AIBU to still feel upset by ex-friend's actions more than 5 years later.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I reported the theft of several items from a charity by a friend. I was really shocked when I caught her the first time and let her know it wasn't on. She promised it wouldn't happen again.

The second time I saw her stealing was when I reported it anonymously. (There was no reason for it other than greed and opportunity). She was removed from her position of responsibility but it was not publicised why. She later quit completely.

I couldn't continue the friendship to the same extent as before. I no longer trusted her within my home so stopped inviting her over. We saw each other socially until she moved further away so the friendship has died down pleasantly enough.

It feels like she has been punished enough - she lost a job she loved. But I can't seem to get over it. At odd times I think of it and I feel so angry with her. I don't feel upset for reporting what I saw her do. I don't feel guilt about not telling her that I reported her. I think it was obvious and she was very close to getting caught on her own. I didn't want innocent people blamed.

I think about repercussions of her actions, even now things still come to light. How she took thinks she had no need of. How she was generous with stolen property.

It's been over 5 years. I was told it was not normal to dwell on the past to this extent. I am extra diligent and work to prevent the same things happening again.

It seems extreme that it still upsets you so much after 5 years and you have no contact with her anymore, also as it wasn't really a personal thing either

No it's not normal. Why does it bother you so much?

She was well punished - she lost you.

I don’t think it is usual to dwell to this extent, no. It was shocking behaviour and you understandably ended the friendship, but why the anger still?

It's been over 5 years. I was told it was not normal to dwell on the past to this extent

It's not.

I don't know why it bothers me so much.

We weren't great, best friends. The loss of friendship doesn't bother me. I'm glad to not see her much anymore.

I think I reacted appropriately. I would not change my actions.

I felt so let down by her actions. I didn't want to know. I wish I didn't catch her in the act the first time. It was really stupid what she did and she had no need to. It had a huge impact on me and still shocks me.

The charity is something very important to me. Maybe it's that.

Something will trigger the memory and I just get so angry when I'm reminded of it.

You're not reacting appropriately now. I think its quite worrying actually.

You’ve really got to let it go, OP. She did the wrong thing. She lost her job over it. End of.

It’s not healthy for you to keep dwelling on it.

I was really shocked at first. The anger came later. I was so angry at what she did.

It's not the stealing itself but the stealing from the charity that annoys me so much.

Why angry though? It's not about you. She didn't do anything to you.

You can get over this but some help might be needed.

It seems to me that it's the horrible feeling that the world shouldn't be like this.

I remember a really helpful meditation I used to listen to regularly which invited me to imagine myself 5 years old and imagine another person 5 years old and imagine us playing together. It helped me have compassion for the other person and released me from a certain amount of suffering over how they had behaved to me.

By the way who cares what's normal, this is bothering you see if you can find a way to let go of the unhelpful rumination.

I'm not surprised. Stealing from a charity is a bloody awful thing to do. For your own sake though, perhaps it's time to gently let the memory of it slip away. Dwelling on it is doing you no favours.

Was it a situation where, say, someone very close to you was affected by something, possibly even killed and you've come to equate her stealing from the charity with stealing from your loved one?

Because the charity was connected with your loved one, I mean.

I've not really talked about it with anyone. It was all hushed up for the sake of her family.

I feel she has been punished enough and I'm not bothered that she wasn't prosecuted.

Something triggered the memory a few days ago and it struck me hard. The charity is doing very well at the moment. I'd not thought of it much in months and suddenly all the emotions came back very strongly.

She didn’t let YOU down though. She committed a crime against the charity and revealed herself to be a criminal, which was a shock to you but not directly harmful to you personally.

Perhaps as you say it’s to do with your attachment to the charity and its cause.

These things sadly happen to all organisations, and the charity dealt with it.

Is there something else going on for you at the moment that you can't fix or resolve: someone treating you unfairly or getting things they shouldn't have? Because your reaction is inappropriate: the matter was resolved at the time and it's over.

You haven't been thinking about it daily for five years. You had something trigger a memory and that made you feel the way you felt. that's not strange. Knowing someone you like could be that awful without you suspecting could upset someone really badly.

It's not about you.

SpitefulMidLifeAnimal

It may be displaced anger. There were a lot of things going on in my life at the time - which I very successfully block out.

Had you been jealous of her for some reason, or resentful about something that you felt was too inconsequential to address with her or even properly acknowledge by yourself?

If it's the above, you could possibly be dwelling on this as a more 'legitimate' way of allowing yourself to feel resentment, so it's tapping into those earlier gripes, and you're getting all the anger but none of the resolution because you're not recognising that it's a composite sort of situation?

I don't think it's normal to feel so upset by events of five years ago and most people wouldn't - however, what you did, whilst it might have been laudable for protecting the charity, was cowardly in that you didn't tell your friend that you'd done it.

You say that it was obvious well perhaps it was - and perhaps your friend wondered at the time why you didn't give her the option to confess, an ultimatum of 'you tell them, or I will'. That would have been decent.

You didn't, you're no longer friends anyway. I think your conscience is bothering you. It would me but I wouldn't have gone about it the way you did.

Sorry. I know that you're being comforted by posters on this thread but I think deep down you know that you could have handled this better than you did. The fact that it still rankles now tells you that and you won't make that mistake again.

It's a charity that my whole family, extended family and ex-family support in various ways. When relatives have died they have left things to the charity. It makes me feel good to know that I am doing something worthwhile that helps people.

Both our families have benefited from this charity in the past.

I am quite discrete in my involvement and my ex-friend was very vocal about her involvement. She falsely took credit (or didn't correct assumptions) for things I mostly did. It didn't excessively bother me but I did take steps to correctly thank everyone involved and specifically identify their help and spell out my involvement.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I would probably report it immediately if it happened again, if anything.

She was my friend so I didn't report the first attempt that I interrupted. I made it very clear that it wasn't to happen again and the consequences if it did. For me that was being decent.

I don't think it's my conscience bothering me.