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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Had enough of her drunken behaviour.

48 replies

ZeroToleranceLeft · 08/03/2018 08:00

In the interests of full disclosure I'm a man at the end of his tether who is after some advice.

My partner is 42 and she's always had a bit of a problem with drinking, think along the lines of having to be carried out of pubs, carried to bed, bed wetting and being incredibly abusive when drunk.

She doesn't seem to be able to have one or two and it always ends up with her drinking two or three bottles of wine and becoming a slurring and abusive drunk. Even broaching the subject is met with denial and then just laughing it off.

Last night she went out with some work colleagues for a 'couple', I was invited but declined as I had an early start this morning with a fairly long drive.

I was woken at 2am by her coming in and crashing about, at 3am by her staggering up the stairs, walking into the bedroom and turning the light on and then at 4am by a friend who I barely know who was looking for his phone. She had left him and another friend I don't know downstairs drinking and passed out.

I got up, looked for the phone, couldn't find it and kicked them out. At 5am he's hammering at the door and demanding I give his phone back. I lost my temper a little and shouted at him. He left.

This is just the latest in a long line of drunken incidents but this, as far as I'm concerned, is the last allowable one.

Would I be unreasonable to kick her out the house?

To avoid drip feeding, she has a son who is 18 who currently stays two nights a week with us. The house is in my name as she can't get a mortgage and she contributes a bit towards it each month and pays one household bill. In terms of equity there's 15k paid towards the mortgage since we've been together. I had to put down a £12k deposit on the house as she didn't have any savings.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 08/03/2018 08:03

If you think it's the end for you, and you've reached the very last ebb of your patience, then yes, you would not be unreasonable to break up with her and give her notice to leave. Have you given her any kind of ultimatum before? I wouldn't be putting up with that sort of behaviour from my partner.

Shedmicehugh · 08/03/2018 08:04

Yanbu to be totally fed up with it.

Yabu to just kick her out, without first discussing it with her and telling her the consequences if she continues.

Snowysky20009 · 08/03/2018 08:05

I wouldn't put up with it off a man.

Do they all have work today?

StealthPolarBear · 08/03/2018 08:07

Sounds horrendous.

Original poster
ZeroToleranceLeft · 08/03/2018 08:09

I've sat her down before and tried to talk to her about it and told her that if she continued pulling this kind of thing that would be the end.

Several times she's invited people back after a night out and gone to bed drunk within minutes of getting back here.

She claims (there's a history of lies) that she owns the house that her ex-husband lives in so she can move back there any time and live with him as far as I'm concerned, they can sort the housing issue out from there.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZeroToleranceLeft · 08/03/2018 08:11

She works very erratic hours and often doesn't need to be anywhere until after lunch.

Given the choice she'll sleep until 1pm every day and gets angry at being woken up before then.

To be honest I think I emotionally checked out of this relationship a while a go and this is the straw that broke the camels back.

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 08/03/2018 08:11

Jeez, i would have no hesitation in chucking her out. at 42 ? Shock not good.

daddyorscience · 08/03/2018 08:11

I put up with my ex going out, leaving me with 2 young children, saying "back midnight-Ish", complaining when I called her at 2am asking if she was ok etc, then coming in drunk, throwing up, and the following morning moaning at me to take the kids out because she felt crap, and despite the kids wanting a cuddle off her etc, "they need to learn you can't have everything you want".

Don't put up with it. It's soul destroying.

Slartybartfast · 08/03/2018 08:12

you might have to write off the finances, see a solicitor. for your sanity.

notapizzaeater · 08/03/2018 08:12

Normal people don't get so drunk they pee the bed, she has a drink problem.

You are not responsible for her actions, tbh if it was the other way round people would be telling you to leave, not put up with this.

Shedmicehugh · 08/03/2018 08:12

Tell her that, if the relationship is over, it’s over.

MullinerSpec · 08/03/2018 08:13

YANBU. She doesn't respect your feelings. She needs help from the medical profession i.e. counsellor etc as there may be an underlying cause of her excessive drinking.

This is destructive for your own mental health and happiness. Maybe consider help and support her and then think about your next steps. Best of luck.

RestingBitchFaced · 08/03/2018 08:14

YANBU, sounds like it's already over. She needs to grow up, and stop behaving like a teenager, but it doesn't sound like she is willing to do this. She sounds very selfish and immature

Flomy · 08/03/2018 08:16

YANBU you deserve a normal life/future.

specialsubject · 08/03/2018 08:17

She's chosen booze over you. Raise your standards and street her, change the locks.

Leave her to make her choices.

oldmrsbetty · 08/03/2018 08:17

This sounds horrific for you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you asking her to leave. To me, she sounds like an alcoholic and her behaviour will probably only get worse. If she doesn’t acknowledge she has a problem and want to change then there’s absolutely nothing you can do (I speak from personal experience). Look after yourself and get free of this awful situation

user1493413286 · 08/03/2018 08:17

I would give her notice to leave unless you know she has someone to go and stay with. I’m assuming that her son has somewhere he lives full time so it’ll be unsettling for him but you won’t be leaving him sleeping on someone’s sofa.
As far as I’ve always understood it if the house isn’t in her name etc she has no rights to it but it depends whether you two had an agreement that you should morally stand by.
If she won’t recognise her drinking is a problem then I can’t see it changing any time soon so you need to protect yourself.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 08/03/2018 08:18

No way would I put up with that shit, you're a patient man. Definitely tell her to leave

myusernamewastakenbyme · 08/03/2018 08:19

She sounds like my first husband...i left him as he was abusive and violent when drunk....i think for your own sanity op you have to end this relationship.

Makingworkwork · 08/03/2018 08:20

You are definitely doing the right thing. She is not about to change any time soon.

Definitely get legal advice about the financial situation.

ohnomoresnow · 08/03/2018 08:32

Definitely need to end it.

She sounds dreadful.

You're a saint for putting up with as long as you have!

ohnomoresnow · 08/03/2018 08:33

*Putting up with IT for a long as you have!

DullAndOld · 08/03/2018 08:34

honestly you should make plans to part ways. Nobody needs drunks in their lives.

GayAllen · 08/03/2018 08:35

Kick her out.

Lalliella · 08/03/2018 08:36

YANBU. Tell her to leave. Give her a month’s notice, but tell her any more stunts like that one and it’s immediate.

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