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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want him to leave his friends behind

34 replies

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 17:51

My partner and I live together, he's in a steady job, really excelling at it - he's even been shortlisted for an award after working there less than a year. He's really getting his life together and we're moving forward in terms of getting furniture etc. for our flat, starting to build a life together. But earlier in our relationship, it wasn't like this. He would go out on a night out and come home three days later, completely drunk, tired and sometimes injured - missing days at work, needing many days to recover. This is all when he would go out with a particular group of friends - who are drug dealers, strippers, and god knows what else. He doesn't see this group of friends unless they're going out partying. After this happened so many times and got tired of being worried sick not being able to contact him at all for days - wondering if he was ok, who was he with etc. I called it quits. In response to this, he cut all ties with the friendship group and has not done anything like it since and comes home early hours of the morning like a normal person when he does go out (which is only like once every couple of months now). HOWEVER he has just contacted them all again, apologising for his need to cut people off and is basically back in touch with everyone (I found out, he didn't tell me). AIBU to say that I'm not comfortable with it, as its probably going to take us and him backwards?

OP posts:

RiotAndAlarum · 08/03/2018 18:17

How do you know he's contacted them? Did he try to hide from you that he'd done so?

If he's "back with them" (and they don't sound any good at, or for, normal life), is your response the same as it was before?

Keep in mind that he (your partner, that is) doesn't seem to have lasted more than a year without these crazy benders.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/03/2018 18:26

Take a deep breath and say it out loud: He cannot or does not want to live his life without these people, regardless of what it costs him!

You have already made your decision about his behaviour when with them, does it make it any better that he seems to have resumed contact secretly?

You only need to have a single conversation with him, to remind him that his choice really was them or you and now it would be them or you, his job, his current lifestyle.

Is there anything you would accept him saying that would make this alright?

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 18:27

I asked who he was messaging and he told me. I asked why he didn't tell me and his response was that it wasn't really anything to do with me. I did say that I didn't think it was a good idea as it is just an obvious route to starting to go on these benders again but his response was that he knew what he was doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 18:28

Honestly, the only thing that would make it alright was if he agreed to not go out with them, but he's lied about it in the past and I highly doubt being in contact with them is not going to lead to going out with them.

OP posts:

LeighaJ · 08/03/2018 18:33

Maybe he's grown up enough now to feel he can trust himself with seeing them and maybe you can give the benefit of the doubt to him until proven otherwise?

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 19:07

It is difficult when you've been there before, giving the BOTD and the same thing happens, he doesn't call or text for days and turns up in a wreck saying he'll never do it again.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 08/03/2018 19:13

I think you just have to trust him to make the right decisions. It’s all very well blaming his friends for his actions but he is his own man.

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 19:20

I do hold him accountable for his actions, but its only something that happens with this group

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 08/03/2018 19:21

So your options are

See what happens
Give him an ultimatum (bad, bad idea!!)
Leave him

Try option 1 first and see what happens.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 08/03/2018 19:23

Well you can’t physically stop him but how dissapointing.

I suppose the only thing you can do is see what happens and if the old behaviour starts again then to protect yourself call it quits as he will never deserve you.

troodiedoo · 08/03/2018 19:28

That's the trouble with grand gestures, the novelty wears off.

You could play the cool wife while you wait for him to fuck up. Or you could end it which would be very upsetting obviously. Really feel for you. It's lose lose. Hope you get the outcome you want.

hareagain · 08/03/2018 19:30

Drug dealers and strippers? Smokes weed and used to pole dance for a living?, or deals in crack cocaine and sleeps with the punters? Can you elaborate?
Or is it more about that he's just not with you? I agree in that this 'behaviour' has not occurred again however...

timeisnotaline · 08/03/2018 19:33

I suppose I’d remind him how you felt and that you weren’t going to be in that relationship, and say yhat if it ever happens again he is out. But you would need to mean it.

PastaOfMuppets · 08/03/2018 19:34

Sympathies, OP.
He sounds like my ex.
He has to want to not do that stuff anymore, and it sounds like he's not at that stage.
Won't end well and I feel for you.

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 19:35

As in, their main job is stripping at a strip club in the city centre. As for the drug dealing friends, some have jobs and do it on the side and some of them just drug deal full time. That is their life.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/03/2018 19:37

Can you elaborate? Why? For your titillation? It doesn't matter!

shouldaknownbetter · 08/03/2018 19:39

You need to decide whether this is something that's a deal breaker for you OP.

I don't generally agree with partners telling each other what to do, stating a preference is ok but not a firm directive.

However if this is a dealbreaker for you you need to let your DP know this and then LET HIM DECIDE whether he wants to continue to be with you and dump these friends, or keep the friends and end the relationship.

Is there any room for compromise here? Can he see these friends if he comes home the next day (even if it is late the next morning?) Three days is a bit long I agree but if he agrees to come home say by noon the next day or something is that something you can both live with?

hareagain · 08/03/2018 19:40

No, because I think it matters

blastomama · 08/03/2018 19:42

I don't think its for you to tell him who to see or be friends with. He can make his own choices.
So can you. If you don't like his choices you can not be with him.

IJustLostTheGame · 08/03/2018 19:43

He has said he knows what he is doing. You have to take that at face value.
So he knows if he starts up on benders again he will probably lose you.
OP
I've been there and the waiting game is horrid, as is the fear of trust being broken.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/03/2018 19:43

Sure you do! But it comes across as wanting more titillation, unpleasant! OP is having a hard enough time as it is without being somebody's thrill for the night!

hareagain · 08/03/2018 19:49

Curious - it's clearly mattets to the OP or it wouldn't have been mentioned. I was merely looking for some perspective.

Theresasmayshoes11 · 08/03/2018 19:52

Well call me old fashioned but I see quite why she doesn’t want the person she loves mixing with drug dealers, crack cocaine addicts and strippers really hareagain would you?

Original poster

BatForLashes · 08/03/2018 19:52

Thanks for the empathy guys, it's appreciated

OP posts:

PinotMwah · 08/03/2018 19:56

Ultimately you can't control who he does and doesn't see.

As someone else said up-thread you may as well give him the benefit of the doubt and the chance to prove that things have changed.

If he reverts to his old ways you have to decide whether you can put up with it or not If not you'll have to walk. And mean it, as opposed to trying to frighten him into toeing the line by threatening to walk but then allowing yourself to be talked down.

Don't get stuck in a cycle of policing his behaviour and issuing ultimatums -- it doesn't work and will create resentment on both your parts

Either he's ready to grow up and move on from this group of "friends" or he isn't -- nothing you say or do will change that and he has to make his own decisions.

One strike and he's out would be my policy.

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