AIBU to still feel upset by ex-friend's actions more than 5 years later.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I reported the theft of several items from a charity by a friend. I was really shocked when I caught her the first time and let her know it wasn't on. She promised it wouldn't happen again.

The second time I saw her stealing was when I reported it anonymously. (There was no reason for it other than greed and opportunity). She was removed from her position of responsibility but it was not publicised why. She later quit completely.

I couldn't continue the friendship to the same extent as before. I no longer trusted her within my home so stopped inviting her over. We saw each other socially until she moved further away so the friendship has died down pleasantly enough.

It feels like she has been punished enough - she lost a job she loved. But I can't seem to get over it. At odd times I think of it and I feel so angry with her. I don't feel upset for reporting what I saw her do. I don't feel guilt about not telling her that I reported her. I think it was obvious and she was very close to getting caught on her own. I didn't want innocent people blamed.

I think about repercussions of her actions, even now things still come to light. How she took thinks she had no need of. How she was generous with stolen property.

It's been over 5 years. I was told it was not normal to dwell on the past to this extent. I am extra diligent and work to prevent the same things happening again.

An aquentaince of mine has had a habit of stealing in the past, she had a long history of being abused as a child. I think she started stealing as a child for the thrill because everything else was so absolutely shit in her life and got addicted. I suppose I am trying to say you can’t ever really understand people’s motivation for doing absolutely shit things. Sometimes plain greed, sometimes fulfilling a massive hole from somewhere in life.

It's not reasonable or healthy to still be so angry over that 5 years later and dwell on it to the extent you seem to. Find some way to move on.

I think if there was an obvious reason for it then it would be more acceptable to me.

PinkbicyclesinBerlin You are right in saying just because I don't know of a reason doesn't mean there wasn't one.

It does feel really unresolved. I actually feel better at typing this out now. I've been selective in what I've added to the thread but things I've deleted have still been put into words. I think there must have been reasons as it all got hushed up and I can't see the organisation doing this without cause.

It was a strain on me to report my friend but I couldn't not react to her actions. I saw no alternative and felt she put me in that position.

God it's hardly crime of the century is it? Maybe you need help your reaction is way out of proportion. Have you otherwise led a very sheltered uneventful life that this has such massive significance?

paranoid, fair enough. You didn't say that in your first post though, just that you'd told her 'that it wasn't on'. Not that there would be consequences. If you'd said that, I'd still have said that I'd have told her outright that I'd reported her but not that your conscience might be pricking you.

You didn't do anything wrong, she was totally in the wrong here. Your continued upset over this is disproportionate though, especially as your posts are quite strident that you're right in what you did (which you are). What I mean is, there's no doubt in your mind... so what's bugging you about this exactly?

My first boss got 7 years for stealing from the public in a position of trust. Was rather taken aback, but gave evidence and moved on. Barely thought of it certainly not 5 years later. Part of life's rich tapestry.

Thanks for reading this. It's been very cathartic just writing this all down. I wish I had directly confronted her. I feel like a coward and a fake.

It's been good to hear a variety of opinions. It is a minor issue that I need to move past. I know this.

I'm hoping this thread has helped me move on and get past it.

The use of the word 'trigged' is rather emotive, and the fact other things are bringing this memory to the fore make me think as others have said this might not be the actual thing that is causing so much issue for you?

You need closure.
She did something bad but you are still suffering. That’s wrong.

I would write and send her a letter.

Sorry, loads of others posted n time that took to upload!

You did the right thing reporting her.

Perhaps you don't have closure because you did it anonymously (although at the time it was probably the best way to deal with it)

If you could relive it, I'm guessing you would have confront her and report her openly, because your friendship ended anyway.

Hindsight is the only exact science.

You thought you knew her, is that's what is bugging you, OP?

A lot was going on in my life around the time it all kicked off. I think there is some displaced anger about those things. I had no control over much that was going on.

I didn't want to have to deal with her actions. Work may have been my safe place (where I could just stay busy and just focus on working) until I caught her stealing. It became somewhere I had to control my anger over her actions.

I wish I'd confronted her. I didn't want the hassle.

I have some mixed reactions over it.

that*

I wish I'd confronted her. I didn't want the hassle.

But all came out in the end, and she paid the price. Maybe she's learnt her lesson, OP? 😊

I would write and send her a letter

Write one, definitely, and put all your feelings and memories into it - and then destoy it. Rip it up, burn it, whatever. Don't send it though.

It's very cathartic.

Op when something bad happens it hurts, but over time we get over it. However the hurt can be ‘measured’ in three ways - intensity, frequency and duration. Intensity is normally the last one to fade. So for example, if you are remembering a bereavement, at first you remember it all the time, you dwell on it for long periods, and it really affects you emotionally. Then over time you start to remember it less often and for shorter periods... but you still feel it as intensely when you do feel that pain. Over a longer period though, even the intensity fades.

I think this was a profoundly painful moment for you, for reasons that only you truly know. I think right now you are at the stage where you don’t think about often / for a long period, but you still feel it very intensely. Over time I do think that intensity will fade, but you’re not there yet.

For what it’s worth, I would have done exactly the same as you. You gave a friend a chance and she chose not to take it. Stealing from a charity is an awful thing to do.

I wonder if it relates to your values and the huge disparity between your values and those of your friend. She really disrespected something that you hold dear. Also you note that your involvement is discreet and hers was ostentatious. On all levels, you were in conflict over values and beliefs.

Plus you gave her a second chance and she disrespected that too.

I think this issue has touched on some deep-set issues - perhaps from your childhood, perhaps from the other issues you have repressed, maybe both - and that’s why you can’t let it go.

There is something in it that you need to dig deeper for. Therapy could provide support for that.

Your unconscious is trying to let you know there is something within you and your memories that needs healing.

I'm going to leave it for a while. My mind is going around in circles. Lately I have not confronted someone else and am feeling fake and cowardly about it.

I'm not sure if I'm making false connections in my head.

Thanks everyone. The different perspectives do help.

It doesn't make you fake or cowardly, paranoid, I just personally think that it's better not to do things anonymously because what I would save in discomfort of a face-to-face 'confrontation', I would lose afterwards in doubting and questioning myself. Perhaps that's happening with you too, or maybe not. Only you can know.

I think that you will have to mentally draw a line under the incident and just tell yourself, "That's enough now". And don't give it anymore headspace because it's over now.

Why are you worrying about it? Ex friend. History.