To want him to leave his friends behind

[BatForLashes]

My partner and I live together, he's in a steady job, really excelling at it - he's even been shortlisted for an award after working there less than a year. He's really getting his life together and we're moving forward in terms of getting furniture etc. for our flat, starting to build a life together. But earlier in our relationship, it wasn't like this. He would go out on a night out and come home three days later, completely drunk, tired and sometimes injured - missing days at work, needing many days to recover. This is all when he would go out with a particular group of friends - who are drug dealers, strippers, and god knows what else. He doesn't see this group of friends unless they're going out partying. After this happened so many times and got tired of being worried sick not being able to contact him at all for days - wondering if he was ok, who was he with etc. I called it quits. In response to this, he cut all ties with the friendship group and has not done anything like it since and comes home early hours of the morning like a normal person when he does go out (which is only like once every couple of months now). HOWEVER he has just contacted them all again, apologising for his need to cut people off and is basically back in touch with everyone (I found out, he didn't tell me). AIBU to say that I'm not comfortable with it, as its probably going to take us and him backwards?

I suppose you'll just have to warn him that if he disappears for 3 days like last time, that's it. End of the relationship. And if he fucks up like you think he will, be prepared to end it, for good this time.

You can't tell him who he can be friends with. It's down to him to show you that he can go out with them without slipping back to his old ways. If he does slip back, he's only got himself to blame.

I do think there are lines in a relationship that you don’t cross. Going out on three day benders is a deal breaker.

It’s always hard being with someone who had to change their behaviour to grow up and be with you. They can revert at any time, like a child then saying ‘you can’t tell me what to do’.

I’ve been in relationships like this. It’s hard work. You can just reiterate why it’s a bad idea OP, and wait. Or you can end the relationship now. If you choose to stay, then don’t be the Mum in the relationship. He needs to know this is wrong. Find your outlets, go out yourself, find strength in work and friendships until it plays out.

Theresas - I didn't say I would. All I was looking for was some perspective to help with OPs dilemma. I fear that has been lost.
OP, I hope you and your DP arrive at a happy ending.

Is the life you are offering him worth losing his friends for, though? Is there any actual fun in it? Or are you the option of 'grown-up' living ie working for a wage then sitting in front of the telly every night? Do you see yourself as his good angel, saving him from a life of sin?

It may be that both of you are stuck in this mindset of virtue vs vice, and basically incompatible because you are so far apart.

But, overall, one adult policing and controlling another's behaviour, friendships and social life is not really very healthy.

He’s an adult he is entitled to choose his own friends.

He’s an adult he is responsible for his own behaviour.

Those are two separate things.

Draw your lines in the sand on the basis of his behaviour. It lets him off the hook to blame the group.

His choice of friends.
His choice to behave.
His choice to deal with the consequences.

He's shown what he is like with them. He's now back in contact and told you it's none of your business as though it's your problem not his. He is the problem, not you. He is the child who can't control himself and handle his alcohol just because his "friends" say so.
I would see how this goes but if he shows himself up to be back to his old ways I would cut your losses and get rid.

Many years ago I was in the same position as you, sort of. I moved to another country to be with him but he hadn’t left his old life behind; just hidden it from me. Once I was living with him he reverted to the same crowd of dealers and dancers. I hung in there far too long. It was the most stressful time of my life and in the end I went home. Best thing I could do. He’s dead now from the drugs and the booze and god knows what else. Just glad I didn’t hang around to watch it all.

I would say see if it happens again. And then if so I’d leave. He may well have grown up a bit and goes out and has fun the comes home. Or he behaves like a tosser.

Hi OP
It sounds as if you are really happy with his life ,does,or prior to him contacting his friends,did he appear happy with what you've achieved both as a couple and independently?
Although they appear to be ,unsuitable?,maybe there is something about the friendship he is missing.apart from their drugs and stripping,there may have been a genuine affection that he misses?
I'm not commenting either way about who is right or wrong,I'm just trying to see it from different angles.
If he can continue his upward progression and keep in touch would that be acceptable or do you feel strongly it's them or me?before sitting down with him reflect on what outcomes you'd be ok with and what you would not,and how much you stand to lose or gain by these decisions.
I really hope that you manage to come to a happy mutual agreement and wish you all the best