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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ditch friend because I can't be arsed?

36 replies

k2p2k2tog · 08/03/2018 19:52

Have been friends with this woman for about 8 years. We met because our kids are similar ages. She's warm, friendly and good company.

However. She is almost impossible to make arrangements with. She doesn't respond to texts - phone out of battery, kids playing with it, got distracted, didn't see it, didn't arrive. Voice calls to mobile go straight to answer phone, you leave a message and she doesn't pick it up. (or if she does, she doesn't call you back). She doesn't read emails. She has a Facebook account which she doesn't use.

Making arrangements to meet for a coffee is like planning a fucking expedition. Repeated texts, messages before she responds and makes an arrangement. It;s just such HARD work. And if it's her suggesting the coffee I'll respond to her text with "sounds great, my house 2pm on Wednesday?" and get no reply, so I have no idea whether she's coming or not.

I can't be arsed with it any more, it's just too much like hard work when I have other friends who can make arrangements much more easily and actually know how to use a smartphone?!

OP posts:

MrsElvis · 08/03/2018 19:53

I'd stop trying aNd see what she does

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 08/03/2018 19:54

It just sounds like she's not that interested.

I'd maybe take a step back. Sounds like you're planning to anyway.

MrsJasonIsbell · 08/03/2018 19:54

Just spend time with other people who do reply and let her come to you.

Helpimfalling · 08/03/2018 19:55

I echo exactly what everyone else says mate

Oh I wish I had a mate like you though

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 08/03/2018 19:56

Yanbu at all. Friendship is a two way street.

forcryinoutloud · 08/03/2018 20:00

Not replying to any of your methods of communication does not sound a warm and friendly way to behave...quite the opposite. It's just annoying and rude, esp if she's initiating a meet up and then doesn't respond, leaving you in the dark. I presume if you are unsure of your arrangements with her it could hamper any other arrangements you might have eg other friends, family, hairdressers etc.

She sounds selfish, I really wouldn't be bothering if it is this much hard work.

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 20:00

It doesn't sound like she's interested in being friends anymore, but doesn't feel comfortable telling you so is just hoping you get the hint. Would be better if she'd just been upfront and saved you the chasing her about time.

SleightOfMind · 08/03/2018 20:01

Definitely stop trying. I’m a bit like your friend sometimes
I don’t mean to be but am often crap and end up feeling guilty about conscientious friends which makes them feel like hard work.
I think it’s much easier to stay friends with people who have the same friendship style as you.
I’m happy with last minute arrangements etc and usually arrange to meet people somewhere I’m going to be or wouldn’t mind waiting. I don’t expect friends with small children to honour meetings in the same way I do at work.

If you like this woman then dial back on your expectations or arrange to meet her more formally without children and see if she’s still flaky.

Becauseimworthit79 · 08/03/2018 22:42

She’s flaky. Don’t make plans with her. Meet with friends who will commit to arrangements that you make.

DalekDalekDalek · 08/03/2018 22:48

As pp have said, it sounds like she isn't interested in being friends anymore but doesn't want to hurt your feelings by just coming out and saying it. Don't contact her again, if she wants to be friends then she will contact you. Otherwise you just have to accept that she isn't interested and move on. Sorry.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/03/2018 22:56

I think she doesn’t want to be friends enough not to be flaky. It’s probably who she is.

Have you ever challenged her on this? Might it be worth backing off, and if she initiates contact say you’d like to meet up, but pinning her down is always such hard work it’s rather off putting. Or if that’s too confrontational suggest she calls you when her diary is in her hand.

Original poster

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 07:17

Stopping trying is definitely the easier option. She knows she's rubbish with phones/social media but does the whole "oh I'm always losing my phone or letting the battery run out hahahaha, I'm so silly!"

Flakiness isn't really something to aspire to!

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 09/03/2018 07:27

And if it's her suggesting the coffee I'll respond to her text with "sounds great, my house 2pm on Wednesday?" and get no reply, so I have no idea whether she's coming or not.

Try 'great YOUR house...etc '

But I'd have given up long ago, but then, I don't live on my phone either; texts, IM, WhatsApp, all very intrusive. And I never pick up answerphone messages, if I could disable it I would.

zzzzz · 09/03/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 08:13

Nah, she's not scared. Definitely not. She's just disorganised and doesn't see using technology as an important thing. She has a job role which involves lots of using the phone and dealing with people and has good social skills with new people.

OP posts:

Nikephorus · 09/03/2018 09:09

She's just disorganised and doesn't see using technology as an important thing.
So you have different views on using technology. You sound like you're glued to it (like many people - it's not a criticism), she can't be fussed with it. So she won't be rushing to check if she's had a message and equally won't see the need to reply instantly. There's nothing wrong with that. And if she has to use the phone a lot for work then maybe she wants to distance herself from it out of work.
You seem to think it's a problem that she has a FB account but doesn't use it? It comes across that you expect her to be contactable and responsive 24-7 because that's how you like to be - but she's not. Either you need to accept that (in the same way that she presumably accepts that you are how you are) or you give up on the friendship. But you can't expect her to change to be like you just because it's convenient to you, because you're just going to be frustrated constantly as it won't happen.

zzzzz · 09/03/2018 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 12:36

zzzzz - not everyone has phobias, anxiety, some sort of ish-oos.

Some people are just disorganised and hopeless.

OP posts:

SocksRock · 09/03/2018 12:40

I deal very well with using the phone at work, as the alternative is unemployment. Doesn’t mean I can handle it when I’m very anxious in my private life. I do answer texts though, and Facebook/WhatsApp.

zzzzz · 09/03/2018 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustnotlooktohave · 09/03/2018 12:42

It may not be that she doesn’t want to be friends.

My dad was like this and we almost lost contact altogether. He did care in his own way but it was as the OP describes - never had his phone on him, when he did it ran out of battery - and so on.

Thistlebelle · 09/03/2018 12:45

If she's used to using the phone why not just call her to make arrangements?

It’ll take 5 minutes.

Kittykat93 · 09/03/2018 12:50

I could have written this post! I'm going through the same thing with a friend of mine. I'm always the one making an effort, driving the 45 minute drive to hers. In the four years I've known her she has never once been over to my house despite invitations. She is so flaky and often cancels plans at the last minute due to 'diary clashes'. It's infuriating! Although a bit upsetting I've decided to stop texting and making plans.

Yokohamajojo · 09/03/2018 12:55

Thistlebelle - How about reading the very short OP: Voice calls to mobile go straight to answer phone, you leave a message and she doesn't pick it up. (or if she does, she doesn't call you back).

Original poster

k2p2k2tog · 09/03/2018 12:55

Thistle - I call her mobile and she doesn't answer. She doesn't ever answer her home phone as 90% of the time it's cold callers.

I'm definitely just going to leave it - her loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one of her friends who is irritated by her manner.

OP posts:

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