide reviews/references from parents too which can ease parent's worries knowing other parents have used that cm setting for years and seen their child happy.

I'd not want to wait 4 months to move my toddler if they'd already been unhappy all this time. It's so sad you can't recall going to pick him up and seeing him smiling. I'd look into what options you have for moving him sooner rather than in 4 months. Childminders really get to know the kids in their care, they're police checked, insured, paediatric first aid trained, inspected by Ofsted, and follow the EYFS just like nurseries. They offer a homely environment and go out and about too to places like parks, libraries etc.

I'd try new nursery, see how it goes. So many kids are emotional at drop off but are fine literally 2 minutes later

My DS1 (4.5 now at school) and DD1 (19 months) both started nursery at 8 months ish (I had to go back to work for the money) and they both had times they were very emotional at drop off

Strangely DD1 went through 3 - 4 months of not even looking back at me when I dropped her off, she would reach out to go to one of the workers then point at toys and off they went - cheeky monkey! Recently she has been a bit more clingy and crying when I drop her off.
DS1 went through similar phases too, and then I could never get him to leave at the end of the day!

I love love our nursery, the kids love it, and it has been amazing for them development wise (DS1 had delayed mobility, and struggled speech wise - they helped him so much), they are very social, they have their group of nursery friends and from a purely selfish point of view, I have made some amazing mum friends that have helped me through some tricky times.

I prefer a nursery setting to a childminder, but I think its all about the right nursery for me, and the social aspect for the kids and the support for me. They are amazing there and like family

I'd go for a nanny. If grandparents are willing, they could even help to settle him with the nanny by being around when she starts?
You haven't got long until the 15 hours of free nursery starts, so you could have the benefit of the one on one care from a nanny AND the social benefits of a nursery for five mornings/afternoons a week?
Good luck!

I was in a similar situation and moved my 12 month old son to a different nursery after 2 months of not properly settling - so far so good and he seems happier. All nurseries are different, as are the staff so it might just be that it’s not the right place for him.

If nursery two doesn’t work either I’d look at a nanny/childminder. There is no perfect childcare solution, especially when they are little and you’re trying to work out exactly what it is that’s not working!

Update - we've paid the deposit for the new nursery. If things still don't improve after he has had a couple of months to settle it's, we will go the nanny or childminder route.

Thanks again all x