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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with my family

91 replies

Familysucks4 · 08/03/2018 17:18

It was my son’s birthday recently. He is teen, he has HFA. I only mention it as he has been having a really rough time with school, hormones, feeling quite down etc.

He got 2 birthday cards. 1 from me, the other from my next door neighbour. No card (or gifts) from his dad, Nan, 3 brothers (older not at home), grandad, my sister, my adult nephews, my best friend, no one. Not even a phone call or a text.

I always buy presents, cards for all of the above. I always visit my sister for example, take gifts, wine, card etc.

My son for example even buys his dad, Nan, brothers cards and little gifts out of his pocket money on their birthdays.

It’s upset me that no one has bothered or even realised they have forgotten. My son would have noticed, but is too polite to mention it. He has really low self esteem.

Would you say something? To everyone? Or just not bother being considerate when it comes to their birthdays anymore? Or rise above it?

It probably sounds a bit petty. The final straw was I visited my best friend today. It’s her birthday next week, she asked what we were doing for her birthday. I usually make her a cake, take wine, gifts, card etc. She knew it was my son’s birthday and didn’t even bother texting to wish him a happy birthday.

OP posts:
StealthNinjaMum · 08/03/2018 18:24

How horrible, I'm heartbroken for your poor boy. What absolute bastards.

I think I would say something - without your ds knowing - and hope they do the right thing and drop something off.

ISpentTheDayInBed · 08/03/2018 18:28

I am not surprised that you are upset. Your son sounds like a lovely, thoughtful young man though, and you should be very proud of him (and you too for the brilliant job you have done raising him) Flowers

Turnedacorner · 08/03/2018 18:28

How horrible. People never fail to amaze me. Happy Belated Birthday to your dear son from me 🎉🎂🎁

Original poster
Familysucks4 · 08/03/2018 18:34

notall in fact they are all half brothers to ds! Didn’t want to complicate too much!

One adult half brother on his dad’s side.

Two adult half brothers, who have a different dad to ds.

Big age gap between the 3 and ds. I think my eldest ds maybe resents ds a bit. He was a teen when ds was born. Ds has ASD and took up a lot of my time when he was a baby/toddler.

I see more of my step son, than I do my other 2.

ninoo why doesn’t your mil bother with your youngest?

noenergy I barely see my oldest 2, even when invited. I was a quite skint to be honest to be able to arrange a family get together. I’ve had to pay out a lot recently.

OP posts:
ssd · 08/03/2018 18:40

op, if you pm me your sons name and address, I'd send him a card if he would like it?

I have very similar with my family and its utter shit.

WeirdCatLady · 08/03/2018 18:41

I think I would do a big group email to everyone stating that you are very disappointed that not one of them bothered. I would also say that if this is the way they want things to be then you will be sure to never send them another card or gift.

Happy Birthday to your ds x

Booboobooboo84 · 08/03/2018 18:49

Same here. If you pm me your sons name and address I’ll send him a card too.

I would tell the people who ignored him exactly what I thought of them. And as for the mil that is only buying for the older child I would be sending the gifts back saying she couldn’t possibly accept them while her younger sister was being neglected

Justanothernameonthepage · 08/03/2018 19:02

Another who if you PM will send a card

CookieDoughKid · 08/03/2018 19:09

Going against the grain here but I'd only make a fuss to the dad and brother. Everyone else, well it's not their core family and it will prepare your ds to cope with disappointment in the future. If they forget this time, they will forget again. I say to my ds not to expect but if he does its a bonus.

As one gets older, I find many family don't even bother. It's sad but actually it saves me a lot of hassle in return.

CookieDoughKid · 08/03/2018 19:10

Your mil I would tell her to fuck right off and I would send it back deffo

Original poster
Familysucks4 · 08/03/2018 19:16

Thank you to those offering to send cards, bless you. It’s very kind, however ds would find it a bit strange, not knowing who they were from. Thank you again for the thought and the offer.

OP posts:
blackcatsarebest · 08/03/2018 19:27

Yanbu, that's utterly shit Sad
Happy Birthday to your ds Cake

Original poster
Familysucks4 · 08/03/2018 19:36

cookie ds handled it really well! It won’t put him off spending his pocket money on people who are special to him, regardless. He is probably the better person than me Grin

I’m probably more upset on his behalf!

Next year, I think I will be better prepared. Not as skint and I will invite people here.

I always seem to be the one doing the ‘gatherings’ and trying to get everyone together. It’s expensive, cooking lunch, wine etc.

My 2 older son’s very rarely come when invited, my step son usually comes. None of them will just pop round to see ds. None of them have ever taken ds out anywhere.

Only time I hear from older ds’s is when they want something.

Sod it, actually I think I will save up and take ds somewhere lovely for his birthday next year.

OP posts:
ssd · 08/03/2018 19:52

yes, you should do that and have a lovely time with him

Booboobooboo84 · 08/03/2018 20:15

When my grandad was unimpressed with one of his family members (usually for not making an effort) he would send them a card with the price still on (I think the record was my sister got a card labelled with 9p) and sellotape a single penny inside it. If you need ideas for what to do for people for future presents...

rainbowstardrops · 08/03/2018 20:36

Oh your poor DS. I’d have to say something to them all but then I’m a bit gobby with things like this.
Hope he had a lovely birthday regardless

Motoko · 08/03/2018 20:45

I wouldn't have expected your friend or nephews to send a card or gift, but it would have been nice if your best friend had acknowledged it in some way.

But the rest of the family not bothering, especially his dad, grandparents, and aunt are utter bastards and I wouldn't bother doing anything for them from now on. I'd also tell them all that they should be ashamed of themselves, and, I wouldn't normally suggest this but think they deserve some public humiliation, if you have Facebook, post on there, tagging them, saying about him only getting 2 cards from you and nextdoor neighbour and how disappointed you are that his so called "family" could hurt him like that.

Don't invite people next year, and stop going the gatherings. If nobody else steps up to do them, then they can't be that bothered about them and are probably only coming because it's free food and booze and you're doing all the hard work.

I don't understand how people can be like that.

Leeds2 · 08/03/2018 20:53

When your older DSs make contact asking for whatever, make sure you say no. Tell them that you will be using whatever the cost of whatever they ask for to buy DS a birthday present.
I would be livid with dad/grandparents/aunt though. Understandable if they can't afford a present, but a card, or text, isn't asking for too much.

Original poster
Familysucks4 · 08/03/2018 20:57

Boo Grin at your grandad

I think that’s why I’m more upset, no one but me seems to make any effort. Not just ds cards, everything, family gatherings, visits, even my friend. I think no thought for ds, particularly why he is having such a tough time recently (and everyone is well aware of this) is the straw that broke the camels back.

I have a penny jar in the kitchen Smile

OP posts:
AuntyElle · 08/03/2018 21:03

YANBU. This is so sad, OP.
He is so sweet to get others cards and presents.
I’d personally go with messages to his nan, aunt etc pointing out how miserable it was. (His dad sounds hopeless.)
I hope it’s ok to ask this, but are there social groups for teens with HFA, or an out of school activity group that might work for him? I’m sure you’ve already looked into it, but if family (apart from you) and school are tricky, I’m wondering if there is any possibility of broadening out.
Flowers

letsdolunch321 · 08/03/2018 21:05

I would fuck them all off, that kind of negativity is not needed.

Onwards & upwards

AuntyElle · 08/03/2018 21:10

Also, have you had a good old moan to your best friend about how shit your family were? >hint hint

Zoflorabore · 08/03/2018 21:13

Ah op that is crap.

My ds was 15 last friday, he also has HFA.

He said he didn't want a big fuss as birthday tend to completely "throw him"
and we changed our plans several times as he wasn't really interested ( apart from his presents )

He received lots of cards/gifts and money from family and friends and some family members didn't even bother.

It was more hurtful to me, he couldn't care less.
However, he received a lot more than 2 cards so I need to remember that when feeling angry.

I hope your boy had a lovely day regardless.
He will have many more special birthdays ahead of him. Shame on those who didn't bother.

Very nice of your neighbour to send a card.
One of mine did too for ds. There are lots of good people out there.

His dad is a bloody disgrace Angry

RoseRuby26 · 08/03/2018 21:13

So sorry to hear about your situation! I would definitely save for a nice break away next year. Sending a big happy birthday wish to your son!

GrannyGrissle · 08/03/2018 21:24

There's nothing like someone hurting your kids to make you utterly furious. At least yo u will have a cheap year now you don't need to bother with Birthdays/Christmas. The absolute bastards.