'Found' my half sister on Insta & am well jel...

[CanalCruiser]

Backstory: My dad had an affair when we were little & my mum kicked him out. He went off to live with the OW (think he just turned up on her doorstep with his bags) & we saw him sporadically some holidays for a number of years after but pretty much all contact had fizzled out by our teens.
He didn't pay maintenance (my mum took him to court on a number of occasions, he never turned up, so she was eventually awarded £80 a month for 2 kids. Even in those days (25 years ago) that was a pitiful amount.
I tried reinstating contact when I was a young mum myself (early 20s) as I wanted my child to have a grandfather in their life. (My mum is not UK born & her parents had gone, a few family members still, but in her home country)
My dad had remarried (didn't invite us, only mentioning after the fact, when showing us some photos. This was probably when I was around 10.
When I reinstated contact, I was invited to stay with them (they live a number of hours away) & I went & stayed 2 nights with my child. I had the opportunity to see that my shit dad was a great dad to his new daughter (my half sister) who was now in her teens. I was a little jealous as I had been a real daddy's girl as a child & would sob my heart out when going home after holidays, but appreciated that he would probably have been the same with me if we had lived together and gave him the benefit of the doubt that he lived far away & he thought we had 'replaced ' him with my mums new partner (they had a child at a similar time my dad & his new wife did, when I was about 10) I hadn't, not sure where he drew this conclusion from. My mums partner actually worked away & our relationship with him was fairly non existent.
Anyway, I know that now my 'sister' lives not too far away from me (20mins from me, a few hours drive from my dad) but on instagram I've seen pics of my dad at her house & am so sad that he never made any trips to see us (before she moved there, or since)
AIBU looking at her insta torturing myself?
It makes me so sad that he didn't try & have a relationship with us, but she seems to have a really lovely one with him. I feel replaced.

Hell no. YANBU to feel replaced. Anyone would surely feel the same way.

I'm sure I'd feel jealous, anger, replaced, neglected, un-loved, abandoned and all sorts of other emotions in between.
He's been a totally crap Dad to you

Sorry, just wanted to add, have you ever tried to speak to him about how you feel? Do you speak at all? I think I may try writing a letter just to get it off my chest and see if he replied?

That must be really hard, I can totally understand your feelings.
If I was you I would block her so that you are not tempted to torture yourself looking for photos of him.

You deserve better than him

My father also went on to have more children with a second wife and sometimes it galls me how differently we've been brought up. Frankly, his other children a spoilt little princesses. The rewards they get for things are so out of proportion with our own experience.

That said, I don't think they have any better a relationship with him than any of us. His second marriage has recently ended up in a separation (not sure about divorce) too.

He rarely contacts us, never asks about his grandchildren and measures success purely by finances and status.

What I realised a long time ago is that whilst he may have fathered me he's never been a father to me. I don't value his opinion as I don't agree with much of his outlook. I don't think he's a very nice person. I maintain enough of a relationship that my children can decide for themselves when they're older if they want to have any kind of relationship with him.
I'm not bothered but I don't want to be accused of standing in the way.

The ball is very much in his court...

My DH had had a similar experience with his dad. He was a rubbish father to DH and his siblings and eventually left their mum for a woman with 3 kids the same ages as DH and his siblings. He's been a great step dad and father to 2 children born to him and OW.
He makes no effort at all with keeping in touch.
DH has made his peace with the situation and feels that his dad felt too guilty when he would see them after he first left so it was easier for him to not see them.
It sucks though, I feel for you.

Do you have any relationship with your half sister?

I would be really upset in this situation so no, YANBU at all. Awful situation. Hope you feel better soon.

Sorry op, that sounds really hard to have to deal with I think your feelings are entirely expected in that situation. However, maybe hes only a good dad and goes there to visit because hia wife organises it all. He would likely of been just as shit to her if hed split up with her mum and moved away when she was the same age as you were.

Just to add I think id likely confront him about how upsetting the whole thing is for you and then forget him if he doesn't change.

No relationship with either of them. I figured my dad would be in touch as my mobile, my email & my mums number have stayed the same but he's never bothered.
The hashtag daddy daughter stuff on her insta bothered me & some comment she put on national sibling day tagging a friend as she has no siblings also hurt but we never really had a relationship so she wouldn't know any better. I'm genuinely happy for her, just a little green with envy at missing out.
I can't imagine never bothering with my kids no matter how far away they lived.

That's awful. It's not you it's him. You can't change how people treat you. You can change how you treat people.

My childhood was quite messed up with my Dads girlfriend being a royal bitch from hell. When my dad thought it was a good idea to not support me through university because she had kept telling him I was a spoilt brat I never complained or asked him to rethink. It took a very stiff upper lip to do this. My siblings got £10k a year plus tuition paid for. I was working 40 hours a week during term time and I got a 2:2 because of it. Had I been able to study I would have easily gotten a 1st.

I've not let it stop me. I've got my own lovely family and I've got a great relationship with my dad today. I ignored her and her efforts to provoke me. If I were you I'd be very straight with your dad. Tell him you want a closer relationship with him and when he comes by next time you want him to stop in to see you too. If it happens again that he visits your half sister and not you then I'd move on and sent a nice Christmas card from the grandchildren each year.

We don't even exchange cards, haven't since I was a child.
I don't even want a relationship with him really, I have a great life, fab husband, kids etc.
It just made me feel sad, especially when I saw a wedding pic (of my dads) on her page & it brought back the memory of being so shocked & hurt that he didn't even mention it beforehand, let alone invite us.

Maybe a friendship with her would fill a little hole that seems to be there?

I have considered getting in touch with her but am not happy with the way I look. She would make me feel too insecure as she's early 30s & still beautiful. I recognise it's my insecurity though & ultimately no, I don't think I want a relationship with her either. I would like my dad (& I guess her too, which was why I considered it) to know I feel cheated by his behaviour. One day I'll get round to letting him know.

Wow. Very similar to me. Dad lived less than 10 mins away with th OW and new family. Amazing father to them. We didn't see him for 20 years.

OP, I'm not surprised you are hurt , it does sound as if you went searching for your half-sibling rather than finding though.

Did your father actually say he thought he'd been replaced by your stepfather? Because if you didn't say anything about the stepfather at the time you were seeing him (and if he wasn't around much it's likely that you didn't) then I'm wondering if this is all a conclusion you've come to yourself rather than anything your father said?

Having children yourself would make you review the relationship with a completely different viewpoint and I'm sorry your dad hasn't measured up. It's him though, not you.

Similar story here too. In my more philosophical moments I reason that perhaps he learnt from his mistakes with his first family which motivated him to be more present and closer to his second family. It's almost impossible to not take personally though when my mother worked three jobs to keep a roof over our heads while he was taking his new and improved kids off to Disney and paying for pony club. he was so tone deaf he even sent me a postcard from Disney, a personalized one with my step siblings hugging Mickey Mouse. That was his way of including me.

, that's so sad. I don't know what to say to make you feel better but just remember inspite of it all, you have a child of your own, you are a good mother (hence why you would like to reinstate relationships), and you will never abandon your child. He is missing out on having a relationship with his grandchild and that's all his own fault.

Similar thing here, the sperm donor has another child. Much the same age as me (40s) he lived with that one so I forgive a lot.
I didn't even know about him til my 20s so I won't be bitter about the bond they have.
On the other hand, he lived a 10 minute walk from me for years yet never once visited.

Meh, his loss.
There is more but it would be outing but suffice to say he will only ever be the sperm donor from now on, never father or grandfather. Well not in my world.

He has hurt you enough OP.
In your situation I would be tempted to try and forget all about him.
(But not before I had put him straight about what a shit Dad he has been to you)
Concentrate on your own lovely family and maybe see about getting some counselling for yourself.

YANBU x a million OP. His loss, though. What kind of person forgets their child?

I would focus all your love and attention inwards to the little family you have, your wonderful husband and be sure that although you have been badly hurt and mistreated, your dc can look forward to a much better life.

I would have to be nc with both non existent father and half sister, neither of whom are worthy of your love. Ultimately you have to put yourself first and the torture that would be having a relationship with your HS would not be worth it, and would undermine your happiness.

Leave them in the past, where they belong, do not allow yourself to check FB or SM anymore and stick to it. Remember you always see the 'best' side of everyone's life and she will surely have her own crap in life to deal with as we all do.

I hope your dm was able to offer you lots of love and support.

Be happy, be fulfilled and don't allow him to taint your future. He had his chance, so pleased you have your own life, family and kiddies now.

Sorry your dad did all that.

It doesn’t seem like a good idea for your wellbeing to have contact - including following her on instagram - with either of them.

Her posts about your father and siblings were very insensitive indeed if she knows you are a “follower”, but perhaps she has “cognitive dissonance” about how your father treated you.

The thing that I can't help thinking though is this.

You look at all that daddy-daughter stuff and you think - But that 'daddy' is perfectly capable of, and happy with, the idea of walking away from his child without a backward glance - he's done it. He's chosen to be a 'great dad' to this particular child, but that's not the same. One thing that that relationship isn't is unconditional. It can't be.

She must know that too. When she thinks - 'my dad, always there for me' don't tell me there's not a niggling thought that if the shit ever hit the fan, there's every chance he acually wouldn't be there for her. She'll remember you, the daughter he dropped, and think that. He's capable of it.

I'm sure their relationship is as genuine as it seems as far as they are concerned, but a great dad? Well no - not in the way I'd use the term. Not a dad I'd want. Not if I knew he had another child and he completely abandoned them.

Don't envy her.

God, that's tough. I'm so sorry this has happened to you, you didn't deserve it.