To be really pissed off with my family

[Familysucks4]

It was my son’s birthday recently. He is teen, he has HFA. I only mention it as he has been having a really rough time with school, hormones, feeling quite down etc.

He got 2 birthday cards. 1 from me, the other from my next door neighbour. No card (or gifts) from his dad, Nan, 3 brothers (older not at home), grandad, my sister, my adult nephews, my best friend, no one. Not even a phone call or a text.

I always buy presents, cards for all of the above. I always visit my sister for example, take gifts, wine, card etc.

My son for example even buys his dad, Nan, brothers cards and little gifts out of his pocket money on their birthdays.

It’s upset me that no one has bothered or even realised they have forgotten. My son would have noticed, but is too polite to mention it. He has really low self esteem.

Would you say something? To everyone? Or just not bother being considerate when it comes to their birthdays anymore? Or rise above it?

It probably sounds a bit petty. The final straw was I visited my best friend today. It’s her birthday next week, she asked what we were doing for her birthday. I usually make her a cake, take wine, gifts, card etc. She knew it was my son’s birthday and didn’t even bother texting to wish him a happy birthday.

Oh that's awful. Just focus your attention on your lovely boy! He sounds like a sweetheart. Your family sound like selfish pigs! don;t make the effort for them in future

Aunty Ds does go to a social club, all the kids there have varying needs. Ds is very shy and quiet and hasn’t managed to make any friends yet. He spends his time chatting to the lady who runs it! He hasn’t managed to go for the last few weeks, his mood has been too low. He has been in a bit of state.

Message to Nan, I don’t have her number. It’s his dads mum. Contact with his dad and his family has only started about a year ago. I’m disappointed as ds and I have really made an effort, Christmas, birthdays, even Mother’s Day for Nan. I drop off, pick up etc, Everything to try and make this new contact go well. Dad I really don’t want to rock the boat. Ds would be devastated if contact stopped again.

I could say something to my sister and dad.

Best friend I did tell today! Her response oh I missed it, speaking of birthdays, it’s mine next week, what shall we do convo 😡

Thanks for the birthday wishes, I think ds did have a good birthday regardless. Thank you.

Zoflorabore ds is the same, he doesn’t really like big family gatherings. He would have been fine, with a visit though. He isn’t very materialistic either. I was stuck for what to buy him for his birthday, he never asks for anything but he does love a card! When he sends a card, he spends ages writing it, quite heartfelt words too.

Happy birthday to your son. I agree if people decided not to send a card, a phone call, text or visit would have been nice. I hope that you both enjoyed your meal

I would take him away next year or have a special day out planned so he won't even realise.

Regarding your utterly self-absorbed friend, I would say what someone upthread suggested "oh, we'll do for your birthday just what you did for DS's!"
There really is no other way to get it through their thick skulls.

I always worry, when I read about people who get treated like dirt by ALL their family and friends - do you have an invisible "doormat" sign on your head? Are you a people-pleaser? Do you automatically attract users who only want something out of you, but never give anything back?
Because there are ways to deal with that - see if you can find an assertiveness course.

I'm sorry your 2 older sons are such selfish shits in regards to their little brother, but families are rarely (IME) the close-knit units that everyone would like. It's good that your step-son does bother when he's reminded, but why don't you ask him to bring wine with him? Or dessert or something? It's only good manners to take something with you when you go to someone else's place who is cooking for you, even if it is family!

Hope you manage to shame your sister and Dad into remembering your DS's birthday next time. :(

You are 100% right. Doormat is exactly how I feel TWA. I wouldn’t say people pleaser as such. I am generally, a very laid back, patient person. I have had to be to help ds and his difficulties. I’m really not a tit for tat, eye for an eye type of person. Yes, I tend to attract users.

My 2 older boys I have started to say no to. Which is why I now rarely see or hear from them. I think they feel I owe them something from the convos we have had.

My step son, only started to see him recently, feel I’m walking on eggshells with ds’s dads side. I have been the one facilitating and arranging.

Ds has a phone. I have stopped arranging contact with his dad and brothers and left them to it.

I have realised my friend is very selfish and have been not been so available for her either. I won’t be doing anything for her birthday.

It’s probably my starting to put my foot down, which has resulted in no one bothering with ds’s birthday.

I don't know, I think there are just takers and givers in life and its just bad luck if you are related to the takers. I'm a giver like the op, I think of others and try to be kind and considerate. But then when I don't get it back, or rather when my kids don't get it back, that's it for me, done and dusted. I don't know if the takers even notice TBH, they are too wrapped up in themselves to care.

Exactly SSD, I would help anyone if I could.

I think the mistake I made with my 2 older boys was trying to be the strong one, who goes without, so they could have. Rather than them appreciate it, it’s probably made them quite selfish.

Add to that me splitting with their dad. Ds coming along, when they were in their teens and requiring a lot of my time, i think it’s also created some resentment.

Wow we have gone from birthdays cards to soul searching

I know exactly what you mean, I've seen this with my mum and now I'm seeing it with me. I think if you constantly ask for nothing, be strong, be consistent, you get left out, you get everyone thinking of themselves instead of you. I see it with my sister, her family revolves around her and she's the sort who only does stuff for herself and its paid her dividends.

It's hard to change yourself though. I'm not a doormat, I'm a good mum, but showing my boys I can cope with anything sort of means I don't need anything...and I do. I hate being needy, I'd rather get on with it. Being selfish is hard.

I agree with both of you on that score - if you've always been the giver, always been the one who is strong and goes without so that they can have stuff, it IS very hard to turn it around and show that you do need things/help/anything(!) without them accusing YOU of being selfish and unreasonable!

They just don't see that you're not being selfish and unreasonable, you've just stopped being the perma-giver, and would like something back for a change.

Sometimes they do get it - and realise that you're just mirroring back their own behaviour - but mostly they don't, they just decide that, since you're no longer the bottomless pit of giving, they'll move on to another source. :(

I do hope you can negotiate your way through it - help them to see that actually, you DO need some return as well - and that things get better for you

Your son sounds so lovely. As if teen years aren’t hard enough without shit like this.
These dads who are there but don’t bother are so fucking low.

Both of you have hit the nail on the head!

That is exactly how any convo ends with my older 2. I don’t care, I only think of myself, when I refuse to run about after 2 grown men!

I really don’t know how else to deal with it, other than to stop giving, until I get a little in return.

My youngest is the complete opposite, he appreciates every little thing. Never asks for anything. Oh god, he takes after me doesn’t he. I will have to work on the balance of putting yourself first sometimes.

It can be a shock to the system of perennial takers when previously always-giving people withdraw their constant benevolence.

When I decided to stop being that person I was shocked at how angry some of my family became. I found it helped to become less available (stopped responding immediately to texts and emails, let calls go to voicemail, made arrangements for things I wanted to do instead of putting friends off until I knew whether family needed me first etc). I also thought up a stock of very passive responses and had them ready and rehearsed for when needed. Examples include ‘oh that must be really difficult for you’, ‘I’m so sorry about that - I’m sure it’ll be fine’, ‘you’re so capable I’m sure you’ll work it out’. Just be sympathetic and don’t offer anything when they come round on the take.

My heart broke reading this. Your poor son. Are your family and friends always been this nasty? I can’t believe people but especially family would be so horrible.

@Booboobooboo84 Your grandads a legend!

I would absolutely say to them all. I would send a group email or message so that they realise the magnitude of what has happened to your poor son this year.

Would you send everyone a text and say how disappointed DS was not to receive even a card from them to celebrate his birthday. Ask them could they drop something in over the weekend and explain to him they were mad busy in work and they're sorry they didn't post it but they wanted to see him to give it to him?

I bitch and moan about my MIL but she'd never forget any of her grandchildren's birthdays.

mission My family and friend, some are better than others on previous years. This year was particularly bad probably because I didn’t remind everyone or organise anything. And I have not been making myself available to run about after them.

If I had organised a dinner etc no doubt they would have turned up with cards and presents, with the exception of my older son’s who rarely come.

This year I just didn’t have the time or money, as my son has had a very bad few weeks/months. He has really been struggling with school, life etc.

My family are not the sort to just pop in. I will mention to my sister and dad. My son’s I’d be wasting my time.

strikes a chord with me. my mil and fil didn't get my adult children a card a couple weeks back. my daughter got two cards one from me and one from my firend. i think its mean and i have to see her on sunday - i might leave dh to it .

i tend to cut off unthoughtful family. arseholes

same here

ds didn't receive a thing for his 18th from my sister or her adult children, even though when they were 18 I scrimped to get them jewellery that was decent. And on my 50th all I got was a text to ask why I hadn't arranged to visit my sister and go for a family meal, for her. And when mum died they wanted the funeral rearranged as it didn't fit around their 3rd holiday that year. I could go on!

2 older ds’s took ds out yesterday for something to eat! Brilliant I thought!

Until ds got home, he said he hates them all (they took their gf’s) he said they ignored him most of the time, talking among themselves. Making fun of other diners, obnoxious to waiting staff and slagging me off

Read the first sentence and thought how lovely.

Then, the rest is just awful, he is better off without them if that's they r going to behave by ignoring him, why did they bother taking him. N then to slag u off.

As I said before next year go away or have a day out something that he will enjoy

Oh OP
I hope you manage to save up for a great trip next year that is just right for you and youngest DS (who sounds a top bloke btw).

You can't change anyone else's behaviour, only your reaction to it, and it sounds like you are already doing this. I hope your DS will soon make some friends as he feels more settled at his club, and that things will be looking up for you both very soon.

your son is worth ten of the rest of his family op, am even madder now on his behalf

Thanks everyone. Ds doesn’t want to go out with them again. It’s so sad that it has come to this.

I’ve had a lovely Mother’s Day with youngest ds. Not even a message from the others.

Hope everyone has had a nice day too.